Mr John Clarke

We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Frank Stonnorth of Frankston North. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. Malcolm Turnbull. Everyone else in Australia should resign. Their behaviour is a disgrace. They should be ashamed of themselves. Their performance has been abysmal. They have let themselves down. They have let the country down. Worse still they have let themselves down.

2. John Elliott. The picture on the right features the opening of the Channel Tunnel.

3. False. Marjorie Jackson was never a member of The Jackson Five. She was an Olympic champion sprinter who later became Governor of South Australia.

4. False. ‘Open Slather’ is not the Victorian government’s plan for development. We would have accepted ‘Sustainable Slather,’ ‘Eco-slather’ or ‘First Homebuyer Slather.’

5. True. In order to receive planning permission in Victoria it is necessary to put in an application. Ideally beforehand.

6. False. The umpires are not members of the English cricket side and they are certainly not paid for sex. They are nice old chaps and their job is to hold people’s pullovers and have a wild guess about what just happened.

7. False. Swine Flu is not one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It is a flu virus. The Four Horsemen are Pestilence, War, Famine and Death. If one of them is unavailable, off the reserves bench will come the fifth Horseman, Media.

8. False. The Titanic was a ship. It was insured and the owners received money following the tragedy. Timbercorp was an Australian listed company and the executives received money before the tragedy.

9. True. The Miles Franklin Award is a prize for a work of fiction. It has never been won by a federal budget, a political memoir or a giraffe.

10. True. The average person has 12,684 passwords. One for the bank, one on each card, membership or affiliation, one with two letters and eight numbers, one with six numbers and two lower case punctuation marks, one for each computer, type of software, server, account, company, lock, mobile, department, utility, supplier, door, appliance or tin of baked beans. They are all in an email somewhere, which seems to have been wiped.

11. True. Roger Federer has won more Grand Slam tennis titles than anyone else in history. The correct order is Federer with 15, Pete Sampras 14, Margaret Court 62, Martina Navratilova 59, Billie Jean King 37, Roy Emerson 28 and Steffi Graf 23.

12. Incorrect. The world’s biggest problem is not the Geelong Football Club. The term ‘GFC’ refers to the global financial crisis, which is not the world’s biggest problem either.

13. False. ‘Sit,’ ‘Beg,’ ‘Stay,’ and ‘Roll over’ are canine commands. The contractual arrangement between the government and the casino is completely different and miles more complicated.

14. Barry Hall. He was cautioned in the third round for playing football.

15. White male, 50ish, Higgins area, some public speaking experience, seeks work, anything considered, has own transport.

16. False. Godwin Grech is not a Dickens character. He is a real person in a real job. He also has a part-time position in the Australian Treasury.

17. The Stawell Gift. The Ballarat Town Hall, the Ballarat Post Office and the Mayor of Ballarat are all in Ballarat.

18. False. Ute-gate is not an agrarian portal through which a certain class of vehicle must pass. It was a scandal in which the resignations of the Prime Minister and Treasurer were demanded on the basis of a forged email indicating that a car dealer who received no government money was unreasonably advantaged. Would Mr Gilbert please call Mr Sullivan.

19. Tony Abbott and Joe Hockey. The Broadcasting Act provides that they must be on television (rostered on alternate days) unless there is some actual news.

20. False. A waffle iron is a cooking appliance used to give a shape to a batter or dough-based cake. If Kevin Rudd turns up to give an address and finds his notes are all crumpled, he flattens them with his hands and just does the best he can.

21. Correct. The Victorian Government ultimatum to Grand Prix organisers read ‘Be warned. If the most expensive cars don’t come to Melbourne, we refuse to lose $50 million’.

22. False. A cartel emerges when oligopolists agree to control supply and arrange prices. Australia’s four major banks are in fierce competition. Just not with each other.

23. True. The Desal Plant will be run by a private company. There was some smart money this week for Ferrari but don’t rule out Pokies Akimbo or a company registered in the Brimbank area.

24. False. It is still very much a ‘bear’ market. The bull run in Pamplona had nothing to do with equities and far fewer people were gored.

25. Peter Garrett. Those whom the gods would mock they first make Environment Minister in a Labor Government.

26. Bill Heffernan. Cro-Magnon Man was broader in the face.

27. Amanda Vanstone. Les Patterson is not an actual Australian ambassador.

28. Television is a medium which has the power to take people out of their everyday lives. The highest rating show in Australia this month was one which shows people cooking dinner. It is very exciting.

29. Senator Fielding. Ricky Batting, Lee Bowling and Haddin Keeping are all cricketers. Senator Fielding is also the only flat-earther in the group.

30. The Moon Landing. The second most boring event in history was the development of the lettuce.

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We had a huge response to last month’s quiz, and congratulations to all who entered. The winner was Leon Gatha, of Leongatha. For the record the answers were as follows:

1. Kevin Rudd. Elmer Fudd is a figure of fun who does a lot of talking but consistently fails to shoot a wabbit.

2. The North South Pipeline. It will carry water from the north of the state to the south. Anyone who can help transport water from the south of the state to the north in the week preceding the opening of the pipeline, should call John Brumby immediately.

