Mr John Clarke

We had a gratifying response to our ‘At Least Malcolm Uses Verbs’ quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Carl Sruhe, of Carlsruhe. Well done Carl. A mighty effort. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. It’s tomorrow night. If the skies are clear, we should see the deficit move across the face of the moon at about 4am. If you go to www.finance.lostway.gov.au you can see Mathias Cormann explain why it is not happening, why it’s not his fault and why he and Joe Hockey were smoking cigars.

2. True. There has never been a better time to be an Australian, although there might have been a better time to be Mal Brough.

3. True. If the employees at Clive Palmer’s nickel business had had the good sense to form an entirely useless political party, they’d have been paid unaccountably large amounts of money just before the business went broke.

4. False. Buying or borrowing a stock on the assumption that its price will fall and repayment can be made at a lower price, is called Short Trading or Short Selling or simply Shorting. Shorting a bill with a stated face value may be less attractive due to the lower beta coefficient. Bill Shorten is therefore not advisable.

5. False. Adani is not a judge on the X Factor. Adani is a coal company obsessed with protecting the environment and creating Australian jobs.

6. True. The book is called ‘Go the F… to Sleep’ and it begins ‘Once upon a time there was a little boy who thought he was still Prime Minister….’

7. False. The quote was taken from the final diary entry of Scott of the Antarctic. Scott of the Treasury is still out there somewhere.

8. True. Santa received a great many letters last year and couldn’t possibly answer all of them. He made an exception in the case of two young Australians. ‘Dear Eric and Kevin’ Santa wrote, ‘Thank you for your letters. Please stop asking for the same thing each year. You got it the previous year and it didn’t work. Even Joe has worked this out. Love from Santa’.

9. True. George Pell has a heart problem.

10. True. Corey Bernardi has been put on earth in order to make it clear that there’s always someone less fortunate than yourself.

11. False. The third umpire is often under a great deal of pressure and has pleaded this week with cricket-lovers to stop abusing him. ‘Dear Kevin and Eric’ the umpire has written. ‘I’m sorry you’re so upset but the video clearly shows Tony well out of his ground. He had also been bowled, had stepped on his own wicket and had attempted to punch the man at short leg. Please stop appealing. It’s not going to happen’.

12. True. People who begin all their sentences with the word ‘So’ are being allowed into Australia in increasing numbers. The government denies this a crisis. ‘So these people literally have nowhere else to go’ said a spokesperson.

13. The quest to find the least diplomatic person in Australia has been completed. The winner has won a position as Australia’s ambassador to the United States.

14. False. The picture shows Tinker Bell. Julie Bishop is petite and she flies a lot but Tinker Bell was not present when Malcolm called Scott about how to fix the Tony problem.

15. False. A Liberal Party spokesman has denied that Ian MacFarlane will be receiving the 4c per litre petrol discount or the set of steak-knives. ‘I’m afraid Mr Macfarlane does not qualify for our Loyalty Program’ the spokesman said.

16. False. ‘Call me Ishmael’ is the first line of Moby Dick. It is not a tweet.

17. False. People who claim to be ‘discussing some issues around that space’ are not taking over the country. They are entitled to express themselves as they wish (although if they ever get together with the people who begin their sentences with ‘So’, an emergency hooter will sound and the entire area will be cleared).

18. True. Some of the yachts in the Sydney to Hobart Race this year were forced out of the event by wild weather. This was enormous news, having only previously happened in every other year.

19. False. Australia won the ODI series. Hawthorn was not involved in any way and Jonathan Thurston did not drop a goal in the final seconds to clinch the title for Queensland.

20. False. The Essendon Football Club had a very decisive board. A hover-board is a device for starting fires.

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We had a gratifying response to our ‘Year in Review’ quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Glen Huntly of Glenhuntly. And our congratulations go to you Glen. A mighty effort. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Joe Hockey has announced he is using the budget as a shock absorber. The government is also expected to confirm that Tony Abbott is using it as a tie-rack and Mathias Cormann is using it as an ashtray.

2. Correct. There is to be a referendum on whether or not the Constitution should recognise indigenous Australians. Further referenda are expected to determine the religious denomination of the Pope and to ascertain whether or not the toilet arrangements of bears have any impact on wooded areas.

3. True. The G20 leaders greatly enjoyed the lecture given to them by Tony Abbott about what he has done in government. On the down side however, the world’s leaders are now aware of what Tony Abbott has done in government.

4. True. The ALP hates the Greens because the electorate is concerned about environmental issues and although the ALP’s environmental policy includes a formal acknowledgement of photosynthesis and comes in an excellent folder, the mustard remain uncut.

