Mr John Clarke

We had a fantastic response to the Easter quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Donna Buang, of Donna Buang. A fine effort Donna. Well done. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. False. Anna Meares has never been the Premier of Queensland. If ever they turn it into a sprint event, however, stand well back.

2. True. The picture shows Bogman, who was trapped in a bog in northern Europe for over a thousand years. Craig Thompson just doesn’t get out much at the moment.

3. False. It is not illegal in Victoria to generate electricity using solar technology. The burning of fossil fuels is simply considered by the government to be better for the environment.

4. False. The Australian open water swimming champs are not held annually during the Oxford Cambridge boat race. There was a clash of dates this year but organizers are confident they can sort it out.

5. True. This has already been leaked so there can be no harm in announcing it. The 2012 Brownlow Medal has been won by Hamish Blake.

6. False. They did not elect a new Pope in Altona on Tuesday. A chemical store went up. The fire was attended by two appliances and has been contained.

7. The picture shows an avocado, a pumpkin, a sherrin and Paul Howes (right)

8. True. There is a dispute going on in the football pages although technically The Malthouse Theatre is a building in Sturt Street.

9. False. The government has never left The Grand Prix out on the nature strip over a long weekend in the hope that someone might take it. This wouldn’t work anyway. People aren’t idiots.

10. False. The U S Masters is not a baby contest. Bubba Watson is not actually an infant. He is a drate big man.

11. This was a trick question. It was a debate in the sense that Richard Dawkins was debating George Pell but not in the sense that George Pell was debating Richard Dawkins.

12. True. Barnaby Joyce is looking for a lower house seat, the better to expound his vision for Australia.

13. False. The photograph shows Campbell Newman. Alfred E Newman is a cartoon character.

14. True. The government has managed to secure the Logies for Victoria, for 5 years. There will be 5 live broadcasts and, as with this year’s, each will last a year.

15. False. At no stage has the Collingwood Football Club ever come into contact with an iceberg while crossing the Atlantic.

16. True. The Victorian government has commissioned a secret report on where it has put its anti-corruption inquiry.

17. True. Clive Palmer’s company performed very poorly last year, declaring a loss and paying no tax whatever. Somehow Clive managed to retain his role as manager.

18. The embattled Health Services Union is not the EHSU. It is the embattled HSU.

19. True. Robert Doyle is standing for a second term as Lord Mayor of Melbourne. Let joy be unconfined.

20. True. The federal government has a majority of one and is united by a lack of confidence in either of its leaders. The opposition also has two leaders and similarly one of them deposed the other. All share, as their first and abiding priority, a burning desire to serve you.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Seb Astopol, of Sebastopol. And great work Sebbie boy. Well done. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. If you would like to be Victoria’s Planning Minister, please present yourself at Spring Street on Monday morning with a cut lunch. Please wear a tie and bring an “Approved” stamp.

2. False. Great Expectations is not about a little boy called Tony who dreams of attaining a higher station in life, backed by what turns out to be a lot of convict money from NSW. The boy’s name is Pip.

3. A suicide bomber straps explosives to himself and arranges to be among his enemies when he explodes. Kevin Rudd was attempting to regain the leadership of the ALP.

4. False. The Victorian government is not driving 500 head of hundred of cattle into the Coburg area in order to reduce the risk of fire.

5. The photograph shows a china shop. Bob Katter is just out of shot but you can see part of his hat.

6. False. Greece is not for sale. It was part of a deceased estate and was passed in twice. It has since been taken off the market.

7. False. Bob Carr did not arrive on a white charger and has not yet parted any waters in an official capacity.

8. The picture shows Evictus Maximus reclining after a four day banquet in ancient Rome. Peter Slipper simply enjoys his work.

9. False. Anna Bligh has not wrung Kevin Rudd’s neck. If not re-elected as Premier of Queensland, however, she may have more time for hobbies.

10. False. Noah is not from up around Shepparton or the Wagga Wagga area. He is listed as a boat-builder, vintner and part-time nudist, of Mt Ararat.

11. Sally forth is an expression meaning take off, set out or depart. Sally Pearson, the rapid pedestrian, is an excellent example.

12. False. Julia Gillard does not endorse same sex marriage. Her declaration that it was Gay Monn simply reflected her determination in a recent contest.

13. False. The large number of articles about the new Foreign Minister does not constitute a Carr industry.

14. False. Clive Palmer is not a living rational treasure.

15. The Premier. The Queen, The Prime Minister, the Attorney General, the Governor General and Black Caviar are all female.

16. Jeremiah wept a great deal, saying that he’d been forsaken and that foreigners were profiting in his land. Gerry Harvey is a retailer worth $800million.

17. The picture shows workers at the UN gathered on the roof to witness a partial eclipse of Ban Ky Moon

18. False. Ecclestone is not a skin condition. He is an 81 year old English businessman who is on a benefit from the Victorian government.

19. True. The reason Barack Obama and Benjamin Netanyahu look away from each other after being photographed shaking hands is that they’re both doing PhDs in White House décor.

20. True. The picture shows Robert Doyle and a Moomba float. The Moomba float is the one with wheels.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Mal Lacoota, of Mallacoota. And great work Mal. Well done. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. False. Andrew Wilkie was not the yellow Wiggle.

2. True. Credit ratings agencies have downgraded the credit ratings of European economies which lost money listening to the advice of credit ratings agencies.

3. The pictures show an Italian luxury cruise ship. The Italian economy is a three funnel job and is somewhat lower in the water.

4. False. It is not possible to vote for Ken Grenda to run Australia.

5. True. Julia Gillard and Andrew Wilkie have changed the status of their relationship. She has unfriended him and he has unfollowed her. They don’t unlike each other but are currently offline.

6. True. Newt Gingrich is technically sane. The reason he wants to go to the moon and mine minerals is that he has part of Wednesday free and is swimming to Mars on Friday.

7. False. The presentations during TV coverage of the Australian Open tennis of betting odds on upcoming matches were not advertising. They were Public Service Announcements.

8. False. The betting agency is not called FunLoss. Its name is Sportsbet.

9. False. Television is not new. It was developed during the 1920s and one of its greatest writers was Charles Dickens, who would have been 200 last week.

10. True. ‘Live coverage’ means actual coverage of anevent which was genuinely happening when it was recorded.

11. True. When he played Novak Djokovic, LleytonHewitt had one leg, one hand, a hip injury, calf and groin injuries, three broken arms and a bullet wound to the thigh. The match was held under lights at Tobruk.

12. True. The final between Djokovic and Nadal was the greatest event in world history.

13. False. The male players did not grunt. The grunt-like sounds they emitted while hitting the ball were simply manly expostulations made for your viewing pleasure.

14. False. It was not a Gingrich who stole Christmas. It was a Grinch.

15. False. The athlete who recently withdrew from a pole vault event was Steve Hooker. Joe Hockey is tapering nicely for London.

16. The picture shows batsman David Warner switch-hitting. Peter Slipper is the Speaker in the federal parliament.

17. True. Charges against Lance Armstrong have been found to contain traces of an illegal substance and have been withdrawn.

18. False. Anna Bligh does not smoke a cigar, make a V sign or threaten to fight anyone on beaches. She does, however, go very well in a crisis.

19. False. Tony Abbott was never a rhythm guitarist in abelow-average British band. It’s just the suit and the way he walks.

20. False. Kevin Rudd is not a climate change denier. Climate change is one of three things Kevin doesn’t deny. The other two are the time and the date.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Clif Tonhill, of Clifton Hill. Well done indeed Clif. A fine effort. These weren’t easy. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Kate Middleton went to the pictures.

2. True. Bob Hawke could have walked from his seat at the cricket all the way to his car without having a beer if he hadn’t been Bob Hawke.

3. True. Australia'a mining boom is the result of first class financial management by a series of excellent governments.

4. False. The wines named all come from the Barossa Valley. There is no such place as the Berocca Valley.

5. True. The Arts Centre spire caught fire during New Year celebrations, providing a useful lesson in the danger of fireworks and effecting $200k worth of improvements.

6. The picture shows members of the Victorian government. They met urgently to discuss what would happen if any of them ever got sick in the Frankston area.

7. True. If you have followed the instructions properly your Euro is now assembled. Tighten the brackets at F, K and D, nail to fence and light wick. Stand well back and remove breakable objects from shelves. In the event of fire, add petrol.

8. False. Frank, Mark and Gilda cannot be of any assistance with the European currency crisis. They are no longer with the firm.

9. The photos show the crowd at the funeral of Kim Jong Il. The crisis meeting of Australian Retailers was a closed function.

10. The pictures show the Yellow-plumed Honeyeater, the Golden Whistler and the Governor General.

11. False. Tony Abbott is not an app. He just gets a lot of media coverage.

12. False. Michael Clarke hasn’t been made Pope. He has just done very well at cricket recently.

13. False. Mitt Romney is not trying to become a publican for the second time. He is a republican candidate.

14. Meetings aimed at forming a bilateral position on asylum seekers broke down over the summer. Big Bash is a form of cricket.

15. Dostoyevsky was a novelist, Borovansky was a dancer and Tchaikovsky was a composer. Ajetski is a machine for destroying other people’s holidays.

16. The reason public transport charges have been increased is not so the government can make more money. It is to ensure a better class of passenger.

17. True. The news that the value of your house is falling is balanced by the news that the value of your house is rising. These stories are published in order to use ink.

18. False. The Australian Open is not a screen-saver. It is tennis tournament.

19. Melbourne Victory. The problem isn’t the name. It’s the results.

20. True. Melbourne was founded by Batman although it is believed the Docklands and Punt Road were the work of The Joker.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Arthur Screek, of Arthurs Creek. Great work Arthur and all the best to Ross. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. In Melbourne, vehicles which are immune to the road rules are coloured yellow.

2. False. The Importance of Being Robert Doyle is not a play. It is simply a fact of life.

3. False. Jeremy Clarkson has not been offered a job running the marketing division at Qantas.

4. False. The appointment of Mr Lowe as Deputy Governor of the Reserve Bank does not reflect the Treasurer’s view on rates. Mr High was unavailable.

