Mr John Clarke

1. True. Fosters has been sold overseas. This is not an attempt to encourage Australians to drink less. It is top-flight business management at work.

2. False. There is not a Greek economist named D Fault. You have misread the question.

3. True. The standard AFL eye-test reads
   A D E M E T
   R I O U O M
   I T H W H O
   O P S I B U
   G G E R E D
   T H A T U P

4. Docklands. The Gobi Desert is in China.

5. True. The government changed its mind on the planned development at Ventnor. This was not because of community opposition or tweets from Miley Cyrus. It was because after announcing the decision, the minister recognized that it was stupid. Again, a hallmark of top-flight management.

6. True. The Planning Minister (whose name is Mr Guy incidentally, not Mr Bloke) has completed his primary schooling. If there had been room to show the full photo, it would have been clear that he’s wearing long pants.

7. True. The infrastructure at Ventnor is magnificent. The white line down the middle of the infrastructure will be completed once the infrastructure is paved.

8. True. Poor planning decisions and strange secret approval processes helped the Brumby government decorate its own petard and install industrial strength hydraulic self-hoisting equipment.

9. True. The ALP Asylum Seeker policy and the Coalition Asylum Seeker policy are both at odds with the High Court decision, both at odds with public opinion and both supported by sections of the media. This greatly assists in the elimination of any doubt on the matter.

10. The Singapore Stock Exchange was refused permission to buy the ASX. Australians do not want their guesswork being processed off-shore.

11. The pictures show (1) famous international statesman Tony Blair and (2) a smurf, a small plastic clown.

12. False. The action hero was Indiana Jones. Alan Jones is a Sydney broadcaster and part-time motivational transport hostage consultant.

13. True. It is now possible to pay the Australian Taxation Office with a credit card. Please don’t panic. Personal debt in this country is not a problem. In the event of an emergency an oxygen mask will drop from the panel above your seat.

14. True. Energy and gas used to be owned by the government. This was inefficient and in order to create competition and lower prices, the industry was privatized. Energy and gas prices have now tripled. (This can’t be right. Please check this.)

15. The result of the government’s very exacting scientific experiment involving cattle in the Victorian high country is as follows: Yes, all the whales killed by Japanese whalers proved to be dead, so we sold them to people who ate them.

16. Apologies: There was a problem with the previous answer. The correct answer is: Yes, all the cattle destroyed vegetation and shat in the water. This was roughly in line with scientific projections.

17. True. Samantha Stosur was promoted to the position of ‘Slammin’ Sam' because she won a Grand Slam tournament. News editors may have felt this was not sufficiently obvious from the story, which was that Samantha Stoser had won a Grand Slam tournament.

18. You were asked for the next number in this sequence: 100billion, 1000billion, 10000billion. The answer of course, was Italy.

19. Einstein. His Special Theory of Relativity has been questioned following the discovery of neutrinos which apparently travel faster than light. Craig Lowndes and Mark Skaife filled the minor placings and still head the overall standings.

20. False. Mr Demetriou is not related to Mr Loaf. Mr Loaf was hired because he is such an excellent singer.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Sandy Point, of Sandy Point. Excellent work Sandy. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Hugh Hefner’s sex life is a key narrative in high-end Australian media.

2. False. James Murdoch is not available for functions.

3. False. Bernie Ecclestone doesn’t own the Victorian government. He doesn’t need to.

4. True. The federal government has some work to do in the mountains. There is no time-trial stage in the carbon debate.

5. True. Despite their differences on economic policy, social policy, international policy and the future of the planet, Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott are at one on the big threat facing Australia. They’re both boldly opposed to gay marriage.

6. The photos show Clint Eastwood and Charles Bronson. Wayne Swan doesn’t wear a poncho or a hat pulled down over his eyes. Nor does he sort things out quite so effectively.

7. False. Andy Coulson has not been cleared to play for the Brisbane Lions.

8. True. The world still somehow has news despite the fact that The News of The World is no longer published.

9. True. Cadel Evans has announced he will defend his Tour de France title although this does not constitute recycling within the meaning of the legislation.

10. Christine Nixon. Her assertion that the media hounded her out of office because she is a woman is understandably offensive to the media, since they hounded her successor Simon Overland out of office too and he is a man.

11. James Magnussen. He is called The Missile because he follows The Thorpedo and swimming commentators are not yet tested for steroids.

12. The Head of FIFA has been returned to office in a genuinely democratic, completely open and independently supervised ballot due to be held next April.

13. The US economy. Either it is the most successful in the world or it is 4 trillion in debt. You were asked to tick only one box. It is no use trying to borrow more boxes. There aren’t any more boxes.

14. False. 37.11.233 is not a secret code or a mysterious theorum. It is a nice afternoon out in the Geelong area.

15. False. The habit developed in the media of labelling a story Something-gate in order to indicate its level of intrigue and importance (‘Carbongate’, for example) is not known as Drivelgate.

16. Incorrect. Robert Doyle is not the coach of Melbourne. He is the Lord Mayor.

17. The Australian dollar. For the next four nights it can be seen, with a powerful telescope, high in the eastern sky, between Sirius and Uranus.

18. False, the Big Bash League has nothing to do with football. It is a cricket competition and promises to be most exciting. Anyone who’d like a game, call Andrew Hilditch by Thursday.

