Mr John Clarke

We had a gratifying response to our ‘At Least Malcolm Uses Verbs’ quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Carl Sruhe, of Carlsruhe. Well done Carl. A mighty effort. For the record, the answers were as follows:

  1. True. It’s tomorrow night. If the skies are clear, we should see the deficit move across the face of the moon at about 4am. If you go to you can see Mathias Cormann explain why it is not happening, why it’s not his fault and why he and Joe Hockey were smoking cigars.

  2. True. There has never been a better time to be an Australian, although there might have been a better time to be Mal Brough.

  3. True. If the employees at Clive Palmer’s nickel business had had the good sense to form an entirely useless political party, they’d have been paid unaccountably large amounts of money just before the business went broke.

  4. False. Buying or borrowing a stock on the assumption that its price will fall and repayment can be made at a lower price, is called Short Trading or Short Selling or simply Shorting. Shorting a bill with a stated face value may be less attractive due to the lower beta coefficient. Bill Shorten is therefore not advisable.

  5. False. Adani is not a judge on the X Factor. Adani is a coal company obsessed with protecting the environment and creating Australian jobs.

  6. True. The book is called ‘Go the F… to Sleep’ and it begins ‘Once upon a time there was a little boy who thought he was still Prime Minister….’

  7. False. The quote was taken from the final diary entry of Scott of the Antarctic. Scott of the Treasury is still out there somewhere.

  8. True. Santa received a great many letters last year and couldn’t possibly answer all of them. He made an exception in the case of two young Australians. ‘Dear Eric and Kevin’ Santa wrote, ‘Thank you for your letters. Please stop asking for the same thing each year. You got it the previous year and it didn’t work. Even Joe has worked this out. Love from Santa’.

  9. True. George Pell has a heart problem.

  10. True. Corey Bernardi has been put on earth in order to make it clear that there’s always someone less fortunate than yourself.

  11. False. The third umpire is often under a great deal of pressure and has pleaded this week with cricket-lovers to stop abusing him. ‘Dear Kevin and Eric’ the umpire has written. ‘I’m sorry you’re so upset but the video clearly shows Tony well out of his ground. He had also been bowled, had stepped on his own wicket and had attempted to punch the man at short leg. Please stop appealing. It’s not going to happen’.

  12. True. People who begin all their sentences with the word ‘So’ are being allowed into Australia in increasing numbers. The government denies this a crisis. ‘So these people literally have nowhere else to go’ said a spokesperson.

  13. The quest to find the least diplomatic person in Australia has been completed. The winner has won a position as Australia’s ambassador to the United States.

  14. False. The picture shows Tinker Bell. Julie Bishop is petite and she flies a lot but Tinker Bell was not present when Malcolm called Scott about how to fix the Tony problem.

  15. False. A Liberal Party spokesman has denied that Ian MacFarlane will be receiving the 4c per litre petrol discount or the set of steak-knives. ‘I’m afraid Mr Macfarlane does not qualify for our Loyalty Program’ the spokesman said.

  16. False. ‘Call me Ishmael’ is the first line of Moby Dick. It is not a tweet.

  17. False. People who claim to be ‘discussing some issues around that space’ are not taking over the country. They are entitled to express themselves as they wish (although if they ever get together with the people who begin their sentences with ‘So’, an emergency hooter will sound and the entire area will be cleared).

  18. True. Some of the yachts in the Sydney to Hobart Race this year were forced out of the event by wild weather. This was enormous news, having only previously happened in every other year.

  19. False. Australia won the ODI series. Hawthorn was not involved in any way and Jonathan Thurston did not drop a goal in the final seconds to clinch the title for Queensland.

  20. False. The Essendon Football Club had a very decisive board. A hover-board is a device for starting fires.