5. True. Harvey Norman sells computers which enable people to go online and purchase things without going to Harvey Norman.

6. False. Letters written to the North Pole asking for specific football results in 2012 will not be given priority.

7. True. The picture shows the Premier, yes, although that is not a hammock. That is his office.

8. False. The reason for the lifting of water restrictions in Victoria is not so the government can make more money. It must be for some other reason.

9. Correct. Our Mary is a princess and Our Nic and Our Cate are actors. We don’t have a Kyle.

10. Peter Slipper. He was lowered into position using a system of ropes and pulleys.

11. The Trojan Women, Hecuba and Oedipus Rex were Greek tragedies. The Murray Darling Plan is a more recent work, of uncertain authorship.

12. False. Tony Abbott is not opposed to the law of gravity and will allow a conscience vote on the issue once he is satisfied there are ‘genuine offsets’ for business.

13. True. Anyone who finds a match has been asked to hand it in to the lost property office. It belongs to The Brisbane Roar.

14. True. Unavailable for the Boxing Day test are Gillard (back strain), Abbott (tendon damage), Swan (budget surgery), Hockey (trouser alterations) and the Joyce brothers with foot and mouth; Alan (foot) and Barnaby (mouth)

15. True. The Federal Court’s decision on bank penalty fees is currently well ahead of both leaders in the polls.

16. True. Unless otherwise stated, finance reports over the summer will be, in alternate weeks; Euro Hopes (market up, with graph) and Euro Fears (market down, with graph).

17. True. The behaviour of Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife is an abiding concern right across Australia.

18. True. A controlled burn in Western Australia took care of 32 houses, nine chalets and four sheds. This will prevent these properties from being damaged in the event of fire.

19. True, although Lady Gaga’s effort was more public. She tipped cereal down herself, in a video. Kevin Rudd had it tipped over him by the ALP, in a secret report.

20. The photo was taken at the ARIAs after-party. Cyclone Tracy occurred in the Darwin area in 1975.

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1. True. Fosters has been sold overseas. This is not an attempt to encourage Australians to drink less. It is top-flight business management at work.

2. False. There is not a Greek economist named D Fault. You have misread the question.

3. True. The standard AFL eye-test reads
   A D E M E T
   R I O U O M
   I T H W H O
   O P S I B U
   G G E R E D
   T H A T U P

4. Docklands. The Gobi Desert is in China.

5. True. The government changed its mind on the planned development at Ventnor. This was not because of community opposition or tweets from Miley Cyrus. It was because after announcing the decision, the minister recognized that it was stupid. Again, a hallmark of top-flight management.

6. True. The Planning Minister (whose name is Mr Guy incidentally, not Mr Bloke) has completed his primary schooling. If there had been room to show the full photo, it would have been clear that he’s wearing long pants.

7. True. The infrastructure at Ventnor is magnificent. The white line down the middle of the infrastructure will be completed once the infrastructure is paved.

8. True. Poor planning decisions and strange secret approval processes helped the Brumby government decorate its own petard and install industrial strength hydraulic self-hoisting equipment.

9. True. The ALP Asylum Seeker policy and the Coalition Asylum Seeker policy are both at odds with the High Court decision, both at odds with public opinion and both supported by sections of the media. This greatly assists in the elimination of any doubt on the matter.

10. The Singapore Stock Exchange was refused permission to buy the ASX. Australians do not want their guesswork being processed off-shore.

11. The pictures show (1) famous international statesman Tony Blair and (2) a smurf, a small plastic clown.

12. False. The action hero was Indiana Jones. Alan Jones is a Sydney broadcaster and part-time motivational transport hostage consultant.

13. True. It is now possible to pay the Australian Taxation Office with a credit card. Please don’t panic. Personal debt in this country is not a problem. In the event of an emergency an oxygen mask will drop from the panel above your seat.

14. True. Energy and gas used to be owned by the government. This was inefficient and in order to create competition and lower prices, the industry was privatized. Energy and gas prices have now tripled. (This can’t be right. Please check this.)

15. The result of the government’s very exacting scientific experiment involving cattle in the Victorian high country is as follows: Yes, all the whales killed by Japanese whalers proved to be dead, so we sold them to people who ate them.

16. Apologies: There was a problem with the previous answer. The correct answer is: Yes, all the cattle destroyed vegetation and shat in the water. This was roughly in line with scientific projections.

17. True. Samantha Stosur was promoted to the position of ‘Slammin’ Sam' because she won a Grand Slam tournament. News editors may have felt this was not sufficiently obvious from the story, which was that Samantha Stoser had won a Grand Slam tournament.

18. You were asked for the next number in this sequence: 100billion, 1000billion, 10000billion. The answer of course, was Italy.

19. Einstein. His Special Theory of Relativity has been questioned following the discovery of neutrinos which apparently travel faster than light. Craig Lowndes and Mark Skaife filled the minor placings and still head the overall standings.

20. False. Mr Demetriou is not related to Mr Loaf. Mr Loaf was hired because he is such an excellent singer.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Sandy Point, of Sandy Point. Excellent work Sandy. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Hugh Hefner’s sex life is a key narrative in high-end Australian media.

2. False. James Murdoch is not available for functions.

3. False. Bernie Ecclestone doesn’t own the Victorian government. He doesn’t need to.

4. True. The federal government has some work to do in the mountains. There is no time-trial stage in the carbon debate.

5. True. Despite their differences on economic policy, social policy, international policy and the future of the planet, Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott are at one on the big threat facing Australia. They’re both boldly opposed to gay marriage.

6. The photos show Clint Eastwood and Charles Bronson. Wayne Swan doesn’t wear a poncho or a hat pulled down over his eyes. Nor does he sort things out quite so effectively.

7. False. Andy Coulson has not been cleared to play for the Brisbane Lions.

8. True. The world still somehow has news despite the fact that The News of The World is no longer published.

9. True. Cadel Evans has announced he will defend his Tour de France title although this does not constitute recycling within the meaning of the legislation.

10. Christine Nixon. Her assertion that the media hounded her out of office because she is a woman is understandably offensive to the media, since they hounded her successor Simon Overland out of office too and he is a man.

11. James Magnussen. He is called The Missile because he follows The Thorpedo and swimming commentators are not yet tested for steroids.

12. The Head of FIFA has been returned to office in a genuinely democratic, completely open and independently supervised ballot due to be held next April.

13. The US economy. Either it is the most successful in the world or it is 4 trillion in debt. You were asked to tick only one box. It is no use trying to borrow more boxes. There aren’t any more boxes.

14. False. 37.11.233 is not a secret code or a mysterious theorum. It is a nice afternoon out in the Geelong area.

15. False. The habit developed in the media of labelling a story Something-gate in order to indicate its level of intrigue and importance (‘Carbongate’, for example) is not known as Drivelgate.

16. Incorrect. Robert Doyle is not the coach of Melbourne. He is the Lord Mayor.

17. The Australian dollar. For the next four nights it can be seen, with a powerful telescope, high in the eastern sky, between Sirius and Uranus.

18. False, the Big Bash League has nothing to do with football. It is a cricket competition and promises to be most exciting. Anyone who’d like a game, call Andrew Hilditch by Thursday.

19. Dean Bailey. Mike Rann was removed by covert activity within his own leadership group.

20. Wivenhoe Dam. It is built above the residential areas it is designed to supply with gravity-fed water services. This works well so long as it doesn’t fill with water.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Thomas Town, of Thomastown. Excellent work Thomas. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. The picture shows Marius Kloppers, the CEO of BHP, pointing out that wages are too high, while simultaneously announcing the biggest profit in Australian corporate history. The men standing next to him are Lewis Carroll and George Orwell.

2. Incorrect. ‘The Block’ was not a show about Chris Bowen trying to renovate The High Court of Australia and sell it at auction.

3. False. It was not Lord Malthouse who spoke against Climate Change. It was Lord Monckton. Lord Malthouse is not a Lord. Neither is Lord Monckton.

4. False. Ricky Nixon has never been the President of the United States.

5. False. Qantas is not a foreign airline. Its name stands for ‘Queensland and Northern Territory Air Services’. There is no airline whose name stands for ‘Queues And Not Terribly Adequate Service’.

6. The image shows the NSW/ACT border. It was here that hundreds of trucks were recently stopped by police and many thousands of people were thereby prevented from exercising their democratic right to inform Alan Jones that they didn’t exist.

7. False. Alan Jones is not the Speaker of the House. He just happened to be in the area.

8. True. The US government is believed to be in talks with Apple about the possibility of becoming an App.

9. False. The picture shows Kevin Rudd in shorts. Jack Vidgen is a singer.

10. False. Ted Baillieu did not win the Tour de France (Ted has a job that keeps him in Victoria). It was the man standing next to Ted in the photo; the one waving. (No hang on, they’re both waving). The one in yellow. (No wait a minute, they’re both in yellow) The one who looks slightly embarrassed. Cadel, yes. He’s the one who actually won the international sports event.

11. Correct. It was Channel Ten which broadcast Master (insert series of advertisements here and perhaps some other programmes and anything else you like) chef.

12. False. The London riots established not only that most people prefer to get their shoes from Foot Locker. They have also established that sentencing is still a useful way for English judges to let off steam.

13. False. The figure given was not the distance between The Earth and Jupiter. It was an AFL score in which one of the top four sides was having a canter over one of the less well-heeled outfits.

14. False. ‘The Malaysian Solution’ is not a Stephen King novel. It is an actual policy of the Australian government in 2011.

15. False. ‘O tempora O mores’ does not refer to the popularity of deep-fried Japanese food. It is a rhetorical remark made by the late Cicero: ‘Oh what times, Oh what customs.’

16. False. Al Jazeera is not a saxophonist. He is an international news service.

17. Incorrect. A radio announcement stating ‘That was Beethoven’s fifth’ is not an indication that Beethoven had previously kicked four goals. This would be absurd. Beethoven was a fullback.

18. False. Archimedes was not an Australian. He was Greek. And when he discovered that bodies displace their own weight in water, it was ‘Eureka!’ he shouted, not ‘Euripper!’

