Mr John Clarke

Memo to all teaching staff.

It was made very clear during the build-up to the Olympics, that establishing sensible rules about the students getting to bed at a reasonable hour, would be an important consideration in preparing for the important scholarship exams set down for the week following the closing ceremony. I’m sorry to say that a couple of our better students have failed to perform and will have to sit supplementary exams in order to pass at all. As had been repeatedly stressed beforehand, the young are often not the best judge of how much rest they need and at times such as this, they require guidance about establishing a routine and sticking to it. These results have been a major disappointment and, unsurprisingly, our marketing people have steam coming out their ears. Here are two of our brightest and best photographed during the oral section of the language exam. Further comment is superfluous.

U. R. Orlon-Notice
Chairman,
The Board,
St Expensives.

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Dear Parents and Students,

As you know, we here at the school are keen to establish leading-edge standards in dealing with environmental issues. We are not just expressing concern; that’s not good enough. We are setting targets, detailing benchmarks and striving to be carbon neutral as an institution by 2014.

While there is broad agreement in the school community about remodeling our activities in such a way as to reduce the impact we have on the planet, there is nevertheless some reluctance or incapacity to act individually. Last week three different elective groups were asked to report on what they had done PERSONALLY by way of bringing about change. The following evidence speaks for itself. It is a sad comment on our commitment to the serious problems we face, that some of us are still avoiding the issue. If we cannot address the question of personal responsibility for change, what hope can we offer our young?
It is perhaps time some of us had a good, long, hard look at ourselves.
I hope to see many of you at the Choral Recital on the 15th.

Yrs,

Dougal Entendre,
Green Learning Centre
St Expensives

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Great News!

With the Intercollegiate Athletics Championships only ten days away this could not be happening at a better time.
Earlier this week Rainer Soros (4M) lapped the field in the 5,000 metres and put in a PB which would have ensured a podium finish at the nationals. Rainer’s form this year has been outstanding and he has looked the goods against all-comers in recent outings. His current form (three PBs in successive events) is a great tribute to the work he has done over summer, to the dedication of his coach Abe Luddydope and to the improvement in school facilities undertaken last year by the board. If Rainer can maintain this form, he will acquit himself extremely well and the Intercollegiate record could be in serious danger. He certainly carries with him the hopes and very best wishes of us all.
Go Rainer!

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Dear Parent or Guardian,

I regret that some slight concerns have emerged in relation to aspects of Book Club. Many of you will be aware of this important initiative, begun in response to declining levels of literacy and very well supported by the English staff. A reading programme has been worked out, featuring works designed to stimulate young minds and to encourage an interest in ideas. Despite the best efforts of organisers, however, Book Club is often regarded as just an excuse to fool around, a problem which the following image demonstrates very clearly.

Many of these students have obviously not read the book. There is inattention. There is chatter. There is complete disregard for the nature and purpose of the exercise. No benefit can accrue from this programme unless students seize the opportunity presented to them. This is not a time for immaturity, for lack of interest or for wasting everyone’s time.

These students are not just letting the programme and the school down; they’re letting their teachers down, their parents down and their friends down. But more importantly, they are letting themselves down.

I expect some improvement over time but so far this year, this is a disappointing response.

Starling, second from the left, bottom row, come and see me afterwards.

Iva Krapp-Daley
Co-Ordinator
Book Club

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Memo to all Parents, Staff and Students.

The annual theatre production is always a highlight of the school year and, as audience numbers and responses attest, ‘Oliver’ (which played all week in the new open-air venue, in perfect conditions) was a particular triumph. Thanks must go to Mr E. Flight and Ms Anthropy, whose tireless work and dedication has once again produced spectacular results. It is a striking and very satisfying feature of the school’s music and drama programme that so many students get involved, whether as performers or as part of the all-important backstage crews, toiling ceaselessly behind the scenes on the lights, the mixing desk, or in makeup and costumes. Our congratulations go to all. Well done everyone.

‘Where is Love’, performed by Watt L Bird

‘Oom Pah Pah’ really got the occasion going and gave K Warla a chance to show his skills.

A humourous interlude. ‘Reviewing the SItuation’, in which E Kiddner’s unique style won a great many admirers.

The powerful ‘My Name’ was delivered superbly by A Steer.

A poignant note was provided by C Gull’s rendition of ‘Boy for Sale.’

One of the hits of the show, ‘Food Glorious Food,’ had everyone sing along, ably let by the perennially engaging William Wagtail.

One of our Indian students in a minor role.

‘Consider Yourself’ had the audience singing along.

‘As Long as he Needs Me’ was a real highlight. Not a dry eye in the house.

The colourful costumes were a delight, admired by all and a great a tribute to the work of the wardrobe dept. Cute hat!

Very well done one and all. Thank you and good night.

