Mr John Clarke

We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Bonnie Doon, of Bonnie Doon. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Each year in Melbourne on the final Saturday in September, there is a huge event known as Possibly the Grand Final. Two football teams meet at the MCG and play their hearts out for two hours. The following week they do it again until someone wins. This pattern has been broken only three times; once between 1902 and 1947, once between 1949 and 1976, and once between 1978 and 2009.

2. True. The atmosphere at a grand final is unbeloyable.

3. False. The AFL does not have a GDP greater than that of Belgium.

4. True. When it is completed, the desal plant will produce rain quality water using only a billion mega-nargs of electricity per day. Construction is behind schedule and somewhat over budget because of flooding due to almost continuous heavy rain. This could not have been predicted since it has never happened previously throughout the winter in the Kilcunda area.

5. True. The desal plant will cost Mr and Mrs T Payer $18billion. This is $16billion over budget. It will then be owned by someone else. This deal was negotiated by Mr and Mrs Payer’s carefully selected representative, Mr J Brumby, a 57 year old male Caucasian, of Melbourne

6. False. The plant cannot be converted into a luxury facility for changing the names of women called Sally. This can already be done by Deed Poll and would in any event, not be a cost-effective use of governmental hubris.

7. Steve Fielding. A nation mourns.

8. False. The answer is not to call the show ‘Australia’s Two Next Top Models’. The answer is to get the result organized before announcing it.

9. False. Oprah Winfrey does not receive more government funding than Opera Australia.

10. The Grand Prix. The DJs claim was only $37m. And only once.

11. False. At no stage did Mary MacKillop play a few games in the back pocket for Collingwood.

12. It sounds like a fan-belt problem although check the radio. It could be that Christopher Pyne is being interviewed.

13. Max Markson. Excema is a skin condition.

14. False. The purpose of the Commonwealth Games was to highlight the sport, not the seating.

15. True. Valium is a benzodiazepine. (‘The Bill’ is a television programme).

16. False. Andrew Robb’s challenge for the deputy leadership was not a scratching. It was withdrawn at the barrier on the vet’s advice, due to bleeding in the off foreleg.

17. Correct. Channel 7 regularly purchases the right to broadcast live international rugby union. Nobody knows why.

18. False. The 2010 Australian Swimming Championships were not held in Delhi.

19. The mine was in Chile. It doesn’t matter where Chile is and it is not known whether it was a coal mine, a tin mine, a gold mine or a diamond mine. It was a mine for goodness sake and we had pictures of it.

20. True. Jeff Kennett claims he was shot at. Four and a half million people are believed to be assisting police with their enquiries.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Phillip Island, of Phillip Island. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. Wilson Tuckey. A nation mourns.

2. George Pell, Laurie Oakes and a crocodile. Andrew Wilkie, Rob Oakeshott and Adam Bandt were not given much television time. They were candidates.

3. The picture shows Mark Latham. A Catherine Wheel is a firework which rotates at high speed, giving off lovely colours and sparks.

4. True. Antony Green drives to work without the use of graphics.

5. False. The photo does not show the Myer Music Bowl. It is Bob Katter holding a tray.

6. The photos shows (L to r) Bill Shorten, Mark Arbib, Golden Staph, David Feeney, Herpes Simplex, Don Farrell, Karl Bitar and the H1N1 virus.

7. True. The ABC has an exciting new series of promos. They feature people throwing themselves sideways; a metaphor for the meaninglessness of the human condition.

8. The Ring Cycle by Wagner. It is an epic opera made up of four parts; Das Rheingold, Die Walkure, Siegfried and Gotterdmmerung. When performed in full it takes 15 hours, a fortnight less than an Australian election.

9. False. At no stage of the federal election did the Widow Twankey come on stage saying ‘Now, where did I put my ETS?’ and all the children yell out ‘It’s behind you!’

10. The NSW state government. As is. Where is. No roadworthy. Some rust.

11. Kevin Rudd. While you were out Acme Plumbing called. Will have a quote for you by Thursday.

12. Bill Heffernan. The others are the Cape Barren, the Canada, and the Grey.

13. Incorrect. A witness protection programme sequesters persons in society, provides them with safety, cover and an income. The ALP Brains Trust is a highly respected body, doing vitally important work. There are no parallels of any kind.

14. False. Climate change deniers are not a type of stocking.

15. False. Rail Debacle is not the name of the company.

16. True. John Howard encouraged people to invest in Telstra stock. It would be a great investment for mums and dads, he said, and the sale would benefit all Australians. Mr Howard was the Prime Minister.

17. False. Dick Smith does not determine ABC broadcasting policy.

18. False. John Elliott is not the host of Q and A. He is there to provide balance. If they have someone on the panel with professional expertise or a rational mind, they call John immediately.

19. Docklands Stadium. Sick of mowing the lawn? Yearn for concrete? Hate design? This is a dream come true. Huge empty mausoleum, cls shps, trans. Room for pool.

20. One Day Cricket. Result just in. Day night match at Lords. England 228 d Pakistan 179. Match due to start September 20th.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Violet Town, of Violet Town. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Penny Wong agrees with the ALP’s policy position against Penny Wongs.

2. True. John Howard was surprised that the African and Asian countries didn’t want him as Vice President of the International Cricket Council.

3. False. The ABC is a non-commercial network. The man who is still in awe of the sea, the conductor of coloured bubbles and the woman who pretends to be a novelist are not commercials. A commercial has a purpose.