5. True. The reason the Oscar Pistorius trial received blanket television coverage in Australia remains a mystery. Shots of people we don’t know milling about in a courtroom in another country were broadcast around the clock. We might just leave it there but we’ll go back as soon as any development appears likely.

6. False. You are perhaps thinking of a urinary tract infection. Sepp Blatter is the head of FIFA.

7. True. Malcolm Turnbull interpreted Tony Abbott’s promise of no cuts to the ABC or SBS as not really a promise because the context had changed. Mr Turnbull later retired hurt.

8. True. Treasury’s income assumptions were reported missing in the ACT in July and search teams are expected to continue combing the area with sonar equipment, until March.

9. False. Bronwyn Bishop is not a bouncer. She is the Speaker of the House of Representatives. A bouncer throws out anyone he doesn’t like the look of.

10. True. George Pell discovered that the Vatican’s fortunes are in much better shape than expected because hundreds of millions of Euros were hidden in accounts in various banks. For some reason these accounts were not officially recorded. Thankfully George has found no evidence of wrong-doing.

11. True. The best performers in the federal government are said to be Andrew Robb and the man who bangs on the parliament door with a big stick.

12. True. Nick Xenophon is an anthropologist. He studies human behaviour in the Australian senate and has his own documentary series called ‘The News.’

13. True. Clive Palmer has described Barnaby Joyce as a fat red-faced man who is under terrible pressure. The kettle was not available for comment.

14. True. Joe Hockey will remain as Treasurer until every comma in the budget has been removed, changed, denied, reversed, inverted or interpreted to mean its opposite.

15. False. The term ‘hospital pass’ is used in sport to indicate that someone has been set up by his own side, to be thumped. Malcolm Turnbull was put in charge of snookering the NBN and reducing the ABC and SBS because of his experience in the communications industry.

16. False. It was an impertinence and an insult to the Abbott government for President Obama to make a speech about the importance of finding alternative sources of energy. A spokesman for the planet was not available since he was making a speech about the importance of finding alternative sources of energy.

17. True. Christopher Pyne voted to reduce the ABC’s funding and then petitioned the government in which he is a minister, to prevent ABC funding from being reduced in Adelaide. The Coroner has yet to release a report but police say there are no suspicious circumstances.

18. True. Nobody knows how the Abbott government got in. It is now thought that aliens may have neutralised the brains of the Australian population on September 7th 2013. The four Australians who actually voted for Tony have all now come out against him in their fiercely independent newspaper columns.

19. False. Greg Hunt.

20. False. When the Essendon football team plays next year, the TV coverage will not be out of focus. The blurry effect is just used in news footage, in case anyone finds out what the players look like.

21. True. When the new rules come into force, Adam Scott will have to get rid of his putter. (Lord hear our prayer).

22. False. The picture shows Eric Abetz. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas is a fictional character.

23. Correct. The Age of Entitlement is over. (There are some exceptions to this. Please check your postcode).

24. True. Because of a down-turn in iron ore prices and a blowout in Australia’s deficit projections, the February Unemployment Number will jackpot to April, the May Economic Statement will move to June, the panic set down for July will be re-scheduled for late August and the September claim that it’s not Joe’s fault will become part of the October austerity measures.

25. True. Australia’s commitment to foreign aid has been buried at sea following a private ceremony. Our hearts go out to no-one.

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We had a wonderful response to our bumper post-Budget quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Jan Juc of Jan Juc. And our congratulations go to you Jan. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. The picture shows Treasurer Joe Hockey picking up his parliamentary entitlements. This is an example of heavy lifting. Note that he bends at the knees.

2. False. There is no plan to privatise HECS debt. The reason Christopher Pyne is shifting universities to the ‘interest-free for six months on all white-goods’ model, is simply a concern for quality in tertiary education.

3. False. The fact that Tony Abbott has promised something does not mean it will definitely not happen. Try to remember whether the promise was written down, whether it was a ‘solemn’ promise, whether it was ‘fair dinkum,’ whether he has ‘moved on’, whether it was ‘fundamentally honest’, whether it was a promise he was ‘determined to keep’, whether it was broken ‘temporarily’ and whether or not there was an election on.

4. True. Joe Hockey and Mathius Cormann were given the task of leaking the budget and marketing its underlying agenda. The cigars were a masterstroke.

5. True. The national audit of Australia’s fiscal position did not include a discussion of the government’s income.

6. True. Joe Hockey’s response to the state of the Australian budget when he came into office was to give $9b to the Reserve Bank and announce an inherited liquidity crisis.

