Mr John Clarke

We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Heath Cotejunction, of Heathcote Junction. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. False. Andrew Wilkie’s Anti-Gambling Law is not at 15/2 to get through the lower house and then 4/1 to be the subject of a discussion between Nick Xeonophon and the Greens. (Check Sportsbet)

2. True. The NSW ALP seats that best withstood the stampede were held by women. Therefore the blokes who caused the party’s defeat should be appointed to higher positions. (Carried)

3. True. A headline containing a question mark or the words ‘FEARS,’ ‘HOPES’ or ‘SHOCK’ is not normally an indication of finely crafted actual news.

4. True. The draft advertisement reads ‘For Sale. Ex Govt building. Top flight facility, 500bdrms, cls shps, pub trans, excellent roof (holds up to 10 people, all jumping), top qual fencing. Some fire damage. Suit handyman. Poss conference centre or similar (STCA). Villawood area’.

5. True. A trading halt is rumoured for Jumps Racing (JRG). Downward pressure from recent deaths, OH&S problems and concerns about product quality. Better value elsewhere. Strong Sell.

6. House Prices. The other graphic shows images from the Challenger programme, which has now been discontinued.

7. True. The Australian media are doing what they can to address the global shortage of photographs of Ricky Nixon getting into a car.

8. We have a lost boy here at the information desk. His name is Ted. He says he is the Premier. Would somebody care to claim him please?

9. True. Britain’s biggest industries are military weapons, tourism and exclusive articles about Kate.

10. False. Tutankhamun did not play for Hawthorn, although the colours are similar.

11. True. Mark Latham’s views on contemporary politics are of the utmost importance.

12. False. There is no opera entitled ‘Tooting Carmen’ about a motorized gypsy woman who warns soldiers before seducing them.

13. True. The way to ascertain which drains are blocked is to do nothing. If this important procedure is followed it will be obvious, once the streets are flooded, which drains need to be cleaned out.

14. True. Pauline Hanson failed in her bid to get elected to the NSW Parliament. A nation mourns.

15. False. The man whose unsuccessful attempts to shoot Bugs Bunny formed an important narrative in popular American literature was Elmer Fudd. He is a cartoon character and, by definition, has never appeared on Q&A carrying a shotgun. The Australian Foreign Minister is Kevin Rudd.

16. True. If we wait long enough, Australia will be able to import clean energy from China.

17. False. The item around which much of the action revolves in the graveyard scene in Hamlet, is the skull of Yorrick. The Federal Budget hadn’t been developed at the time.

18. Julia Gillard. Ahead of her as preferred Prime Minister were Tony Abbott, Kevin Rudd, Billy McMahon, Artie Fadden and the Horrie Dargie Trio.

19. True. The reason the Grand Prix loses tens of millions is that Bernie Ecclestone is paid such a lot to secure the rights. The decision to pay Ecclestone is nevertheless correct as the race brings tourists to Victoria. Bernie Ecclestone for example.

20. True. On April 22nd, St Kilda won a football match.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Clyde North, of Clyde North. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Scott Morrison apologised for the timing of his remarks. He very sensibly realised that the timing of his remarks was offensive and that he might have been wiser to make the remarks at another time. Never, perhaps.

2. True. Both the Leader and the Deputy Leader of the Federal Opposition are through to the quarter-finals of the World Staring championships. If things continue to go well, they will meet in the final.

3. True. It is very important what Mr Kennett thinks of the national anthem. Say what you like about Jeff, he made the songs run on time.

4. True. The decision to allow cattle to graze in national parks in the Victorian high country has been made on the basis that it is ‘a trial.’ If the cattle compact the land, trash the native vegetation and defecate in the water, they will be allowed to stay.

5. False. Peter Ryan is not the Premier. Ted Baillieu is the Premier. Peter just helps.

6. True. Kevin Rudd and Therese Rein have bought a house. In Australia a great many people live in houses. Please try to remain awake.

7. Correct. The Allan Border Medal night is an occasion for women in expensive frocks, and their escorts, who are drawn from all walks of life.

8. True. The AFL is completely different from Rugby League, which is plagued by drug issues and sex scandals.

9. False. Hosni Mubarak has not been approached by Richmond. He is at the latter end of his career and is thought to be battling weight and salary-cap issues.

10. Electricity prices. Say what you like about Jeff, he made the songs run on time.

11. True. Large sections of the Australian media were devastated when the recent floods failed to actually catch fire and explode as Cyclone Yasi ‘slammed into’ the Australian coastline several hours' drive from where reporters were modelling raincoats. Fortunately no one had cleaned the drains in Melbourne since 1979, so at least there were road closures locally, and traffic problems and attractive random fountains.

12. The photo shows a football team on its annual holiday trip. The other images are the running of the bulls at Pamplona and a cross section of the human brain.

13. True. The NSW state election will be on March 26. Anyone who would like to win it should get up there by the 15th. The loser has already been determined.

14. False. Harry Lime was not a cricketer. He is a central character in The Third Man, by Grahame Greene.

15. Sir William Wallace was a Scottish nationalist. Sir William Orpen was an Irish painter. There was no such person as Sir William Shorten.

16. Tony Abbott. The video shows him confirming that he has the party’s full support. That’s Malcolm Turnbull in the background, limbering up, doing a few leg stretches and that Merv Hughes thing with his shoulders.

17. True. Gerard Henderson stresses, when expressing his views on climate science, that he is not a climate scientist. There is, one often feels, too little of this sort of courtesy left in the modern world.