19. True. The following headlines were also available: c Hurley b Warne. Warnie Bowls a Maiden Over, Warniegate, Nice Body, Shane About The Face.

20. False. Tony Abbott has denied that he said he would do anything except sell his arse to get into power. There is no list available of the other things he would not sell his arse for. The clear impression given was that Mr Abbott’s arse is not for sale under any circumstances, assuming that a buyer could be found.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Don Castereast of Doncaster East. Fine work Don. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Victoria has a government. There are buildings, offices, letterhead and everything.

2. False. The police answering machine does not say ‘Mr Overland is no longer with the firm. To leave a message for Mr Ryan please press 1’.

3. A catherine wheel is a firework which, when lit, rotates at high speed, giving off sparks and flames of many colours. Andy Murray is a Scottish tennis player.

4. False. The Liberal Party doesn’t have factions. It has competing gangs of high-minded individuals.

5. False. The Greek economy is not for sale. The receivers, Eurobail, are confident they can trade their way out of any difficulties provided the concept of a taxation system can be explained to the freedom-loving peoples of the area.

6. True. The anniversary of Kevin Rudd’s replacement by Julia Gillard as Prime Minister was huge last week because a year ago the media helped precipitate the crisis and were in Canberra when it happened, explaining its importance.

7. False. There is no programme on Australian television in which people cook and lose weight while renovating units for famous people to dance in. Perhaps if all the children join hands….

8. False. Bernard Tomic is not available on the approved pharmaceuticals list.

9. True. Senator David Bushby was practicing his cat impression during Senate Estimates Hearings. (He is 45)

10. Etihad Stadium. The sun sometimes shines in the Antarctic and there are penguins leaping brilliantly out of the water on to icebergs.

11. The pictures show (a) Malcolm Turnbull and (b) an aircraft in a holding pattern. There is no connection between them.

12. True. NBN is a system for filling the area underneath Australia with blue wire. This is going well.

13. The photo shows, left to right; Paul Howes.

14. False. ‘Peter Reith and the four vice-presidents’ is not a band. They were just part of the chorus for the hit musical ‘Stockdale’.

15. True. Andrew Demetriou’s salary was grounded for several days due to an ash cloud.

16. Kim Duthie is a young woman who keeps changing her story and attracting media attention in increasingly implausible ways. Tony Abbott is the Leader of the Opposition.

17. False. The ALP was formed in 1891 and exists only in Australia. There are not ‘numerous of them in Switzerland’. The Swiss Alps are a different concept altogether and seem to be working well.

18. True. $81,000 for printer toner cartridges is about normal.

19. True. Collingwood have played interstate games. Several of them. There was one in 1927, another in the late 1960s and there’s one penciled in for 2015, at Etihad.

20. The photo shows Julia Gillard’s media advisors. The crèche is somewhere in the Canberra area.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Lily Dale, of Lilydale. Well done Lily. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. False. Sir Ken Jones is not working as ‘The Human Cannonball’. Going on leave at very high speed is not the same thing as being launched as an actual projectile.

2. False. The Victorian government will not commence all official occasions with an acknowledgement of The Half-Caste Act of 1886.

3. False. OMG is not a gas company.

4. False. Julia Gillard can’t do everything. That was Kevin’s job.

5. False. Tony Windsor is not a member of the Royal family. He is a skills coach, team motivator, masseur and part-time dietician with the Australian Federal Government.

6. True. Australia’s budget will return to surplus by the year [insert year here, allowing for daylight saving and strong wind warning for waters east of Cape Otway].

7. False. A photograph of Pippa Middleton is not an indication that there is no news. It is a reflection of the global importance of drivel about bridesmaids.

8. The Warrnambool Steeplechase will be held again next year at the Warrnambool track, the adjoining carpark, the road, the backyard of Mrs Polglase, out into the Primary School, across the tennis courts and into the Public Library. Stand well back.

9. True. Barnaby Joyce says Cate Blanchett doesn’t understand real issues because she is too successful. Seats for Barnaby’s critique of Rupert Murdoch are selling briskly.

10. The image shows Tony Abbott, Julie Bishop, Nick Minchin, Joe Hockey and Malcolm Turnbull all standing together in unity at a Photoshop conference.

11. False. The FIFA Ethics Committee is not for sale.

12. True. The fact that a glass broke during an interview with Wayne Swan occupied the media for nearly a week. It also effected the currency, the earth’s axis and the phases of the moon.

13. False. Gambling is not yet compulsory in Australia.

14. False. Robert Doyle is the Lord Mayor of Melbourne. Cushion airbags are a safety device in a car.

15. True. A footballer who gets drunk and does stupid things is a ‘troubled star’ the first twelve times, before moving into the ‘fallen idol’ category. If there is phone footage of him urinating from a moving vehicle or vomiting into the Governor’s hat, he may be promoted to ‘developing other projects.’

16. True. Australia was represented at the royal wedding by the Prime Minister. Lord Warne was unavailable. Thigh strain.

17. False. The Duchess of Cambridge does not come from Middletonia.

18. False. Bill Shorten was not a page boy at the royal wedding. He didn’t have the numbers.

19. True. Ted Baillieu’s argument in favour of jumps racing is that he favours jumps racing.

20. False the National Broadband Network was not bidding for Princess Beatrice’s hat. The network has its own system of antennae and is trying to bring the project in under budget.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Heath Cotejunction, of Heathcote Junction. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. False. Andrew Wilkie’s Anti-Gambling Law is not at 15/2 to get through the lower house and then 4/1 to be the subject of a discussion between Nick Xeonophon and the Greens. (Check Sportsbet)

2. True. The NSW ALP seats that best withstood the stampede were held by women. Therefore the blokes who caused the party’s defeat should be appointed to higher positions. (Carried)

3. True. A headline containing a question mark or the words ‘FEARS,’ ‘HOPES’ or ‘SHOCK’ is not normally an indication of finely crafted actual news.

4. True. The draft advertisement reads ‘For Sale. Ex Govt building. Top flight facility, 500bdrms, cls shps, pub trans, excellent roof (holds up to 10 people, all jumping), top qual fencing. Some fire damage. Suit handyman. Poss conference centre or similar (STCA). Villawood area’.

5. True. A trading halt is rumoured for Jumps Racing (JRG). Downward pressure from recent deaths, OH&S problems and concerns about product quality. Better value elsewhere. Strong Sell.

6. House Prices. The other graphic shows images from the Challenger programme, which has now been discontinued.

7. True. The Australian media are doing what they can to address the global shortage of photographs of Ricky Nixon getting into a car.

8. We have a lost boy here at the information desk. His name is Ted. He says he is the Premier. Would somebody care to claim him please?

9. True. Britain’s biggest industries are military weapons, tourism and exclusive articles about Kate.

10. False. Tutankhamun did not play for Hawthorn, although the colours are similar.

11. True. Mark Latham’s views on contemporary politics are of the utmost importance.

12. False. There is no opera entitled ‘Tooting Carmen’ about a motorized gypsy woman who warns soldiers before seducing them.

13. True. The way to ascertain which drains are blocked is to do nothing. If this important procedure is followed it will be obvious, once the streets are flooded, which drains need to be cleaned out.

14. True. Pauline Hanson failed in her bid to get elected to the NSW Parliament. A nation mourns.

15. False. The man whose unsuccessful attempts to shoot Bugs Bunny formed an important narrative in popular American literature was Elmer Fudd. He is a cartoon character and, by definition, has never appeared on Q&A carrying a shotgun. The Australian Foreign Minister is Kevin Rudd.

16. True. If we wait long enough, Australia will be able to import clean energy from China.

17. False. The item around which much of the action revolves in the graveyard scene in Hamlet, is the skull of Yorrick. The Federal Budget hadn’t been developed at the time.

18. Julia Gillard. Ahead of her as preferred Prime Minister were Tony Abbott, Kevin Rudd, Billy McMahon, Artie Fadden and the Horrie Dargie Trio.

19. True. The reason the Grand Prix loses tens of millions is that Bernie Ecclestone is paid such a lot to secure the rights. The decision to pay Ecclestone is nevertheless correct as the race brings tourists to Victoria. Bernie Ecclestone for example.

20. True. On April 22nd, St Kilda won a football match.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Clyde North, of Clyde North. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Scott Morrison apologised for the timing of his remarks. He very sensibly realised that the timing of his remarks was offensive and that he might have been wiser to make the remarks at another time. Never, perhaps.

2. True. Both the Leader and the Deputy Leader of the Federal Opposition are through to the quarter-finals of the World Staring championships. If things continue to go well, they will meet in the final.

3. True. It is very important what Mr Kennett thinks of the national anthem. Say what you like about Jeff, he made the songs run on time.

4. True. The decision to allow cattle to graze in national parks in the Victorian high country has been made on the basis that it is ‘a trial.’ If the cattle compact the land, trash the native vegetation and defecate in the water, they will be allowed to stay.

5. False. Peter Ryan is not the Premier. Ted Baillieu is the Premier. Peter just helps.

6. True. Kevin Rudd and Therese Rein have bought a house. In Australia a great many people live in houses. Please try to remain awake.

7. Correct. The Allan Border Medal night is an occasion for women in expensive frocks, and their escorts, who are drawn from all walks of life.

8. True. The AFL is completely different from Rugby League, which is plagued by drug issues and sex scandals.

9. False. Hosni Mubarak has not been approached by Richmond. He is at the latter end of his career and is thought to be battling weight and salary-cap issues.

10. Electricity prices. Say what you like about Jeff, he made the songs run on time.

11. True. Large sections of the Australian media were devastated when the recent floods failed to actually catch fire and explode as Cyclone Yasi ‘slammed into’ the Australian coastline several hours' drive from where reporters were modelling raincoats. Fortunately no one had cleaned the drains in Melbourne since 1979, so at least there were road closures locally, and traffic problems and attractive random fountains.

12. The photo shows a football team on its annual holiday trip. The other images are the running of the bulls at Pamplona and a cross section of the human brain.

13. True. The NSW state election will be on March 26. Anyone who would like to win it should get up there by the 15th. The loser has already been determined.