19. Dean Bailey. Mike Rann was removed by covert activity within his own leadership group.

20. Wivenhoe Dam. It is built above the residential areas it is designed to supply with gravity-fed water services. This works well so long as it doesn’t fill with water.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Thomas Town, of Thomastown. Excellent work Thomas. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. The picture shows Marius Kloppers, the CEO of BHP, pointing out that wages are too high, while simultaneously announcing the biggest profit in Australian corporate history. The men standing next to him are Lewis Carroll and George Orwell.

2. Incorrect. ‘The Block’ was not a show about Chris Bowen trying to renovate The High Court of Australia and sell it at auction.

3. False. It was not Lord Malthouse who spoke against Climate Change. It was Lord Monckton. Lord Malthouse is not a Lord. Neither is Lord Monckton.

4. False. Ricky Nixon has never been the President of the United States.

5. False. Qantas is not a foreign airline. Its name stands for ‘Queensland and Northern Territory Air Services’. There is no airline whose name stands for ‘Queues And Not Terribly Adequate Service’.

6. The image shows the NSW/ACT border. It was here that hundreds of trucks were recently stopped by police and many thousands of people were thereby prevented from exercising their democratic right to inform Alan Jones that they didn’t exist.

7. False. Alan Jones is not the Speaker of the House. He just happened to be in the area.

8. True. The US government is believed to be in talks with Apple about the possibility of becoming an App.

9. False. The picture shows Kevin Rudd in shorts. Jack Vidgen is a singer.

10. False. Ted Baillieu did not win the Tour de France (Ted has a job that keeps him in Victoria). It was the man standing next to Ted in the photo; the one waving. (No hang on, they’re both waving). The one in yellow. (No wait a minute, they’re both in yellow) The one who looks slightly embarrassed. Cadel, yes. He’s the one who actually won the international sports event.

11. Correct. It was Channel Ten which broadcast Master (insert series of advertisements here and perhaps some other programmes and anything else you like) chef.

12. False. The London riots established not only that most people prefer to get their shoes from Foot Locker. They have also established that sentencing is still a useful way for English judges to let off steam.

13. False. The figure given was not the distance between The Earth and Jupiter. It was an AFL score in which one of the top four sides was having a canter over one of the less well-heeled outfits.

14. False. ‘The Malaysian Solution’ is not a Stephen King novel. It is an actual policy of the Australian government in 2011.

15. False. ‘O tempora O mores’ does not refer to the popularity of deep-fried Japanese food. It is a rhetorical remark made by the late Cicero: ‘Oh what times, Oh what customs.’

16. False. Al Jazeera is not a saxophonist. He is an international news service.

17. Incorrect. A radio announcement stating ‘That was Beethoven’s fifth’ is not an indication that Beethoven had previously kicked four goals. This would be absurd. Beethoven was a fullback.

18. False. Archimedes was not an Australian. He was Greek. And when he discovered that bodies displace their own weight in water, it was ‘Eureka!’ he shouted, not ‘Euripper!’

19. True. The following headlines were also available: c Hurley b Warne. Warnie Bowls a Maiden Over, Warniegate, Nice Body, Shane About The Face.

20. False. Tony Abbott has denied that he said he would do anything except sell his arse to get into power. There is no list available of the other things he would not sell his arse for. The clear impression given was that Mr Abbott’s arse is not for sale under any circumstances, assuming that a buyer could be found.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Don Castereast of Doncaster East. Fine work Don. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. Victoria has a government. There are buildings, offices, letterhead and everything.

2. False. The police answering machine does not say ‘Mr Overland is no longer with the firm. To leave a message for Mr Ryan please press 1’.

3. A catherine wheel is a firework which, when lit, rotates at high speed, giving off sparks and flames of many colours. Andy Murray is a Scottish tennis player.

4. False. The Liberal Party doesn’t have factions. It has competing gangs of high-minded individuals.

5. False. The Greek economy is not for sale. The receivers, Eurobail, are confident they can trade their way out of any difficulties provided the concept of a taxation system can be explained to the freedom-loving peoples of the area.

6. True. The anniversary of Kevin Rudd’s replacement by Julia Gillard as Prime Minister was huge last week because a year ago the media helped precipitate the crisis and were in Canberra when it happened, explaining its importance.

7. False. There is no programme on Australian television in which people cook and lose weight while renovating units for famous people to dance in. Perhaps if all the children join hands….

8. False. Bernard Tomic is not available on the approved pharmaceuticals list.

9. True. Senator David Bushby was practicing his cat impression during Senate Estimates Hearings. (He is 45)

10. Etihad Stadium. The sun sometimes shines in the Antarctic and there are penguins leaping brilliantly out of the water on to icebergs.

11. The pictures show (a) Malcolm Turnbull and (b) an aircraft in a holding pattern. There is no connection between them.

12. True. NBN is a system for filling the area underneath Australia with blue wire. This is going well.

13. The photo shows, left to right; Paul Howes.

14. False. ‘Peter Reith and the four vice-presidents’ is not a band. They were just part of the chorus for the hit musical ‘Stockdale’.

15. True. Andrew Demetriou’s salary was grounded for several days due to an ash cloud.

16. Kim Duthie is a young woman who keeps changing her story and attracting media attention in increasingly implausible ways. Tony Abbott is the Leader of the Opposition.

17. False. The ALP was formed in 1891 and exists only in Australia. There are not ‘numerous of them in Switzerland’. The Swiss Alps are a different concept altogether and seem to be working well.

18. True. $81,000 for printer toner cartridges is about normal.

19. True. Collingwood have played interstate games. Several of them. There was one in 1927, another in the late 1960s and there’s one penciled in for 2015, at Etihad.

20. The photo shows Julia Gillard’s media advisors. The crèche is somewhere in the Canberra area.

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