Mr John Clarke

We had a fantastic response to the Easter quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Donna Buang, of Donna Buang. A fine effort Donna. Well done. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. False. Anna Meares has never been the Premier of Queensland. If ever they turn it into a sprint event, however, stand well back.

2. True. The picture shows Bogman, who was trapped in a bog in northern Europe for over a thousand years. Craig Thompson just doesn’t get out much at the moment.

3. False. It is not illegal in Victoria to generate electricity using solar technology. The burning of fossil fuels is simply considered by the government to be better for the environment.

4. False. The Australian open water swimming champs are not held annually during the Oxford Cambridge boat race. There was a clash of dates this year but organizers are confident they can sort it out.

5. True. This has already been leaked so there can be no harm in announcing it. The 2012 Brownlow Medal has been won by Hamish Blake.

6. False. They did not elect a new Pope in Altona on Tuesday. A chemical store went up. The fire was attended by two appliances and has been contained.

7. The picture shows an avocado, a pumpkin, a sherrin and Paul Howes (right)

8. True. There is a dispute going on in the football pages although technically The Malthouse Theatre is a building in Sturt Street.

9. False. The government has never left The Grand Prix out on the nature strip over a long weekend in the hope that someone might take it. This wouldn’t work anyway. People aren’t idiots.

10. False. The U S Masters is not a baby contest. Bubba Watson is not actually an infant. He is a drate big man.

11. This was a trick question. It was a debate in the sense that Richard Dawkins was debating George Pell but not in the sense that George Pell was debating Richard Dawkins.

12. True. Barnaby Joyce is looking for a lower house seat, the better to expound his vision for Australia.

13. False. The photograph shows Campbell Newman. Alfred E Newman is a cartoon character.

14. True. The government has managed to secure the Logies for Victoria, for 5 years. There will be 5 live broadcasts and, as with this year’s, each will last a year.

15. False. At no stage has the Collingwood Football Club ever come into contact with an iceberg while crossing the Atlantic.

16. True. The Victorian government has commissioned a secret report on where it has put its anti-corruption inquiry.

17. True. Clive Palmer’s company performed very poorly last year, declaring a loss and paying no tax whatever. Somehow Clive managed to retain his role as manager.

18. The embattled Health Services Union is not the EHSU. It is the embattled HSU.

19. True. Robert Doyle is standing for a second term as Lord Mayor of Melbourne. Let joy be unconfined.

20. True. The federal government has a majority of one and is united by a lack of confidence in either of its leaders. The opposition also has two leaders and similarly one of them deposed the other. All share, as their first and abiding priority, a burning desire to serve you.

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The great actor/manager Sam Neill is, in his spare time, also the President of the People’s Republic of Pinot. He has put up on his website a simple test John designed as a guide to a knowledge of fine wines. Here it is:

Are You a Wine Expert?

1. Do you have more than two books about wine?
2. Are your other books about food, rugby and the genius of Neil Diamond?
3. Have you ever held a glass up to the light, rolled the wine around and said ‘Yes. Excellent’
4. Do you think the wine is better if the bottle is covered in dust?
5. When you hear that something has a good nose, do you you think of Gerard Depardieu?
6. Do you think Sangiovese is quite a handy flanker from Hawkes Bay?
7. Do you send wine back, but order the sausages?
8. Have you ever stopped singing ‘Danny Boy’ in order to ask a friend which side of the hill the wine comes from?
9. Do you regard anything over $12 as an investment wine?
10. Do you think a garagiste is a person skilled in the housing of tractors?
11. When you see a refractometer, do your bowels tighten slightly?
12. Do you think Chateau Margaux is where Rudolf Nureyev had his barrique looked after?
13. Do you frequently tell people red wine is good for you because it contains antioxidants?
14. Have you ever considered refraining from eating oxidants?
15. Do you wish to personally congratulate the man who invented the screw-top wine bottle?
16. Do you swill a small taste of wine thoughtfully around on your palate before spitting into the sommelier?
17. When you hear mention of a drip dickey, do your thoughts turn automatically to the trouser?
18. Have you ever consciously attended a horizontal wine-tasting?
19. When you enjoy a Reserve Pinot, do you secretly hope one of the other Pinots gets injured, so it can get a run on the park?
20. When being breathalysed, have you ever asked the police officer for a pH reading?

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Seb Astopol, of Sebastopol. And great work Sebbie boy. Well done. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. If you would like to be Victoria’s Planning Minister, please present yourself at Spring Street on Monday morning with a cut lunch. Please wear a tie and bring an “Approved” stamp.

2. False. Great Expectations is not about a little boy called Tony who dreams of attaining a higher station in life, backed by what turns out to be a lot of convict money from NSW. The boy’s name is Pip.

3. A suicide bomber straps explosives to himself and arranges to be among his enemies when he explodes. Kevin Rudd was attempting to regain the leadership of the ALP.

4. False. The Victorian government is not driving 500 head of hundred of cattle into the Coburg area in order to reduce the risk of fire.

5. The photograph shows a china shop. Bob Katter is just out of shot but you can see part of his hat.

6. False. Greece is not for sale. It was part of a deceased estate and was passed in twice. It has since been taken off the market.

7. False. Bob Carr did not arrive on a white charger and has not yet parted any waters in an official capacity.

8. The picture shows Evictus Maximus reclining after a four day banquet in ancient Rome. Peter Slipper simply enjoys his work.

9. False. Anna Bligh has not wrung Kevin Rudd’s neck. If not re-elected as Premier of Queensland, however, she may have more time for hobbies.

10. False. Noah is not from up around Shepparton or the Wagga Wagga area. He is listed as a boat-builder, vintner and part-time nudist, of Mt Ararat.

11. Sally forth is an expression meaning take off, set out or depart. Sally Pearson, the rapid pedestrian, is an excellent example.

12. False. Julia Gillard does not endorse same sex marriage. Her declaration that it was Gay Monn simply reflected her determination in a recent contest.

13. False. The large number of articles about the new Foreign Minister does not constitute a Carr industry.

14. False. Clive Palmer is not a living rational treasure.

15. The Premier. The Queen, The Prime Minister, the Attorney General, the Governor General and Black Caviar are all female.

16. Jeremiah wept a great deal, saying that he’d been forsaken and that foreigners were profiting in his land. Gerry Harvey is a retailer worth $800million.

17. The picture shows workers at the UN gathered on the roof to witness a partial eclipse of Ban Ky Moon

18. False. Ecclestone is not a skin condition. He is an 81 year old English businessman who is on a benefit from the Victorian government.

19. True. The reason Barack Obama and Benjamin Netanyahu look away from each other after being photographed shaking hands is that they’re both doing PhDs in White House décor.

20. True. The picture shows Robert Doyle and a Moomba float. The Moomba float is the one with wheels.

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Memo to all teaching staff.

It was made very clear during the build-up to the Olympics, that establishing sensible rules about the students getting to bed at a reasonable hour, would be an important consideration in preparing for the important scholarship exams set down for the week following the closing ceremony. I’m sorry to say that a couple of our better students have failed to perform and will have to sit supplementary exams in order to pass at all. As had been repeatedly stressed beforehand, the young are often not the best judge of how much rest they need and at times such as this, they require guidance about establishing a routine and sticking to it. These results have been a major disappointment and, unsurprisingly, our marketing people have steam coming out their ears. Here are two of our brightest and best photographed during the oral section of the language exam. Further comment is superfluous.

U. R. Orlon-Notice
Chairman,
The Board,
St Expensives.

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