14. False. Harry Lime was not a cricketer. He is a central character in The Third Man, by Grahame Greene.

15. Sir William Wallace was a Scottish nationalist. Sir William Orpen was an Irish painter. There was no such person as Sir William Shorten.

16. Tony Abbott. The video shows him confirming that he has the party’s full support. That’s Malcolm Turnbull in the background, limbering up, doing a few leg stretches and that Merv Hughes thing with his shoulders.

17. True. Gerard Henderson stresses, when expressing his views on climate science, that he is not a climate scientist. There is, one often feels, too little of this sort of courtesy left in the modern world.

18. False. Barnaby Joyce did not require a sea-worthiness certificate for his Landcruiser. When he experienced problems with the keel, he headed her up into the wind, got out and walked to the nearest farmhouse.

19. True. The most commonly used words in Australia during the first two months of 2011 were ‘inundation’ and ‘redaction’. Inundation is a feature of La Nina and redaction is putting your pants back on.

20. True. The news that major book retailers had collapsed was a trending subject on twitter.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Ivan Hoeeast, of Ivanhoe East. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Julia Gillard is announcing tax offsets that compensate for the impost that goes to pay the carbon price that satisfies the ETS that lives in the house that Jack built.

2. False. The royal visitor was not called Prince RM Williams.

3. True. The Baillieu government will get around to doing things at some point. For heavens sake. They’ve only been in office since December.

4. False. There is no suggestion that the indigenous communities of Queensland and the Northern Territory intend to intervene in the running of the Liberal Party.

5. True. The name of the person who voted Labor in the NSW election will be known once the final figures are in.

6. False. Robert Doyle is not confused. He is deeply committed to a number of mutually exclusive positions on a wide of issues, reflecting Melbourne’s diversity.

7. False. The Federal Government will not be meeting with Mitre 10 in order to outline the carbon price and then see if they can beat it by 10%.

8. True. The state government has asked Melbourne University to lend authority to the important ‘trial’ to determine whether the destruction of alpine parkland by cattle reduces the risk of fire. If the University accepts the proposal, this research will be conducted by the School of Accounts Receivable.

9. Barrier Draw is a system of arranging starting positions in a sporting event, Barrier Cream is a facial preparation. Barrier Farrell is the odd one out. He is the NSW Premier.

10. False. Bob Brown does not tell the government what to do, from the magic faraway tree, using pixies.

11. True. Prince Andrew will be having a run in the reserves for a couple of weeks until the knee clears up.

12. False. Bookings for the Baillieu government’s new hotel development at Wilson’s Prom cannot be made by calling VCAT.

13. The remark was made by b) Wayne Swan. John Maynard Keynes was an economist and Ben Franklin was a nation builder and statesman.

14. True. Gun control in the middle east is somewhat behind schedule.

15. False. Q and A was not set up to provide Malcolm Turnbull with a venue for marketing federal government policy. He is opposed to government policy. He just expresses it better then they do. The views of his own party can be found on its website.

16. True. President Obama announced a program to deliver high-speed wireless broadband to 98% of America at a cost of $24 billion. Silly man. They could have had a desal plant in Kilcunda for that money.

17. True. It is now compulsory for every dish produced in any restaurant in Melbourne to contain chorizo.

18. True. ‘Nude St Kilda Schoolgirl Footie Sex Romp Nixon Drug Rehab Shock’ was not the story. It was the headline. The story was shorter.

19. False. A popularity poll is not an electoral ballot. On the basis of popularity polls, the federal government front bench would currently consist of James Hird, Black Caviar and the new iPhone.

20. Christmas Island is a natural wonderland with nesting turtles, red crab migrations, rich bird and marine life, riots and the slowest visa processing in the world.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Glen Waverley, of Glen Waverley. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. Correct. The pictures depict the French army at Waterloo, the German navy at Scapa Flow and the Australian Test Cricket side doing an advert for a phone company.

2. True. The European Tennis Championships are held at the Tennis Centre in Melbourne at this time every year. They last a fortnight and Australians are permitted entry in order to encourage media interest.

3. Oprah Winfrey. It was a great coup to bring her to Australia because she will attract many non-travelling Americans with no disposable income to holiday here.

4. False. Alastair Cook does not broadcast ‘Letter from America’. That was Alastair Cooke (note the E). Alastair Cook is a batsman in the English cricket team. His current test average is a million.

5. False. Justin Madden has not been re-zoned. He is simply working in a different job.

6. False. Kerry O'Keefe has not retired. The presenter of the 7.30 Report was Kerry O'Brien.

7. John Brumby. In conceding defeat he thanked all Victorians, saying it was a great honour to be Premier. This announcement was a day late and further delays are expected to continue on this line due to maintenance issues.

8. True. After being elected premier, Ted Baillieu was so excited he swam for four days.

9. True. Shane Warne’s comeback at an international level began in a day/night fixture in London in mid-December and seemed to be going well until he double-booked himself and was dropped for the rest of the series. Nevertheless still looks very sharp in the nets and could surprise.

10. Correct. Myki is a highly sophisticated computerized system. If you put enough money into it, the government changes.

11. False. Brad Haddin left the field to go to the toilet. Wikileaks is a slightly different concept.

12. False. There is no law saying that if the government doesn’t want to build a rail link between the city and the airport, they have to leave us the truck and the keys to the shed so we can do it in the weekend.

13. Correct. The English won the Ashes by a total of three innings and 44 runs.

14. False. Not all illegal drug operations are conducted using Australian naval vessels. Some importing is done by air.

15. False. The baggy green is not a bowler hat. Or a batting hat, it transpires

16. Gerry Harvey, come and see me afterwards. You were asked to write about competition in business. Your essay about your dream job is fictional, does not fulfill the requirements and is not very good.

17. Anna Bligh. Winston Churchill was English.

18. Looters are bad; the lowest of the low. Property developers and planning officials who have filled low-lying floodplains with thousands of uninsurable dwellings, are businessmen.

19. True. Tony Abbott was away. His condition was described as satisfactory.

20. False. Tropical storms across Australia in January and record flooding over an area the size of France and Belgium are not an indication of global warming. I’ve had enough of this. I don’t have to stand here and listen to this tripe. Clear off the lot of you.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Craig E Burn, of Craigieburn. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. False. The bible is not set in Victoria. There are plagues of locusts in both and it occasionally rains for forty days and forty nights but the Saints triumphed in the bible and Pontius Pilate did not authorise a huge development in behind the Windsor.

2. The flying kangaroo. The full finding from the European Commission wouldn’t fit on the tail.

3. False. It doesn’t matter how many mints he eats, he’ll still be Jeff Kennett.

4. Correct. The highest rating show is one in which children cook. Networks are in talks about programmes in which people do their washing.

5. John Howard. He spent nearly a month on TV, radio and in the press, explaining that the earth is flat, that Peter Costello is a dill, that Kevin Rudd should have held his nerve on the ETS, that Tony Abbott is doing a great job and that he personally no longer comments on politics.

6. Joe Hockey. Mrs Doubtfire was a movie.

7. False. Malcolm Turnbull is not hoping to play in the NBL next year although he is ‘looking very seriously’ at the NBN and has pronounced himself ‘as fit as I’ve ever been’.

8. True. Society would fall apart if the government legalised gay marriage. It is already in some trouble as a result of gayless marriages.

9. True. Electricity prices have tripled. If the SEC had been privatized and market forces allowed to operate, costs would have been reduced, the benefits passed on to customers and all this nonsense could have been avoided. (Sheryl, can you check this?)

10. The Aria Awards. No flowers please, by request.

11. The Pope. There may have been some guesswork involved.

12. Mohamed Haneef. Kevin Andrews is a Christian.

13. A Venus Flytrap is a carnivorous plant which feeds on flies and insects. A Desal is a non-operational plant which feeds on electricity and public money.

14. The Henry Review, by K Henry. It was ineligible for the Vogel Award for Fiction since it is clearly not the work of a single author and there have been suggestions not all of it was original.

15. Incorrect. Mr Abbott is not the messiah. He is just a very naughty boy. If he had not removed Malcolm Turnbull the Coalition would have been the beneficiary of the Rudd failure on ETS, would have shared the Green vote, would have been led by an adult and would currently be in government.

16. Mark Webber called. Running a bit late. Some sort of tyre problem.

17. The Australian dollar. Would the person who filled the exchange rate with helium please contact the Farmers' Federation. They have something for you.

18. The Victorian Election. It is today and the rules are clear: No running and it is not possible to vote for Bob Katter, Rebecca Gibney or the Wiggles.

19. False. None of the following is a headline. ‘Something Expected to Happen,’ ‘Something’s Happening Now. Reports,’ ‘Nothing Happened. Have Your Say.’

20. Correct. Although it did not begin ‘There were these three Irishman who ran a bank…….’ It began ‘There were these three banks who ran Ireland…….’

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Bonnie Doon, of Bonnie Doon. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Each year in Melbourne on the final Saturday in September, there is a huge event known as Possibly the Grand Final. Two football teams meet at the MCG and play their hearts out for two hours. The following week they do it again until someone wins. This pattern has been broken only three times; once between 1902 and 1947, once between 1949 and 1976, and once between 1978 and 2009.

2. True. The atmosphere at a grand final is unbeloyable.

3. False. The AFL does not have a GDP greater than that of Belgium.

4. True. When it is completed, the desal plant will produce rain quality water using only a billion mega-nargs of electricity per day. Construction is behind schedule and somewhat over budget because of flooding due to almost continuous heavy rain. This could not have been predicted since it has never happened previously throughout the winter in the Kilcunda area.

5. True. The desal plant will cost Mr and Mrs T Payer $18billion. This is $16billion over budget. It will then be owned by someone else. This deal was negotiated by Mr and Mrs Payer’s carefully selected representative, Mr J Brumby, a 57 year old male Caucasian, of Melbourne

6. False. The plant cannot be converted into a luxury facility for changing the names of women called Sally. This can already be done by Deed Poll and would in any event, not be a cost-effective use of governmental hubris.