18. False. Barnaby Joyce did not require a sea-worthiness certificate for his Landcruiser. When he experienced problems with the keel, he headed her up into the wind, got out and walked to the nearest farmhouse.

19. True. The most commonly used words in Australia during the first two months of 2011 were ‘inundation’ and ‘redaction’. Inundation is a feature of La Nina and redaction is putting your pants back on.

20. True. The news that major book retailers had collapsed was a trending subject on twitter.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Ivan Hoeeast, of Ivanhoe East. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Julia Gillard is announcing tax offsets that compensate for the impost that goes to pay the carbon price that satisfies the ETS that lives in the house that Jack built.

2. False. The royal visitor was not called Prince RM Williams.

3. True. The Baillieu government will get around to doing things at some point. For heavens sake. They’ve only been in office since December.

4. False. There is no suggestion that the indigenous communities of Queensland and the Northern Territory intend to intervene in the running of the Liberal Party.

5. True. The name of the person who voted Labor in the NSW election will be known once the final figures are in.

6. False. Robert Doyle is not confused. He is deeply committed to a number of mutually exclusive positions on a wide of issues, reflecting Melbourne’s diversity.

7. False. The Federal Government will not be meeting with Mitre 10 in order to outline the carbon price and then see if they can beat it by 10%.

8. True. The state government has asked Melbourne University to lend authority to the important ‘trial’ to determine whether the destruction of alpine parkland by cattle reduces the risk of fire. If the University accepts the proposal, this research will be conducted by the School of Accounts Receivable.

9. Barrier Draw is a system of arranging starting positions in a sporting event, Barrier Cream is a facial preparation. Barrier Farrell is the odd one out. He is the NSW Premier.

10. False. Bob Brown does not tell the government what to do, from the magic faraway tree, using pixies.

11. True. Prince Andrew will be having a run in the reserves for a couple of weeks until the knee clears up.

12. False. Bookings for the Baillieu government’s new hotel development at Wilson’s Prom cannot be made by calling VCAT.

13. The remark was made by b) Wayne Swan. John Maynard Keynes was an economist and Ben Franklin was a nation builder and statesman.

14. True. Gun control in the middle east is somewhat behind schedule.

15. False. Q and A was not set up to provide Malcolm Turnbull with a venue for marketing federal government policy. He is opposed to government policy. He just expresses it better then they do. The views of his own party can be found on its website.

16. True. President Obama announced a program to deliver high-speed wireless broadband to 98% of America at a cost of $24 billion. Silly man. They could have had a desal plant in Kilcunda for that money.

17. True. It is now compulsory for every dish produced in any restaurant in Melbourne to contain chorizo.

18. True. ‘Nude St Kilda Schoolgirl Footie Sex Romp Nixon Drug Rehab Shock’ was not the story. It was the headline. The story was shorter.

19. False. A popularity poll is not an electoral ballot. On the basis of popularity polls, the federal government front bench would currently consist of James Hird, Black Caviar and the new iPhone.

20. Christmas Island is a natural wonderland with nesting turtles, red crab migrations, rich bird and marine life, riots and the slowest visa processing in the world.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Glen Waverley, of Glen Waverley. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. Correct. The pictures depict the French army at Waterloo, the German navy at Scapa Flow and the Australian Test Cricket side doing an advert for a phone company.

2. True. The European Tennis Championships are held at the Tennis Centre in Melbourne at this time every year. They last a fortnight and Australians are permitted entry in order to encourage media interest.

3. Oprah Winfrey. It was a great coup to bring her to Australia because she will attract many non-travelling Americans with no disposable income to holiday here.

4. False. Alastair Cook does not broadcast ‘Letter from America’. That was Alastair Cooke (note the E). Alastair Cook is a batsman in the English cricket team. His current test average is a million.

5. False. Justin Madden has not been re-zoned. He is simply working in a different job.

6. False. Kerry O'Keefe has not retired. The presenter of the 7.30 Report was Kerry O'Brien.

7. John Brumby. In conceding defeat he thanked all Victorians, saying it was a great honour to be Premier. This announcement was a day late and further delays are expected to continue on this line due to maintenance issues.

8. True. After being elected premier, Ted Baillieu was so excited he swam for four days.

9. True. Shane Warne’s comeback at an international level began in a day/night fixture in London in mid-December and seemed to be going well until he double-booked himself and was dropped for the rest of the series. Nevertheless still looks very sharp in the nets and could surprise.

10. Correct. Myki is a highly sophisticated computerized system. If you put enough money into it, the government changes.

11. False. Brad Haddin left the field to go to the toilet. Wikileaks is a slightly different concept.

12. False. There is no law saying that if the government doesn’t want to build a rail link between the city and the airport, they have to leave us the truck and the keys to the shed so we can do it in the weekend.

13. Correct. The English won the Ashes by a total of three innings and 44 runs.

14. False. Not all illegal drug operations are conducted using Australian naval vessels. Some importing is done by air.

15. False. The baggy green is not a bowler hat. Or a batting hat, it transpires

16. Gerry Harvey, come and see me afterwards. You were asked to write about competition in business. Your essay about your dream job is fictional, does not fulfill the requirements and is not very good.

17. Anna Bligh. Winston Churchill was English.

18. Looters are bad; the lowest of the low. Property developers and planning officials who have filled low-lying floodplains with thousands of uninsurable dwellings, are businessmen.

19. True. Tony Abbott was away. His condition was described as satisfactory.

20. False. Tropical storms across Australia in January and record flooding over an area the size of France and Belgium are not an indication of global warming. I’ve had enough of this. I don’t have to stand here and listen to this tripe. Clear off the lot of you.

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