Mr John Clarke


Unless you are a taxi driver, you cannot be in control of a motor vehicle without a working knowledge of the road rules. Here they are:

  1. Place the key in the ignition and start the vehicle. Ease out into the traffic, using your indicators (check manual). Once the vehicle has attained a speed of 15km per hour, get on the phone.

  2. When changing lanes, be aware that the distance between vehicles in the lane you are moving into, must be a minimum of one centimeter (1 cm).

  3. When moving into a major road from a side-road, stop, check that the vehicle you’re going to pull out in front of is getting closer, then pull out in front of it.

  4. If traveling slowly, pull over into the right-hand lane to allow others to pass.

  5. If your vehicle is displaying an L sign (these are readily available from most novelty stores) you can change lanes at any time. It is the duty of other vehicles to get out of your way, either by braking or speeding up to avoid you or by leaving the road entirely and motoring in a less formal manner through the tundra.

  6. Your vehicle is fitted with a handy mirror so you see up your nostrils and check your skin for minor imperfections. Car manufacturers didn’t go bankrupt by not paying attention to detail. The best time to work on your face is when you are stopped at traffic lights or in a queue, or while driving along a relatively straight section of whoops who put this river here?

  7. Be aware at all times that the vehicle you are driving has a window. For your convenience this is placed directly in front of the driver. There are no other windows in the vehicle.

  8. Other vehicles have windows all over the place, front and back and on both sides. If they don’t see you coming, it’s their fault.

  9. Every vehicle is fitted with a large wheel on which to rest the forearms while texting. Some retail outlets sell covers for the large wheel. These soften the feeling while texting and thereby provide driver comfort. If you hear loud tooting while texting, complete your message carefully, push ‘send,’ set aside the texting unit and look out the front window. The road should now be clear ahead. Proceed.

  10. When parking the vehicle, try to make a pattern with the other vehicles parked in the area. If they are angle-parked, try to approximate that general idea in your own work. If they are parallel parked, try to make the angle less obvious. Cars are fitted with bumpers so you can feel roughly where you are during such manouvres as might be required.

  11. If you are still at the age of rutting rituals the main feature of your vehicle is the sound system. Crank it up and lie back in the seat when parked or when stopped at traffic lights. If the vehicle is not pulsing with the rhythm of the doof doof sound, consult your dealer. The vehicle is faulty and no chicks will have anything to do with you.

  12. If you are driving very slowly along a major city street, looking for a park, do not indicate that you are doing so. Other drivers must not find out that you are looking for a park as they might want one for themselves. Keep them behind you and if you are unable to find a park, stop and let your twelve friends out or accelerate back into the traffic or do a U-turn. Whatever.

  13. If you have not seen any other vehicles for some time, don’t know where you are, seem to be driving through a moonscape and wonder if you’ve just seen the tardis, you are possibly on some new tollway. Enjoy Adelaide.

  14. When backing, monitor your progress from time to time in the bathroom mirror. This will allow you to see the vehicle you have hit. Some drivers turn their heads around and actually look behind them while backing. These motorists are often in vehicles that are still roughly the same shape as when they were purchased.

  15. If you back into another vehicle, it will be because it wasn’t there when you last looked. People who sneak up on you like that or drive invisible cars, are a menace. Get out of your car, walk back very calmly, say ‘Where the hell did you come from?’ and hit the other driver repeatedly with your white stick.

  16. If driving a brand new car, the way to indicate you are turning right is to sound the horn and turn the windscreen wipers on very rapidly. If turning left, activate the hazard lights, pop the petrol cap open and squirt some water on the back window.

  17. Country driving. The most efficient way to ensure that Australia’s vital rural industries are working to maximum potential is to place a single bale of hay on the tray of your ute and emerge from a very small side-road on to a major highway at a glacial velocity, sticking close to the middle of the road and rolling a smoke. If you run out of things to do, turn to the passenger’s seat after a few minutes and have a word with the dog.

  18. Everyone else on the road is insane.