7. Steve Fielding. A nation mourns.

8. False. The answer is not to call the show ‘Australia’s Two Next Top Models’. The answer is to get the result organized before announcing it.

9. False. Oprah Winfrey does not receive more government funding than Opera Australia.

10. The Grand Prix. The DJs claim was only $37m. And only once.

11. False. At no stage did Mary MacKillop play a few games in the back pocket for Collingwood.

12. It sounds like a fan-belt problem although check the radio. It could be that Christopher Pyne is being interviewed.

13. Max Markson. Excema is a skin condition.

14. False. The purpose of the Commonwealth Games was to highlight the sport, not the seating.

15. True. Valium is a benzodiazepine. (‘The Bill’ is a television programme).

16. False. Andrew Robb’s challenge for the deputy leadership was not a scratching. It was withdrawn at the barrier on the vet’s advice, due to bleeding in the off foreleg.

17. Correct. Channel 7 regularly purchases the right to broadcast live international rugby union. Nobody knows why.

18. False. The 2010 Australian Swimming Championships were not held in Delhi.

19. The mine was in Chile. It doesn’t matter where Chile is and it is not known whether it was a coal mine, a tin mine, a gold mine or a diamond mine. It was a mine for goodness sake and we had pictures of it.

20. True. Jeff Kennett claims he was shot at. Four and a half million people are believed to be assisting police with their enquiries.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Phillip Island, of Phillip Island. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. Wilson Tuckey. A nation mourns.

2. George Pell, Laurie Oakes and a crocodile. Andrew Wilkie, Rob Oakeshott and Adam Bandt were not given much television time. They were candidates.

3. The picture shows Mark Latham. A Catherine Wheel is a firework which rotates at high speed, giving off lovely colours and sparks.

4. True. Antony Green drives to work without the use of graphics.

5. False. The photo does not show the Myer Music Bowl. It is Bob Katter holding a tray.

6. The photos shows (L to r) Bill Shorten, Mark Arbib, Golden Staph, David Feeney, Herpes Simplex, Don Farrell, Karl Bitar and the H1N1 virus.

7. True. The ABC has an exciting new series of promos. They feature people throwing themselves sideways; a metaphor for the meaninglessness of the human condition.

8. The Ring Cycle by Wagner. It is an epic opera made up of four parts; Das Rheingold, Die Walkure, Siegfried and Gotterdmmerung. When performed in full it takes 15 hours, a fortnight less than an Australian election.

9. False. At no stage of the federal election did the Widow Twankey come on stage saying ‘Now, where did I put my ETS?’ and all the children yell out ‘It’s behind you!’

10. The NSW state government. As is. Where is. No roadworthy. Some rust.

11. Kevin Rudd. While you were out Acme Plumbing called. Will have a quote for you by Thursday.

12. Bill Heffernan. The others are the Cape Barren, the Canada, and the Grey.

13. Incorrect. A witness protection programme sequesters persons in society, provides them with safety, cover and an income. The ALP Brains Trust is a highly respected body, doing vitally important work. There are no parallels of any kind.

14. False. Climate change deniers are not a type of stocking.

15. False. Rail Debacle is not the name of the company.

16. True. John Howard encouraged people to invest in Telstra stock. It would be a great investment for mums and dads, he said, and the sale would benefit all Australians. Mr Howard was the Prime Minister.

17. False. Dick Smith does not determine ABC broadcasting policy.

18. False. John Elliott is not the host of Q and A. He is there to provide balance. If they have someone on the panel with professional expertise or a rational mind, they call John immediately.

19. Docklands Stadium. Sick of mowing the lawn? Yearn for concrete? Hate design? This is a dream come true. Huge empty mausoleum, cls shps, trans. Room for pool.

20. One Day Cricket. Result just in. Day night match at Lords. England 228 d Pakistan 179. Match due to start September 20th.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Violet Town, of Violet Town. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Penny Wong agrees with the ALP’s policy position against Penny Wongs.

2. True. John Howard was surprised that the African and Asian countries didn’t want him as Vice President of the International Cricket Council.

3. False. The ABC is a non-commercial network. The man who is still in awe of the sea, the conductor of coloured bubbles and the woman who pretends to be a novelist are not commercials. A commercial has a purpose.

4. False. It is not The Dill Solution. It is called The Dili Solution. It is essentially the Pacific Solution but with auto focus, image stabilization and a better zoom.

5. False. The World Giant Slalom Title has never been held at Etihad Stadium. The event on July 23rd was a football match.

6. The Tour de France. It is a cycling race over 3,600 kilometres through towns and cities which have in common that Justin Madden was not their Planning Minister.

7. Ben Cousins. He described lying comatose for a day and a half in intensive care as a wake-up call.

8. False. The 26 homeowners and 84 businesses to whom Premier John Brumby apologized for failing to mention that their properties will be bulldozed for a regional rail link were not in Toorak.

9. Kevin Andrews. A petard is small bomb.

10. For Sale. Rugby League. Re-stump, rewire and restore or demolish and redevelop as units. STCA. Entire sporting code. Must go. Suit handyman.

11. False. Paying off part of a mortgage before full term is called principal reduction. Bill Shorten is a politician.

12. Docklands. Now that it has been there for ten years, some thought is to be given to its appearance, design and utility. It has even been suggested the whole area be converted into a human community.

13. Mother Teresa of Calcutta. All the others are from the NSW Right.

14. The photo shows Tony Abbott, trouser icon and leader of the federal opposition. Isn’t he gorgeous?

15. True. The Australian media made it abundantly clear that Kevin Rudd’s downfall was inevitable. For reasons of space, their very lucid explanations were held over until after the event.

16. True. Victorians speak a form of English. Doggies Fly, Danii Ethan Drama, Fev Brownlow Shocker and Logie Tweets are all key phrases and should be committed to memory. European Economy, Environmental Crisis, Rational Discourse and History of Ideas mean nothing. Concentrate on the important stuff.

17. Clean coal, friendly fire, arts funding and customer services. The unicorn might turn up.

18. False. Melbourne rail commuters emerging from a tunnel on foot does not mean the transport system doesn’t work. It means we lead the world in tunnel walking.

19. False. The purpose of the AFL is not to give young people access to drugs in a supervised environment. It is to govern and manage the popular sport of Australian football.

20. ‘Midsomer Murders’. It is a British TV series. Inspector Tom Barnaby arrives in a village to investigate the apparent suicide of a man who is found hanging from a windmill during a Michaelmas celebration. While Tom is investigating what he suspects is actually a murder, nine other murders are committed and a barn catches fire. Eventually even Tom works out that the only person left in the village is the murderer. His assistant, who is even stupider, is amazed.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Lance Field of Lancefield. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. Punt Road. The other photo shows the Franz Joseph Glacier, where some actual movement has been detected by scientists over the past 600 years.

2. Gordon Brown. Forest Gump is a movie.

3. The James Hirds, the Michael Tucks and the Bruce Doulls. The Owen Stanleys are a mountain range in Papua New Guinea.

4. False. Access to the My School website will not be restricted when the global internet filter shield of kryptonite is introduced. It will be one of only twelve sites still available.

5. British Airways' quarterly report will be delivered later today. In the event of an emergency an oxygen mask will drop from the compartment above your seat. Please fix the mask to your face and breathe normally.

6. False. The famous message ‘Peccavi’ was not sent by the Pope. It was sent by Lord Napier and under completely different circumstances.

7. Also false. There is no such novel as ‘Fev of The D'Urbervilles’.

8. Kevin Rudd. Following a number of unfortunate accidents installing the ETS, the scheme has now been dropped altogether.

9. Mr Justice Media. In sentencing Ms Nixon he said an example needed to be set. ‘Having dinner is one of the most serious crimes imaginable. To have a hairdo as well is beyond belief. You will be taken from here to another place, where you will be flayed with bad photographs and big print.’

10. Jeff Kennett. Following his term in office there was a complete change under Jeff Bracks, Jeff Brumby and Jeff Madden.

11. Greg Dear used to play for Hawthorn, Gary Honey used to be a long jumper. Murray Darling used to be a river system.

12. Mt Eyjafjallajökull. Mick Malthouse was just having a few words with the boys.

13. False. Malcolm Turnbull did not retire. He was shifting his car.

14. False. The Eagles have plenty of talented players and began the season playing quite well. They just couldn’t string it all together. Westphalia is a state in what is now modern Germany.

15. False. OPI does not stand for ‘Whatever.’ It stands for ‘Office of Police Integrity’. Those boys at the back, stop giggling

16. Jumps racing. The EU is an arrangement whereby the European economies are linked. There have been casualties, certainly, and the recent incident in which ‘Zorba’s Unwell’, ‘Lisbon Calling’, ‘Erin Go Broke’, ‘Goodnight Iceland’ and ‘Shortly Madrid’ were euthanased behind a screen in the back straight, may have given the public the wrong impression. It’s perfectly safe and the punters love it.

17. The Windsor Hotel. The Buddhist temples were destroyed by the Taliban.

18. True. On the figures currently available it is safer to sail solo around the world for 6 months than to read a newspaper for 25 minutes while under constant surveillance in a maximum security prison.

19. Melbourne Storm. They were paying their players too much money. This was a disgraceful and unique breach of the rules and could not happen in business.

20. False. Getting a park anywhere near Etihad is not the greatest moral challenge of our time. It is number 3, nudged out by property prices and fashion week. (Global warming has slipped to number 8 and is in danger of falling out of the top ten).

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Wal Kerville, of Walkerville. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. False. Pim Verbeek is not a category on Masterchef. He is the Australian football coach.

2. Jessica Watson. Barry Hall would have gone through the middle.

3. False. Fergie is not a tractor, a penchant is not a kind of South American shawl and ‘bringing in the monarchy into disrepute’ is not a traditional dance performed at the Edinburgh Tattoo.

4. Also false. Richard III was not based on ‘Underbelly’, although if you liked the gangland wars and you can handle people killing each other while fully dressed, you’re going to love English History.