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Dear Mr and Mrs Kiddner,

As you may be aware, some gym equipment has gone missing in recent weeks from the store-room at the rear of the pavilion. One of your sons was seen attempting to break into the store-room and I’m afraid that when questioned about what he was doing (he was supposed to be at orchestra practice) he said he was looking for ants. Why he would come up with such a pathetic explanation for his behaviour is not obvious to us. I’ve spoken to other staff members and no-one reported any project involving a need for ants. When asked why he thought there might be ants under the store-room, your boy said ‘I could smell them’.

You may care to discuss this with us. The pilfering of school equipment is a very serious matter indeed and the ants story, which your young bloke seems to be sticking to, is little short of ludicrous.

Jim Teacher,
Head of Phys Ed.
St Expensives.

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Dear Mr and Mrs Keete,

I have had occasion recently to talk to Laurie about irresponsible behaviour in the playground. He may have mentioned this. It was in relation to hanging upside down on the bars, a dangerous practice and one which is strictly forbidden. Laurie made the point, in our refreshingly honest discussion, that he is a talented all-round sportsman and can perform tricks which, were others to attempt them, would lead to serious trouble. This is precisely the point. If others tried to imitate Laurie, I shudder to think what might happen. Laurie must be conscious of his important role as a leader in encouraging others to operate within their limits.

On another matter, it has since been drawn to my attention by another of the senior teachers that Laurie has been dying his hair blue. I wonder if there is some reason for this. He has not received permission from anyone here. There were some hi-jinks at the school swimming sports on Friday and we do turn a blind eye to some larrikin tendencies in regard to the displaying of House colours, especially in relation to support for the relay teams. It is now Tuesday however, and Laurie’s hair is still a very vivid blue. In fact, his appearance is rather peculiar. At his age of course, they think this sort of thing is clever but unless he actually wants to look like a rainbow, I suggest he present himself more in line with regulations 4-12 in the school handbook.

Thank you.

Louden Clearmessage
Deputy Head
St Expensives

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Memo to All Students from the Head.

I don’t know how many times I have to say this. The playground equipment is there for exercise and for fun. But as I have repeatedly said, care must be taken or serious injuries will result. This sort of thing, for example, is simply not on. Hanging off the bars with nothing between you and the ground is an accident waiting to happen. I’ve spoken to Laurie Keete about his irresponsible actions in this instance and he has accepted that if something had gone wrong, he might have broken his neck. Matron is particularly concerned that she might not have the resources if someone sustains a major injury. She has only one part-time assistant two days a week. For goodness sake. Grow up. Enjoy yourselves by all means but try to stop short of idiocy.

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The Secretary,
The Wodda Packer-Galahs Institute,
Wodda 3082.

Dear Madam,
As you know, we have quite a number of your charges in the school. The association with your boarding establishment is one we value greatly and, as you know, some of our best students have come to us from a Packer-Galahs background.

Unfortunately, I write to outline some worrying developments in the school, which we think may perhaps originate in the home.

We have seen evidence for some time of collusion during tests conducted in the school, particularly in the maths and sciences area. Answers are often identical and even errors are sometimes replicated faithfully over entire classes. It is very difficult for us to assess the individual students properly in this atmosphere and our claim to inculcate a strong sense of responsibility and self-sufficiency is consequently in some jeopardy.

I wonder if I could prevail on you to have a word with the students at your earliest convenience, and impress upon them the need to think for themselves, to finish their own work and to compete against one another. This is the basis of our education system and, indeed, of our entire society.

Security cameras recently picked up the image below, of one of our better female students talking to a male student during an algebra test. The boy, pictured right, who has hitherto proven rather a slow learner with an attitude problem, nevertheless appears to have topped the state in trigonometry, an honour he shares with the girl (left). This result, while gratifying, is of some concern given that collaboration is clearly at epidemic levels.

Yrs
Sue Pervisor
Curriculum Planning,
St Expensives

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Dear Mr and Mrs Beeigh,

I write in connection with your son Wally, who was absent from an important Geography exam on Tuesday.

The school received a telephone message from Wally, saying he was unwell and would be unable to attend. We were naturally disappointed since Wally has shown some promise in the subject and would benefit from the experience of testing himself in examination conditions.

I have listened to Wally’s telephone message several times and what I initially assumed to be static on the line, sounds very like surf. I was confirmed in this rather uncharitable view when a camera confiscated from Wally’s cousin Anne Otherwally-Beeigh contained several photographs of Wally, in excellent health on the day in question, enjoying himself with friends, at a well-known coastal resort.

You may wish to call and discuss this. It is a great concern for us here of course, since it sets a bad example to others. I’ve spoken to Wally about the incident and have encouraged him to improve his attitude as a matter of urgency.

I hope to see you at Eucharist.

Yrs,

A. Bigshot
Examination Co-ordinator
St Expensives

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