The great actor/manager Sam Neill is, in his spare time, also the President of the People’s Republic of Pinot. He has put up on his website a simple test John designed as a guide to a knowledge of fine wines. Here it is:
Are You a Wine Expert?
- Do you have more than two books about wine?
- Are your other books about food, rugby and the genius of Neil Diamond?
- Have you ever held a glass up to the light, rolled the wine around and said ‘Yes. Excellent’
- Do you think the wine is better if the bottle is covered in dust?
- When you hear that something has a good nose, do you you think of Gerard Depardieu?
- Do you think Sangiovese is quite a handy flanker from Hawkes Bay?
- Do you send wine back, but order the sausages?
- Have you ever stopped singing ‘Danny Boy’ in order to ask a friend which side of the hill the wine comes from?
- Do you regard anything over $12 as an investment wine?
- Do you think a garagiste is a person skilled in the housing of tractors?
- When you see a refractometer, do your bowels tighten slightly?
- Do you think Chateau Margaux is where Rudolf Nureyev had his barrique looked after?
- Do you frequently tell people red wine is good for you because it contains antioxidants?
- Have you ever considered refraining from eating oxidants?
- Do you wish to personally congratulate the man who invented the screw-top wine bottle?
- Do you swill a small taste of wine thoughtfully around on your palate before spitting into the sommelier?
- When you hear mention of a drip dickey, do your thoughts turn automatically to the trouser?
- Have you ever consciously attended a horizontal wine-tasting?
- When you enjoy a Reserve Pinot, do you secretly hope one of the other Pinots gets injured, so it can get a run on the park?
- When being breathalysed, have you ever asked the police officer for a pH reading?