4. False. It is not The Dill Solution. It is called The Dili Solution. It is essentially the Pacific Solution but with auto focus, image stabilization and a better zoom.

5. False. The World Giant Slalom Title has never been held at Etihad Stadium. The event on July 23rd was a football match.

6. The Tour de France. It is a cycling race over 3,600 kilometres through towns and cities which have in common that Justin Madden was not their Planning Minister.

7. Ben Cousins. He described lying comatose for a day and a half in intensive care as a wake-up call.

8. False. The 26 homeowners and 84 businesses to whom Premier John Brumby apologized for failing to mention that their properties will be bulldozed for a regional rail link were not in Toorak.

9. Kevin Andrews. A petard is small bomb.

10. For Sale. Rugby League. Re-stump, rewire and restore or demolish and redevelop as units. STCA. Entire sporting code. Must go. Suit handyman.

11. False. Paying off part of a mortgage before full term is called principal reduction. Bill Shorten is a politician.

12. Docklands. Now that it has been there for ten years, some thought is to be given to its appearance, design and utility. It has even been suggested the whole area be converted into a human community.

13. Mother Teresa of Calcutta. All the others are from the NSW Right.

14. The photo shows Tony Abbott, trouser icon and leader of the federal opposition. Isn’t he gorgeous?

15. True. The Australian media made it abundantly clear that Kevin Rudd’s downfall was inevitable. For reasons of space, their very lucid explanations were held over until after the event.

16. True. Victorians speak a form of English. Doggies Fly, Danii Ethan Drama, Fev Brownlow Shocker and Logie Tweets are all key phrases and should be committed to memory. European Economy, Environmental Crisis, Rational Discourse and History of Ideas mean nothing. Concentrate on the important stuff.

17. Clean coal, friendly fire, arts funding and customer services. The unicorn might turn up.

18. False. Melbourne rail commuters emerging from a tunnel on foot does not mean the transport system doesn’t work. It means we lead the world in tunnel walking.

19. False. The purpose of the AFL is not to give young people access to drugs in a supervised environment. It is to govern and manage the popular sport of Australian football.

20. ‘Midsomer Murders’. It is a British TV series. Inspector Tom Barnaby arrives in a village to investigate the apparent suicide of a man who is found hanging from a windmill during a Michaelmas celebration. While Tom is investigating what he suspects is actually a murder, nine other murders are committed and a barn catches fire. Eventually even Tom works out that the only person left in the village is the murderer. His assistant, who is even stupider, is amazed.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Lance Field of Lancefield. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. Punt Road. The other photo shows the Franz Joseph Glacier, where some actual movement has been detected by scientists over the past 600 years.

2. Gordon Brown. Forest Gump is a movie.

3. The James Hirds, the Michael Tucks and the Bruce Doulls. The Owen Stanleys are a mountain range in Papua New Guinea.

4. False. Access to the My School website will not be restricted when the global internet filter shield of kryptonite is introduced. It will be one of only twelve sites still available.

5. British Airways' quarterly report will be delivered later today. In the event of an emergency an oxygen mask will drop from the compartment above your seat. Please fix the mask to your face and breathe normally.

6. False. The famous message ‘Peccavi’ was not sent by the Pope. It was sent by Lord Napier and under completely different circumstances.

7. Also false. There is no such novel as ‘Fev of The D'Urbervilles’.

8. Kevin Rudd. Following a number of unfortunate accidents installing the ETS, the scheme has now been dropped altogether.

9. Mr Justice Media. In sentencing Ms Nixon he said an example needed to be set. ‘Having dinner is one of the most serious crimes imaginable. To have a hairdo as well is beyond belief. You will be taken from here to another place, where you will be flayed with bad photographs and big print.’

10. Jeff Kennett. Following his term in office there was a complete change under Jeff Bracks, Jeff Brumby and Jeff Madden.

11. Greg Dear used to play for Hawthorn, Gary Honey used to be a long jumper. Murray Darling used to be a river system.

12. Mt Eyjafjallajökull. Mick Malthouse was just having a few words with the boys.

13. False. Malcolm Turnbull did not retire. He was shifting his car.

14. False. The Eagles have plenty of talented players and began the season playing quite well. They just couldn’t string it all together. Westphalia is a state in what is now modern Germany.

15. False. OPI does not stand for ‘Whatever.’ It stands for ‘Office of Police Integrity’. Those boys at the back, stop giggling

16. Jumps racing. The EU is an arrangement whereby the European economies are linked. There have been casualties, certainly, and the recent incident in which ‘Zorba’s Unwell’, ‘Lisbon Calling’, ‘Erin Go Broke’, ‘Goodnight Iceland’ and ‘Shortly Madrid’ were euthanased behind a screen in the back straight, may have given the public the wrong impression. It’s perfectly safe and the punters love it.

17. The Windsor Hotel. The Buddhist temples were destroyed by the Taliban.

18. True. On the figures currently available it is safer to sail solo around the world for 6 months than to read a newspaper for 25 minutes while under constant surveillance in a maximum security prison.

19. Melbourne Storm. They were paying their players too much money. This was a disgraceful and unique breach of the rules and could not happen in business.

20. False. Getting a park anywhere near Etihad is not the greatest moral challenge of our time. It is number 3, nudged out by property prices and fashion week. (Global warming has slipped to number 8 and is in danger of falling out of the top ten).

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