Mr John Clarke

We had a fantastic response to our recent quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was William Stown, of Williamstown. Good boy Bill. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Of the 1.5 million Syrian refugees who have fled their country because of civil war, Australia has decided to accept 500. (All stand)

2. There are three man-made structures visible from space; The Great Wall of China, The Palm Island archipelago in Dubai and the Australian Parliamentary Expense Account Register.

3. True. Buddy Franklin is huge news because he has gone to Sydney, where the news comes from.

4. False. The Governor General of Australia is Quentin Bryce. Quentin Crisp was a writer and entertainer.

5. False. Tony Abbott is not a marriage celebrant.

6. False. Nicola Roxon is not a marriage counsellor.

7. False. This was a trick question. The winner of the ballot was Anthony Albanese. Bill Shorten was elected.

8. True. Sophie Mirabella’s plan to get out of Indi by losing her seat and getting a plum government appointment somewhere else is going particularly well.

9. False. Tony Abbott insists that members of his cabinet must be appointed on merit, regardless of whether they are men or women*.

10. True. Treasurer Joe Hockey described the state of the Australian economy as ‘in crisis.’ Australia was facing ‘a financial emergency’ he said. Since the election it has emerged that ours is among the strongest economies in the world. Mr Hockey regrets any misunderstanding and apologises to anyone who was hurt in the incident.

11. False. George Brandis is not held down by strong metal cables. The reason he doesn’t float away is that he’s heavier than air.

12. False. Science is not illegal in Australia.

13. False. The reason so many polling companies got the election margin wrong, the swing wrong and the senate wrong is not that they are idiots. It is that the only people polled were those with fixed line telephone numbers. This excludes anyone under the age of 106.

14. True. There are nineteen token men in the federal cabinet.

15. False. Mr Napthine is the Premier but Victoria currently has a Shaw government.

16. True. In the Declaration of Interests for members of parliament, under shareholdings, directorships, real estate, trusts and investments, Malcolm Turnbull has written ‘See attachment’.

17. False. Tony Abbott took three hours to complete the Macquarie triathlon. Despite a limited buildup for the event, he tried really hard, honestly. The suggestion that his expenses are worked out by the hour is ridiculous.

18. True. If Peter Slipper thinks it’s unfair that he’s on trial for allegedly rorting expenses while both the Prime Minister and the Attorney General are claiming expenses for attending his wedding, then perhaps he should have thought of that before he got married.

19. True. Scott Morrison is a minister in the Australian government. His portfolio is a secret.

20. True. The recent fiscal crisis in the US was caused by part of the party which is not in government. An equivalent in Australia might be allowing a decision about whether Australia has a carbon tax to be decided by a Queensland coal billionaire and a motoring enthusiast from Gippsland.

*Plural of ‘woman.’

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We had a fantastic response to our Election Special Quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Trent Ham, of Trentham. Well done Trent. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Australia is a democracy. Some conditions apply. Please note the position of the exit nearest your seat.

2. False. The people cannot vote for the person they want as Prime Minister. They must vote for a candidate in their electorate. Party Leadership is a matter for the parties themselves. This is going well.

3. True. The best way to ensure the defeat of the party you least prefer is to vote for the other one. This is called ‘choice’.

4. False. Neither of the parties is led by the preferred prime minister. The preferred Prime Minister is Malcolm Turnbull. One of the reasons he is preferred is that he cannot become Prime Minister.

5. False. You cannot vote for Tony Abbott’s daughters or for Therese Rein, Jessica Rudd, Antony Green, Dami Im or Cyril Rioli. They are not candidates.

6. True. The first week of the campaign was between Kevin Bloke and Tony Knackers about who is fair dinkum. The second week was about the economy, which is run by Treasury. Since then it has been about remaining awake.

7. This was a trick question. In fact they are all true. Tony Abbott won a Rhodes Scholarship, Bill Shorten expects people to vote for him and there is a car called a Range Rover Evoque.

8. True. In one 24 hour period, Tony Abbott confirmed that no-one is the suppository of all knowledge, that a female candidate he supported had sex appeal and that allowing people to marry on the basis that they wanted to would be too radical a change to existing laws. These were the playful errors of a man abundantly qualified to run the country.

9. True. Kevin Rudd is The Labor Party. There are apparently some local members but Kevin is the founder of the party, owns the copyright and holds all the portfolios in the federal cabinet.

10. True. There were two days of the campaign on which Tony Abbott did not mention asylum seekers. He wasn’t well. Happily, he’s feeling much better now.

11. True. Climate change is effecting the global environment, except in Queensland and Western Sydney.

12. True. ALP strategists got rid of Kevin Rudd because the polls had collapsed and then got rid of Julia Gillard because the polls had collapsed. Their current problem is that the polls have collapsed.

13. True. Sophie Mirabella has been to her electorate on many occasions.

14. True. Both parties waited until the electorate was suffering from drivel-fatigue and then launched their campaigns.

15. False. Bob Katter was not in ‘Dirty Harry’ although his hat was nominated for an Emmy for its performance in ‘Gunsmoke’.

16. False. Tony Windsor is not a member of the royal family.

17. True. There is a new TV show called Eden-Monaro. It premiers on Sunday and will be heavily promoted after the polls close tonight. All TV election coverage will be peppered with presenters on all channels repeatedly saying ‘Let’s go to Eden-Monaro’, ‘I’d like to have a look at Eden-Monaro’ and ‘Can we get Eden-Monaro on this thing Antony?’