5. True. Tony Abbott said the world was warmer in the time of Julius Caesar and Jesus of Nazareth. Look at any photo taken in the period 100BC-33AD. They’re all wearing summer kit. No jumpers. No socks. No Beanies. And read your bible. There are no parables involving heaters.

6. A Royal Commission into Corruption in Victoria will take place from 9.30 till 10 on September 15th, weather permitting. Anyone stuck for a seat, call Harry at the Drug Squad. Tell him Des says it’s OK. $500 per unit.

7. False. Metro was not based on a series of books by Rev Awdry and Myki is not narrated by Ringo.

8. False. Wardrobe Malfunction is not a label.

9. Also false. False. ‘Israel Changes Codes’ was a football headline.

10. (Back row. L to r) J M Keynes, J K Galbraith, D Ricardo, J Hockey, M Friedman. (Front row L to r) K Kong, Q Modo, B Joyce

11. Jason Akermanis. He encouraged gay sportspeople to remain quiet about it. Jason does a lot of handstands.

12. The item shown is called a protractor. Every child carried one to and from school every day for a thousand years. No-one knows what they’re for. No-one has ever used one. It has no possible purpose. Perhaps it lengthens (or protracts) time. One day a link will be drawn between the manufacturing of protractors and a series of trust funds owned by Education Ministers.

13. True. The transcript of Julia Gillard’s speech (as follows) shows no inconsistency whatever on the implementation of an ETS. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Australian working families Australian working families Australian working families Australian working families Australian working families Australian working families Australian working families.”

14. Julie Bishop. In the first term she gave out 73 detentions and got four kids suspended for forging passports. Her hobbies include glaring and dressage. She dreams one day of owning a horse.

15. The Victorian Bushfires Royal Truth and Justice Commission. ‘War and Peace’ is a relatively short read and despite their faults, the central characters are not said to have ‘failed the community’.

16. True. Banks are highly competitive. Just not with each other.

17. False. His name is Clive Palmer and he is arguing against the tax on mining super-profits.

18. The Metro Timetable. Robinson Crusoe was based partly on fact.

19. Mr Justice Media. In summing up, His Honour reminded the defendants that they were the Australian Soccer Team. ‘It is immaterial that you have suffered injuries. Your job was to bring back the (checks notes) World Cup. You failed in this relatively simple task. I have no alternative but to sentence you to fathomless abuse from the local writers of headlines; each of whom has won the World Cup many, many times’.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Edith Vale of Edithvale. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. Correct. The Bureau of Meteorology has announced Australia has just experienced its hottest decade since records began a century ago. Please; not a word of this to Senator Fielding. It might be best not to mention the tooth fairy either.

2. Anti-hoon laws. These are being introduced by Police Minister Tim Holding to distract attention from the Pro-hoon laws being introduced by Planning Minister Justin Madden.

3. Alexander Downer. He is the UN Special Envoy in Cyprus, charged with resolving issues between the island’s Greeks and Turks. He works part-time, speaks neither Greek nor Turkish and is from Adelaide. Bookies have him at 400/1 and drifting.

4. Kathryn Bigelow. Julia Gillard was busy.

5. False. John Howard did not take out the Man of the Match award. He scored a pair, dropped nine catches and his two overs included 63 wides.

6. True. It was John Brumby. Someone has since explained to him that knife crimes are not caused by live music any more than tank warfare is caused by the early recordings of Tex Ritter.

7. Jim Courier. Nobody knows.

8. Hailstones the size of golf balls and serious flooding. Mobile phone videos of locusts, toads, volcanoes and the parting of the Red Sea are not authentic although the dinosaur eating Fed Square is very well done and not a bad idea.

9. False. This photo is also obviously a fake. Julie Bishop does not have jets of solid flame coming out of her eyes. Stand up the girl who did that.

10. False. When Tony Abbott said ‘Sex is one of life’s great pleasures,’ he was not endorsing the Darwinian view that breeding is an instinctive aspect of natural selection and genetic survival. From the waist up, Mr Abbott is a creationist.

11. Also false. Mary McKillop was canonized. Breaker Morant was shot.

12. The Rudd health plan is being considered by the states. ‘Up In The Air’ is a George Clooney movie.

13. The Luge is an event in which the participant slides downhill feet first at very high speed. Peter Garrett was simply moved to a slightly different portfolio.

14. Barnaby Joyce. He is now the Opposition spokesman on regional development, infrastructure and water. Workers in these areas have been asked to hide anything sharp.

15. Docklands. It is the envy of the civilized world and is being moved to a new position up behind the Windsor Hotel.

16. (l to r) Bog Man, Cro-Magnon Man, Homo Erectus, Wilson Tuckey, Homo Sapiens, Brendan Fevola, Modern Man.

17. Melbourne. The other cities, Tokyo, Paris, London and Toronto, all have public transport systems and rail links to their airports.

18. The Coalition is made up of the Liberal Party and the National Party. The All Ordinaries is a financial index.

19. The Grand Prix. It loses about $50million a year and NSW wants to steal it. Perhaps if all the children join hands.

20. False. ‘Whip till frothy, adding sugar’ is part of a meringue recipe. Max Markson is some kind of businessman.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Cam Perdown of Camperdown. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. The building, an astonishing feat of engineering, is in Dubai. At 2,727 feet, it is the most bankrupt building in the world.

2. False. While it is true that boatloads of asylum seekers cause a song and dance from the Australian Government; and while it is also true that Japanese whaling ships ramming other craft and splitting them in half cause no significant response from the Australian government; it is not valid to conclude that asylum seekers should kill whales and ram other vessels in order to gain approval from the Australian government.

3. Also false. The baggy green is a cap awarded for cricketing prowess. Bob Brown is a senator.

4. Tony Abbott. He has reversed his previous position and put the smugglers in mothballs. Sadly for his obsession with privacy, photographers have now worked out where he secretly rides his bike before dawn in yellow lycra past their cameras.

5. Joel Fitzgibbon. No-one knows. Perhaps he’s glued in.

6. True. It is illegal to ride on a tram without paying an amount you don’t understand into a machine that can’t explain, in order to travel on the wrong route to somewhere you don’t want to go.

7. It was b)The media coverage of Prince William’s visit. David Cassidy wasn’t in Australia at the time and ‘Bambi’ is a movie about a fawn.

8. False. The coal lobby is not a carboniferous reception area. It is the government’s peak advisory body on global warming.

9. False. The US Administration has tightened its intelligence procedures and is no longer recruiting counter-tenors. It is now looking for experts in counter-terrorism.

10. False. Re-gifting refers to the practice, often undertaken over the period following Christmas, of passing on gifts previously received. The Australian Taxation Office is a different enterprise altogether. It receives money from taxpayers and gives it to business.

11. John Alexander. All the others are tennis commentators.

12. Channel 7. The highlight of this year’s Australian Open Tennis was the superb men’s quarter-final match between Home and Away.

13. The photo shows a Collins Class submarine, a vital part of Australia’s defence capability. There are six of them and in order to retain the element of surprise, four of them work. The one pictured is patrolling the main street of Holbrook.

14. John Howard. He has firmed as Australia’s nominee to the International Cricket Council. Australia’s nominee to the International Gymnastics Federation is Amanda Vanstone and its nominee to the International Convention on Crippling Personal Shyness is Gerry Harvey.

15. Lyn Kosky was the Arts Minister. ‘The Drowsy Chaperone’ is a stage show.

16. Correct. The coalition accepts that sea levels have been rising for decades, initially by very small amounts and then by larger increments. These rises are measured scientifically and calibrated as follows: ‘Crap’, ‘A lot of crap’, ‘Complete crap’ and ‘Bullshit.’

17. The Office of Police Integrity. It is run by unicorns using invisible nets to catch sea breezes, which they later release into the wild.

18. Kevin Rudd’s boredom index was today lifted from Moderate to Extreme. If he gets on to art and literature, authorities are expected to raise the index to Code Red/Catastrophic, in which case residents should leave the area immediately.

19. Bernard Tomic. Every other 17 year old throughout history has believed it is deeply unfair and a calculated personal insult to be told to go to bed before midnight.

20. The photo shows the crowd enjoying the recent one day cricket fixture at the MCG. They were Dave Ingram and Ian Whittaker. Dave is a gas-fitter and Ian runs an IT business in Clayton. And sorry girls; both are taken.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Chelsea Heights of Chelsea Heights. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. The new myki public transport payment system, which will be introduced over the next thousand years, is named after its inventor, Mr Michael Mouse

2. False. Mary McKillop has not been spotted in pre-season training at the Junction Oval.

3. Telstra. Carthage was sacked, the Titanic sank and Dresden was reduced to rubble.

4. Copenhagen. Mt Disappointment is up past Kinglake.

5. Correct. ‘The rich nations’ include the UK, which is broke, and the US which owes $3 trillion.

6. The Berlin Wall. It came down in 1989. Kevin Rudd was unable to attend celebrations but has put in an offer for the wall, conditional upon the completion of sea trials, a strong set of anchors and a suitable parking place north west of Ashmore Reef.

7. Correct. The debate on Climate Change will take place at the Town Hall on Tuesday night, between Tony Abbott. He will argue for and against each proposition, making a distinction between his actual beliefs and his political posturing. He will also discuss the term ‘actual beliefs’. It starts at 8. He’ll get there around 9.

8. False. Despite having fulfilled the qualifying requirements with flying colours, Tiger Woods currently has no plans to play in the NRL next season.

9. False. John Brumby is the Premier of the state. James Packer just runs the casino.

10. Nick Minchin. The character who stole Christmas was The Grinch.

11. False. Mr Sheen was a cleaning product and hugely popular. He otherwise lived a relatively quiet life and was never arrested, charged or responsible for coke-fueled idiocy.

12. False. If children don’t want to eat their greens, they should mount a convincing argument against vitamins. Simply repeating over and over again that lettuce is a massive great big fat huge new tax is just silly.

13. Sophie Mirabella. She is the Shadow Minister for Being Opposed to Science.

14. False. Salvador Dali did not ever produce a work featuring Phillip Ruddock criticising the Rudd government’s Immigration policy.