7. True. Tony Shepherd is a corporate leader with particular expertise in running businesses which used to be government infrastructure. His recommendations included the sale of more government infrastructure. This was completely unexpected.

8. False. When the National audit was announced, Joe Hockey, Tony Shepherd and Mathius Cormann were not laughing at the content of the report and the effect it would have. They were remembering a very amusing story which they’d been told some days previously.

9. False. It is not true that when Arthur Sinodinos remembered his name during the ICAC hearing, the NSW Bar Association rose to its feet and sang the Hallelujah Chorus.

10. False. The photograph shows Clive Palmer. Jupiter is a planet.

11. True. In the city of Melbourne, the streets are available for use by the public provided this wouldn’t cause any inconvenience for property developers, crane operators or construction companies.

12. True. The finding of the International Court at The Hague was that the Port Adelaide football team is not using opposition sides for scientific experiment. They are simply killing them.

13. False. It is not possible to obtain results from next season’s cricket fixtures by calling Cricket Australia.

14. False. Barry O'Farrell still cannot remember being the Premier of NSW. He stressed that it’s quite an important job and if he’d ever done it, he’s pretty sure he would have remembered it.

15. False. The photo was not taken during a school outing. The person grinning in the cockpit of the Joint Strike Fighter aircraft is the Prime Minister, Tony Abbott.

16. False. George Pell has not been put in charge of re-arranging the tables of the money-lenders at the Vatican. He’s gone there to help clean up their finances.

17. False. There is no connection whatever between the involvement of Denis Napthine in anything and his connection with anything else. He has never met anyone and did not know of his own involvement or that of anyone else in whatever it was.

18. False. ‘You know nothing Jon Snow’ is a line from ‘Game of Thrones’. It is not the advice of Mr Snow’s barrister at the ICAC hearings. There is no Mr Snow at the ICAC hearings. If there were, he would know nothing, although the blood would drain from his face slightly when the documents were tabled.

19. You were asked for the next name in the following sequence: Aristotle, Copernicus, Galileo, Issac Newton and Albert Einstein. The answer of course, is Cyril Rioli.

20. False. The photograph shows a Sesame Street puppet called Beaker. Christopher Pyne is the Education Minister.

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We had a wonderful response to our March quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Stan Hope of Stanhope. And very nice work Stanley. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Your house is worth more than you paid for it 20 years ago. More news as it comes to hand.

2. True. The full forward for the federal opposition is Bill Shorten. The previous two spearheads were stretchered off under the blood rule. Bill was handily placed on both occasions to help with the clean-up.

3. True. Bernard Tomic is going along beautifully and recently chalked up a massive PB of 28mins 20 seconds at the Miami Masters.

4. False. The Shapelle Corby Special was a one-off program. The Severn Bore is an annual wave phenomenon on a river in England.

5. False. Scott Morrison is not an Admiral. In a lot of countries he would not even have a navy. He is the Immigration Minister.

6. True. According to Joe Hockey the Australian economy has been fixed, is collapsing, will be transformed, is recovering, has run out of money, is the envy of the G20 and has been reported missing. Hold on to your tickets.

7. Buddy Franklin. The GFC didn’t play for the Swans.

8. False. It’s the other way round, Nick Minchin and Alexander Downer are not Australian sportsmen and David Warner is not a diplomat.

9. False. There is no Senator Bigot. The man in the photograph is a highly paid Brisbane librarian.

10. True. The age of entitlement is over.*

11. True. It has been suggested that the Grand Prix isn’t loud enough. Other concerns for organisers are that the trees are insufficiently dendriform and the sea isn’t wet enough.

12. False. Bernie Ecclestone is the state’s most highly paid official but technically the Premier is still Denis Napthine.

13. False. The ALP is not in liquidation. Management has expressed the hope that it will be able to trade its way out of the current difficulties.

14. False. It was Tammy Wynette. Tania Hird has never released a single.

15. False. George Pell is not fallible. He trusted some people who simply weren’t up to it. He admits this freely and has named them all publicly on his way to the airport.

16. False. Paul Howes will not be going into politics. He has simply accrued a large number of RDOs, a substantial backlog of sick days and a fair bit of leave.

17. False. Arthur Sinodinos has never met Arthur Sinodinos and was not previously aware of his existence.

18. False. Craig Thompson is not appealing.

19. True. It was the former Governor General Quentin Bryce. The dive was a reverse republican somersault with a damehood and two twists. The degree of difficulty was 9.97 and although the entry was a bit messy, the wonder is that it could be attempted at all.

20. True. Australia does have a one day cricket team. It is hoped that one day they’ll play cricket.

*A list of those to whom this does not apply is available in the first class lounge.

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