18. True. Other new TV shows also set to be shamelessly promoted throughout the election-night coverage include Robertson, Dobell and Lindsay (comedy/drama about three cops with only one bicycle, trying to bust a drug-ring), LaTrobe and Deakin (a spoof news panel show) and Greenway, Banks and Corangamite (reality show in which 15 dozen vol-au-vents must be prepared in a house containing only a toaster and a vacuum cleaner)

19. False. Clive Palmer does not actually face Queensland when he speaks.

20. True. Media coverage of this election has been uniformly excellent.

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Last weekend in a beautiful area just north of Brisbane, Marcus Craig died, aged 73. Marcus and I worked together in the mid 1970s at a club in Auckland called ‘The Ace of Clubs’, an allegedly sophisticated barn in Cook Street run by Phil Warren. In business terms the stage entertainment was part of a smoke and mirrors argument designed to help obtain a liquor license. As I was leaving one night after the show, a quite small and very drunk patron was engaging in racial abuse and attempting to punch the very large and extremely sober bouncer. The bouncer, who had clearly dealt with sophistication before, grabbed the front of the man’s shirt with one hand and turned it slightly so it became a handle and then he ran the surprised loudmouth about a foot and a half up the wall behind him so his feet were off the ground. ‘Listen mate’ he said softly to the man. ‘If you hit me. And I ever find out about it. I’m going to be fuckin annoyed. Now, go home’. And he left the man to crumple gently on to the ground and consider the position in its many aspects.
Marcus was the main entertainment at the club in those years. He appeared in drag as a character called Diamond Lil, often with the excellent Doug Aston as his partner and a house band led by Doug Smith. When I was there the marvellous Bridgette Allen was also on the bill. Bridgette could sing anything and could still the room to pin-drop or light it up like a Christmas tree. Doug Aston came from a British music hall tradition and often added form and structure to what Marcus was doing. What Marcus most wanted to do was sing opera, so he’d get the drag schtick working and then repay himself with an aria so unrelated to anything else in the show or to the way he looked, that the audience was delighted to find itself somewhere it had never been before.
Aside from being a terrific performer, Doug Aston was a caring and perceptive man who knew Marcus well and looked after him when he struck the occasional iceberg. For Marcus, the club and his work on-stage were life itself. He threw all his energy into it, his timing was fabulous, he was very generous on stage and he could really sing. Danny la Rue and many others specialised in glamorous costume changes and in Danny’s case in representing a cavalcade of great female stars. Marcus simply went out as Lil, with the burners on high and the safety catch off. His costume and demeanour were exaggerated to a point where you wondered whether he was impersonating a female or impersonating a female impersonator. Whatever he was doing, he was very good at it and the audience loved it. I don’t know when it all came to an end but some time during the 90s he moved to Sydney and after a period working at the Australian Opera Company, he moved to Queensland where he had a classical music show on Brisbane radio.
He remembered his days on stage with great fondness and with some pride. He was right to do so.
Shalom Marcus.

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We had a fantastic response to our recent quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Hazel Dene, of Hazeldene. Well done indeed Hazel. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. The screen-grab of bulls stampeding through Pamplona is picture b). The other two images feature an ALP leadership discussion and a State of Origin football match.

2. True. Napthine is a compound word made up of two words, ‘nap’ and ‘thine’. The name literally means ‘your sleep.’

3. True. At one stage Kevin Rudd couldn’t imagine circumstances in which he would challenge for the leadership of the Labor Party. Then his imagination improved.

4. False. J K Rowling was not the author of the Gonski Report. It was written by J K Gonski.

5. True. Julie Bishop was born on planet Earth.

6. True. This week’s rally in Australian equities was in response to figures emerging from a test being conducted in Nottingham. The Agar figure of 98 in particular, was well above market expectations.

7. True. The tunnel under Royal Park began losing money when it was proposed.

8. True. New Wallaby coach Ewen McKenzie is expected to get the inside backs and the outside backs together as a matter of urgency and introduce them to one another.

9. True. The award for negotiating a unique economic development deal with China and simultaneously reforming the health, education and welfare sectors in Australia with a majority of one and the people who really run the country united against her, went to an Altona woman.

10. False. The picture shows Larry, Curly and Moe bumping into each other. Bowie, Shorty and Albo are top-flight Australian politicians.

11. False. The Kennett Curse is related to the rivalry between the Geelong and Hawthorn football teams. The other spectacular failures are The Kennett Legacy.

12. False. The reason a prospectus hasn’t been issued and equity funds have not received an allocation is that NBN Co is not for sale yet. Keep your eye on Malcolm and wait for a signal.

13. True. It was disastrous having the $A going up and it’s disastrous now that it’s falling. If it were standing still that would also be disastrous. The whole thing is terrifying.

14. True. Andy Murray is from a part of England called Scotland.

15. False. The figure in the poster is the Marlboro man, an allegedly tough rugged individual, who was ultimately a victim of the product he was advertising. The man on the phone is Mal Brough, an Australian politician.

16. False. It is members of the Cistercian order who have taken a vow of silence. Members of the Abbottian order take a vow to say everything twice, very slowly.

17. True. Campbell Newman was awarded a 42% pay rise while he was away on holiday. When he returned was appalled to find he was earning $398,000 a year, about what Barack Obama gets. Similar jobs of course.

18. True. Recent voting patterns for the Australian Senate have been very significant, although just on a technical point, Green Edge is a cycling team.

19. False. The Drifters song is entitled ‘Under the Boardwalk.’ There’s no such thing as a Broadwalk.

20. False. IRS is the American inland revenue system. DRS is a system used for making decisions in cricket matches where there are no umpires.

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