15. The Heene family. They pretended their son had been swept off in a runaway balloon. He was actually hiding in the house. The Heenes were subsequently convicted on a charge of fooling the media who didn’t check anything and kept filming for four days.

16. Tony Blair. He was the British Prime Minister who went into Iraq with George W Bush on the basis of intelligence information which was incorrect. He recently tried to become President of the European Union. He was not successful. The other photographs show a fruitcake and a bag of mixed nuts.

17. Barnaby Joyce. He was encouraging the government to scrap its ETS legislation, shut its face and announce the date of the next federal election. The other footage was of Mt Vesuvius.

18. Cardinal Pell. His Christmas massage was broadcast around the world live on the internet, in a tradition as old as time itself. The other photos are of Mae West and Isadora Duncan.

19. St Paul. He was on the road to Damascus. Justin Madden was coming through Pakenham on his way back from Kilcunda.

20. Kevin Rudd. He will speak on ‘Australia’s Moral Landscape’. Take something to read.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Tim Boon Of Timboon. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. The Ashes. It is the most famous rivalry in cricket. A test series occurs every four years between the Australian side and a team made up of South Africans, Indians and a couple of English players with names like Badger, Roadworks and Turnip.

2. True. Michael McGurk was a Sydney businessman whose name was not Michael McGurk, who was not from Sydney and was not a businessman.

3. True. The inquiry looked at the impact on problem gamblers of an additional 150 gambling tables at the Casino. The Inquiry found that the extra tables could go ahead. The Inquiry looked at the matter very seriously indeed. The Inquiry begins on Monday.

4. True. The Murray Darling River system, rising sea levels, coastal erosion, the loss of species and increasing oceanic and atmospheric temperatures will be fixed by a market trading in emissions. No worries.

5. Elton John. Apparently he doesn’t meet the requirements set down by the Ukrainian authorities for turning up with a phalanx of western media and announcing he’d like to adopt the boy third from the left in the back row. No, not you; next to you. Yes, you.

6. AFL Grand Final umpires. Anyone who’d like a run next year, ring Andrew. Must be able to tell the difference between a goal and a point.

7. Ron Walker. His place on the Fairfax board will be opened up for development. Plans currently include a luxury boatel with gaming facilities and a car race through a celebrity lion park. STCA.

8. The stock market. It’s completely different. There’s no track, no birdcage, the weather is not a huge factor and the brokers are not weighed afterwards.

9. Lot 63. A handwritten document. In good condition. Signed at the bottom by Mrs Minchin. ‘Please excuse Nick from Science forever. He has a virus’.

10. False. Bart Cummings has never won the Premiership Cup. He is also yet to win the Stawell Gift, the Archibald Prize or the Australian Open. (He has withdrawn from Dancing with the Stars citing some soreness in the off foreleg).

11. Ruddabilitation. So far Robert Hill, Brendan Nelson and Peter Costello have entered the programme. All have struggled in pervious employment and with supervision and proper training it is hoped they might all make some sort of return to normal life.

12. Kevin Rudd. So little to learn. So much time.

13. Amanda Vanstone. For a full scale of our fees go to the website.

14. Paint drying. The Brownlow Count is an intensely interesting top-flight television show in which the numbers 1, 2 and 3 are repeatedly read out to a room full of adults for seven hours.

15. Alexander Downer. Bob the Builder was unavailable.

16. Australian bank charges. The pole vault is an athletics event.

17. True. The biggest spectator sport in Victoria is Rain. At the first few drops people rush to their windows and jockey for viewing positions, whooping, yelling encouragement and pointing out highlights. The score is updated live on-line and when it’s all over, kids are often allowed out on the ground to have a few kicks.

18. Tiger Woods. He is being paid an appearance fee of over $3m. The Gulf Crisis is a different matter altogether.

19. False. Julie Bishop did not appear in ‘The Stepford Wives’ and nor did Wayne Swan feature in ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,’ although Wilson Tuckey did make a brief appearance in ‘Deliverance’ and Barnaby Joyce performed a lot of the stunt-work in ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.’

20. Paul Keating. He was expressing his opinion on Peter Costello’s appointment to the board of the Future Fund, when it went off. The fire brigade say the area is now safe.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Caroline Springs, of Caroline Springs. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. Prince William. Kevin Rudd is not scheduled to visit Australia until 2011.

2. Brendan Nelson. A nation mourns.

3. The World Swimming Championships. The 2010 championships will be held on-line. Swimmers will register and be allocated a suit. They can then follow their suits through the heats and semi-finals on twitter. If a suit gets to the finals and wins, its allocatee is the World Champion and the holder of the new world record in that event.

4. The Desal Budget. On the night of October 15th it will be visible in the night sky and at 4.23am it will pass across the face of the moon, plunging the country into darkness.

5. ‘Senate Inquiry, The Musical’, Written by Godwin Grech and Eric Abetz. Starring Godwin Grech, Eric Abetz and introducing Malcolm Turnbull as Arrogancia.

6. Homosexual marriage. The government is also against music, springtime, witty asides and losing the Christian vote.

7. True. Bob Maguire’s odds of becoming Pope have lengthened slightly after a big plunge from the Archbishop. Bookies nevertheless rate Bob a good roughie in a very mixed field.

8. True. Football players have been enlisted to help get the message across that racist bashings are not on.

9. True. Many footballers have been rubbed out for on-field thuggery or are receiving counselling for drug and alcohol abuse, rape allegations and other sporting achievements.

10. True. Both projects are going well.

11. Barnaby Joyce. Barnaby Rudge is a fictional character; a simple but good hearted boy who unwittingly gets involved in ill advised political grandstanding when he falls in with bad company.

12. False. Abetz is not a verb. It is his name. Although we did accept either answer.

13. Gillard. A gibbet is an arrangement for displaying the victims of execution, a bollard is a short vertical pillar and a scabbard is a sheath for a sword.

14. The North/South pipeline will go ahead. The government is 100% committed to it and it is not negotiable. It has, however, been scaled back slightly due to cost over-runs, and will now run from North Balwyn to South Morang.

15. Hawthorn. Exactly one year ago they were filmed by security cameras at the MCG winning a premiership. Anybody who has seen persons matching the players' description should contact Police immediately.

16. Malcolm Turnbull. His lecture on the Laws of Evidence has been postponed and moved to a smaller venue.

17. False. Aloe Vera is not a greeting. It is a plant that produces an extract, frequently used as a skin lotion.

18. Australian Cricket reported a substantial loss for 2H09 and the 1H10 forecast is uncertain. A new business model is being considered. KPIs have been identified as a capacity to score runs going forward and initiatives aimed at lowering the cost of English wickets. The Spinning Division has been sold overseas and the middle order will be outsourced. CEO Richard Ponting says ‘Mistakes have been made, sure. But I’ve got every confidence in the boys’. Sell/High Risk.

19. Wilson Tuckey. Cartman is not in the Australian Parliament and would be ineligible for election in any event, since he is a cartoon character.

20. Cubbie Station. Belgium is smaller and uses less water.

21. Couple number 4 (John and Belinda). The judges agreed: Leaving aside the fact that there were three of you, a lively enough performance but really, at this stage of the competition we should have the basics down. You missed the lift altogether, the turns were a shambles and we could hear you counting. 2 points.

22. The Great Wall of China and Australia’s Arts Bureaucracy. The developments in Bahrain are not visible from outer space.

23. Joe Hockey. The picture on the right depicts one of those plastic figures they blow air into from the bottom in petrol stations and their arms wave about.

24. The VCA Luxury Units, centrally located in St Kilda Road and to be completed by 2014, will be in superbly designed precincts named Art, Dance, Drama, Music and Film. Your chance to appear cultured while living near Southbank and the city (shops, coffee, doodads) Book now to avoid disappointment, at unimelb.edu.au. Or call Glyn on 8344 6134.

25. Tim Holding. Come and see me afterwards. If you think it’s clever to just clear off on your own and not stick with the group, then perhaps you’re not leadership material. Matron and I were worried sick. Don’t you ever do that again.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Frank Stonnorth of Frankston North. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. Malcolm Turnbull. Everyone else in Australia should resign. Their behaviour is a disgrace. They should be ashamed of themselves. Their performance has been abysmal. They have let themselves down. They have let the country down. Worse still they have let themselves down.

2. John Elliott. The picture on the right features the opening of the Channel Tunnel.

3. False. Marjorie Jackson was never a member of The Jackson Five. She was an Olympic champion sprinter who later became Governor of South Australia.

4. False. ‘Open Slather’ is not the Victorian government’s plan for development. We would have accepted ‘Sustainable Slather,’ ‘Eco-slather’ or ‘First Homebuyer Slather.’

5. True. In order to receive planning permission in Victoria it is necessary to put in an application. Ideally beforehand.

6. False. The umpires are not members of the English cricket side and they are certainly not paid for sex. They are nice old chaps and their job is to hold people’s pullovers and have a wild guess about what just happened.

7. False. Swine Flu is not one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It is a flu virus. The Four Horsemen are Pestilence, War, Famine and Death. If one of them is unavailable, off the reserves bench will come the fifth Horseman, Media.

8. False. The Titanic was a ship. It was insured and the owners received money following the tragedy. Timbercorp was an Australian listed company and the executives received money before the tragedy.

9. True. The Miles Franklin Award is a prize for a work of fiction. It has never been won by a federal budget, a political memoir or a giraffe.

10. True. The average person has 12,684 passwords. One for the bank, one on each card, membership or affiliation, one with two letters and eight numbers, one with six numbers and two lower case punctuation marks, one for each computer, type of software, server, account, company, lock, mobile, department, utility, supplier, door, appliance or tin of baked beans. They are all in an email somewhere, which seems to have been wiped.

11. True. Roger Federer has won more Grand Slam tennis titles than anyone else in history. The correct order is Federer with 15, Pete Sampras 14, Margaret Court 62, Martina Navratilova 59, Billie Jean King 37, Roy Emerson 28 and Steffi Graf 23.

12. Incorrect. The world’s biggest problem is not the Geelong Football Club. The term ‘GFC’ refers to the global financial crisis, which is not the world’s biggest problem either.

