Mr John Clarke

We had a wonderful response to our Christmas quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Clay Tonsouth of Clayton South. Well done indeed Clay. For the record, the answers were as follows:

  1. True. Tony Abbott has defended the need for secrecy in dealing with asylum-seekers by saying it is similar to the conduct of war. The war he is referring to is possibly Evelyn; particularly ‘Scoop’.

  2. False. Neither Patricia Wak nor Kermit Jagger played cricket for Australia. Kerry O'Keefe was detailing a significant incident which occurred away from the field of play.

  3. True. Justin Bieber has retired. He is twelve.

  4. False. The man in the picture is not Joe Hockey. The man pictured was signing for the deaf at Nelson Mandela’s funeral. It was later discovered that he had no qualifications for the job whatsoever and was ‘simply waving his arms about’. Mr Hockey is the Australian Treasurer.

  5. False. The album ‘Tapestry’, one of the best selling albums of all time, was recorded by Carol King. Calorie King is an online weight-loss organisation.

  6. True. Christopher Pyne is concerned there is insufficient emphasis on ANZAC Day in the Australian school curriculum. In order to be consistent with other government policies, this will replace science.

  7. False. The Battle of Waterloo was won by the Duke of Wellington. Duke Ellington was a composer and band leader.

  8. False. Deputy Prime Minister Julie Bishop did not describe the conditions of Australian mining workers as worse than those of asylum seekers on Nauru. She described the conditions of asylum seekers on Nauru as better than those of Australian mining workers.

  9. True. Using the model of the Sydney to Hobart yacht-race, the way to stop the boats is to welcome them with a lot of hooting and yelling and give everyone on board a drink. This seems to work well every year.

  10. True. Tony Abbott’s removal of the carbon tax will reduce your electricity bills. This will work as follows. When you receive an electricity bill, slip it under your pillow. In the morning there’ll be a tooth.

  11. True. Media comment on Alastair Cook ( C ) has been rather harsh. Following representations from the English players, his status is expected to be lifted to Alastair Cook (B minus).

  12. True. A tax on going to the doctor is an excellent idea and no, it won’t reduce the profits of international mining companies.

  13. True. Piers Morgan is an English cricketer. He faced one over, was clean bowled and suffered a broken rib. He was immediately approached by The Test and County Cricket Board about how soon he can start.

  14. True. Australia has just had it hottest year on record. This was not the result of an increase in temperature. The cause was an absence of cooler conditions.

  15. True. Holden will close its manufacturing business in 2017. Holden Adelaide will close and Holden Port Melbourne will close. Holden Caulfield will retain his status as important fictional character.

  16. False. Hitting a tennis ball over the net through your legs while running backwards is a considerable skill but it doesn’t have a name. ‘Federation’ is a constitutional term.

  17. False. The man photographed is not Prince Harry. It is Ben Stokes, a Siddle-order batsman in the English cricket team.

  18. True. The school play this year will be The Dog that Whistled, by John Howard. John is an old boy of the school and will also be directing the production. Tony Abbott will play George Pell, Christopher Pyne will make a brief appearance as Yorrick and Cory Bernardi will continue to feature in the role of Bill Heffernan.

  19. False. The Prime Minister has announced that medical insurance premiums will rise by 7%. The suggestion that Medibank Private will be privatised is clearly absurd.

  20. True. Diplomat Jacqueline Zwambila feels she cannot not return to Zimbabwe without persecution. She will be sent to an offshore detention centre in case other international diplomats are encouraged to avoid persecution. We need to break their business model.