13. False. ‘Sit,’ ‘Beg,’ ‘Stay,’ and ‘Roll over’ are canine commands. The contractual arrangement between the government and the casino is completely different and miles more complicated.

14. Barry Hall. He was cautioned in the third round for playing football.

15. White male, 50ish, Higgins area, some public speaking experience, seeks work, anything considered, has own transport.

16. False. Godwin Grech is not a Dickens character. He is a real person in a real job. He also has a part-time position in the Australian Treasury.

17. The Stawell Gift. The Ballarat Town Hall, the Ballarat Post Office and the Mayor of Ballarat are all in Ballarat.

18. False. Ute-gate is not an agrarian portal through which a certain class of vehicle must pass. It was a scandal in which the resignations of the Prime Minister and Treasurer were demanded on the basis of a forged email indicating that a car dealer who received no government money was unreasonably advantaged. Would Mr Gilbert please call Mr Sullivan.

19. Tony Abbott and Joe Hockey. The Broadcasting Act provides that they must be on television (rostered on alternate days) unless there is some actual news.

20. False. A waffle iron is a cooking appliance used to give a shape to a batter or dough-based cake. If Kevin Rudd turns up to give an address and finds his notes are all crumpled, he flattens them with his hands and just does the best he can.

21. Correct. The Victorian Government ultimatum to Grand Prix organisers read ‘Be warned. If the most expensive cars don’t come to Melbourne, we refuse to lose $50 million’.

22. False. A cartel emerges when oligopolists agree to control supply and arrange prices. Australia’s four major banks are in fierce competition. Just not with each other.

23. True. The Desal Plant will be run by a private company. There was some smart money this week for Ferrari but don’t rule out Pokies Akimbo or a company registered in the Brimbank area.

24. False. It is still very much a ‘bear’ market. The bull run in Pamplona had nothing to do with equities and far fewer people were gored.

25. Peter Garrett. Those whom the gods would mock they first make Environment Minister in a Labor Government.

26. Bill Heffernan. Cro-Magnon Man was broader in the face.

27. Amanda Vanstone. Les Patterson is not an actual Australian ambassador.

28. Television is a medium which has the power to take people out of their everyday lives. The highest rating show in Australia this month was one which shows people cooking dinner. It is very exciting.

29. Senator Fielding. Ricky Batting, Lee Bowling and Haddin Keeping are all cricketers. Senator Fielding is also the only flat-earther in the group.

30. The Moon Landing. The second most boring event in history was the development of the lettuce.

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We had a huge response to last month’s quiz, and congratulations to all who entered. The winner was Leon Gatha, of Leongatha. For the record the answers were as follows:

1. Kevin Rudd. Elmer Fudd is a figure of fun who does a lot of talking but consistently fails to shoot a wabbit.

2. The North South Pipeline. It will carry water from the north of the state to the south. Anyone who can help transport water from the south of the state to the north in the week preceding the opening of the pipeline, should call John Brumby immediately.

3. True. Pythagoras O'Toole was elected unopposed at the Brimbank Council meeting which is due to be held next Tuesday.

4. The answer was d) Rugby League. A lost cause, a train wreck and a basket case are all metaphors for a hopeless shambles. Rugby League is a sport.

5. This was a trick question. Both statements are false. The casino is not owned by the government and the government is not owned by the casino.

6. Bank Loans to Small Businesses. The Unicorn, the Birth of the Blues and the Mask of Zorro actually exist.

7. Julie Bishop. Peter Noone was the lead singer with Herman’s Hermits.

8. Pacific Brands. There were no suspicious circumstances.

9. Anna Bligh. Joan of Arc was French, rode a horse and heard voices.

10. Clark Kent. Clark Rubber is a supplier of pool requisites, Christopher Pyne is eleven next birthday and there is no such thing as Supermalcolm.

11. False. Robert Doyle is not a buffoon. He is the Mayor of Toytown. Grumpy, Dopey, Sneezy and Tinkerbell are respected councillors and Mrs Dumpty is filling in as Treasurer until her husband is well enough to return to work.

12. True. The Pope says that condoms increase the incidence of AIDS. Supporting him in this are George Pell and Peter Jensen, neither of whom is an epidemiologist or has ever been a member of the Hitler Youth movement.

13. Somalian pirates. They board the ships, take hostages and demand money. Wall Street deals in ‘equities’ and is given money by ‘investors.’

14. True. January’s big story was why the current recession couldn’t happen, February’s was about the challenge Peter Costello wasn’t making, March’s was about photos that weren’t of Pauline Hanson. April’s was about a Scottish TV contestant and May’s was about the flu. And yet media stocks are falling.

15. True. Alan Greenspan admits that the collapse of the global economy might have been a mistake. He is terribly sorry.

16. Babcock and Brown. The Great Train Robbery involved a train.

17. False. Cazaly was famous for his high marks although his Christian name was Roy, not Upthere.

18. True. Standard and Poors is a rating agency which recently downgraded its assessment of the financial viability of Queensland. Last year they recommended you purchase a bag of borrowed goat droppings rather than invest in CBA stock. You will get better advice from a potted plant.

19. The GST. Robert Mugabe will eventually go away.

20. False. ‘Gitmo’ cannot possibly mean Guantanamo Bay. Does Bitmo mean Buantanamo Bay? Does Fitmo mean Fuantanamo Bay? Does git mean Guantana? Does mo mean mo Bay? And yet media stocks are falling.

21. False. A protection racket develops a threat and then demands money from those who wish to avoid it. Microsoft is a legitimate business.

22. False. The Liberals are unanimous (42-41) in their total support for the current leader.

23. False. Disgraced, Former and Businessman are not his Christian names.

24. False. Baz Luhrman did not direct ‘Australia – The Budget.’ This is a Rudd/Swan production and has opened to mixed reviews. The Opposition says it’s too much too early rather than their preferred position of too little too late. Kevin and Wayne love it and Julia has seen it six times.

25. ‘E = MC2’ (Albert Einstein), ‘Fame is fleeting, but obscurity is forever’ (Napoleon), ‘What I will say is that if you add one and one, you will get a number which is greater than either one or one; most people understand that, and whether or not the sum of those elements is two, doesn’t contravene the position I have outlined. It may be two. I’m not ruling that out. The important thing is to move forward with a policy embodying what is best for the country but we can’t do that if Malcolm Turnbull persists in saying that one and one are the same thing. He’s wrong about that. They aren’t. They may well be identical but they are not the same thing. There are two of them for goodness sake. This is the entire point’. (Penny Wong)

26. Kilcunda. Hubris is not a beautiful section of the southern coast and Waterloo is in Belgium.

27. John Brumby and James Packer. They were talking about fast cars and from the way Mr Brumby is laughing it looks as if Mr Packer might just have mentioned the weather.

28. Stage 3a water restrictions. After that we’ll move to Stage 3b, Stage 3c, 3d, 3e, 3f etc. Please enjoy the music.

29. H1, N1, means each side scored a goal. The result was therefore a draw.

30. Susan Boyle. Leigh Matthews can’t sing.

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We had an excellent response to last month’s quiz and we congratulate everyone who entered. The winner was Robin Vale of Robinvale. For the record the correct answers were:

1. Climate Change. (We’d also accept Global Warming), John Howard. Eleven Years. Nothing.

2. Punt Road. With a huge international effort and determination on all sides, there is some prospect of a solution in the middle east.

3. ‘To be or not to be’ (Shakespeare), ‘I have a dream’ (Martin Luther King), ‘This was their finest hour’ (Churchill), ‘The budget’s buggered’ (Wayne Swan).

4. Stage three and half water restrictions. Peter Pan and the unicorn are imaginary figures for children.

5. Brendan Nelson. He was CEO until Malcolm Turnbull made a successful cash offer for the party in late 2008.

6. Kevin Rudd. More work is required on the voice, the rhythm and the content but otherwise the Obama impression is coming along nicely.

7. There were two deliberate mistakes in the announcement: ‘Bailout’ and ‘Property Developers’.

8. False. There were only seven wonders of the ancient world and Rex Hunt was not one of them.

9. False. It is not an inventory of Scottish vegetation. He played The Joker in ‘Batman’.

10. False. It is not because he can’t get another job. It is due to a selfless obsession with representing the good folk of Higgins.

11. False. George W Bush had no second language. His first language will be known when the CIA files are opened.

12. False. Hussein is the name of the Jordanian royal family. Usain Bolt is a rapid pedestrian.

13. True. When Jelena Dokic appeared at the 2002 Australian Open she was booed. When she appeared at the 2009 Australian Open she was photographed wearing a flag and her opponent was booed. The media were present on both occasions.

14. False. Melbourne’s Public Transport system is not a raffle. A raffle doesn’t get cancelled twice a week, catch fire, bend, buckle, break, melt, or require a billion dollars worth of infrastructure.

15. True. Work stopped on the desalination plant in winter because the site was underwater (This only happens every year).

16. False. John Brumby is not an acknowledged international expert on water management.

17. Ron Walker. The Grand Prix. $45million a year.

Q18. Andrew Symonds. All the others are boofheads.

1. No it does not sell toilets. A convenience store is so called because its prices are sufficiently high to make it convenient for the owners.

2. The Liberal Party. The Brady Bunch fell apart when the ratings dropped.

3. The Howard Years. Paradise Lost is a poem by John Milton.

4. Peter Garrett. Everything Midas touched turned to gold.

5. Phillip Ruddock. The others are all garden ornaments.

6. Kevin Andrews. Dr Haneef will see you now.

7. Jeff Kennett. Ivan the Terrible was called Ivan.

8. Tony Abbott. The Victoria Cross is a bravery award.

9. George Pell. The others are Darth Vader and Anna Wintour.

10. Farnsie, Barnsie, Warnie, Tubby, Boonie, Buddy, Gillie and Punter. Ian Frazer is an immunologist, best known for his work on the development of a cervical cancer vaccine.

11. False. There is an economy. It comes down the chimney once a year if you believe really hard. Perhaps if all the children join hands.

12. Correct. Hedge-funds are monies collected in order to facilitate the purchase of herbaceous borders.

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