3. True. Pythagoras O'Toole was elected unopposed at the Brimbank Council meeting which is due to be held next Tuesday.

4. The answer was d) Rugby League. A lost cause, a train wreck and a basket case are all metaphors for a hopeless shambles. Rugby League is a sport.

5. This was a trick question. Both statements are false. The casino is not owned by the government and the government is not owned by the casino.

6. Bank Loans to Small Businesses. The Unicorn, the Birth of the Blues and the Mask of Zorro actually exist.

7. Julie Bishop. Peter Noone was the lead singer with Herman’s Hermits.

8. Pacific Brands. There were no suspicious circumstances.

9. Anna Bligh. Joan of Arc was French, rode a horse and heard voices.

10. Clark Kent. Clark Rubber is a supplier of pool requisites, Christopher Pyne is eleven next birthday and there is no such thing as Supermalcolm.

11. False. Robert Doyle is not a buffoon. He is the Mayor of Toytown. Grumpy, Dopey, Sneezy and Tinkerbell are respected councillors and Mrs Dumpty is filling in as Treasurer until her husband is well enough to return to work.

12. True. The Pope says that condoms increase the incidence of AIDS. Supporting him in this are George Pell and Peter Jensen, neither of whom is an epidemiologist or has ever been a member of the Hitler Youth movement.

13. Somalian pirates. They board the ships, take hostages and demand money. Wall Street deals in ‘equities’ and is given money by ‘investors.’

14. True. January’s big story was why the current recession couldn’t happen, February’s was about the challenge Peter Costello wasn’t making, March’s was about photos that weren’t of Pauline Hanson. April’s was about a Scottish TV contestant and May’s was about the flu. And yet media stocks are falling.

15. True. Alan Greenspan admits that the collapse of the global economy might have been a mistake. He is terribly sorry.

16. Babcock and Brown. The Great Train Robbery involved a train.

17. False. Cazaly was famous for his high marks although his Christian name was Roy, not Upthere.

18. True. Standard and Poors is a rating agency which recently downgraded its assessment of the financial viability of Queensland. Last year they recommended you purchase a bag of borrowed goat droppings rather than invest in CBA stock. You will get better advice from a potted plant.

19. The GST. Robert Mugabe will eventually go away.

20. False. ‘Gitmo’ cannot possibly mean Guantanamo Bay. Does Bitmo mean Buantanamo Bay? Does Fitmo mean Fuantanamo Bay? Does git mean Guantana? Does mo mean mo Bay? And yet media stocks are falling.

21. False. A protection racket develops a threat and then demands money from those who wish to avoid it. Microsoft is a legitimate business.

22. False. The Liberals are unanimous (42-41) in their total support for the current leader.

23. False. Disgraced, Former and Businessman are not his Christian names.

24. False. Baz Luhrman did not direct ‘Australia – The Budget.’ This is a Rudd/Swan production and has opened to mixed reviews. The Opposition says it’s too much too early rather than their preferred position of too little too late. Kevin and Wayne love it and Julia has seen it six times.

25. ‘E = MC2’ (Albert Einstein), ‘Fame is fleeting, but obscurity is forever’ (Napoleon), ‘What I will say is that if you add one and one, you will get a number which is greater than either one or one; most people understand that, and whether or not the sum of those elements is two, doesn’t contravene the position I have outlined. It may be two. I’m not ruling that out. The important thing is to move forward with a policy embodying what is best for the country but we can’t do that if Malcolm Turnbull persists in saying that one and one are the same thing. He’s wrong about that. They aren’t. They may well be identical but they are not the same thing. There are two of them for goodness sake. This is the entire point’. (Penny Wong)

26. Kilcunda. Hubris is not a beautiful section of the southern coast and Waterloo is in Belgium.

27. John Brumby and James Packer. They were talking about fast cars and from the way Mr Brumby is laughing it looks as if Mr Packer might just have mentioned the weather.

28. Stage 3a water restrictions. After that we’ll move to Stage 3b, Stage 3c, 3d, 3e, 3f etc. Please enjoy the music.

29. H1, N1, means each side scored a goal. The result was therefore a draw.

30. Susan Boyle. Leigh Matthews can’t sing.

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We had an excellent response to last month’s quiz and we congratulate everyone who entered. The winner was Robin Vale of Robinvale. For the record the correct answers were:

1. Climate Change. (We’d also accept Global Warming), John Howard. Eleven Years. Nothing.

2. Punt Road. With a huge international effort and determination on all sides, there is some prospect of a solution in the middle east.

3. ‘To be or not to be’ (Shakespeare), ‘I have a dream’ (Martin Luther King), ‘This was their finest hour’ (Churchill), ‘The budget’s buggered’ (Wayne Swan).

4. Stage three and half water restrictions. Peter Pan and the unicorn are imaginary figures for children.

5. Brendan Nelson. He was CEO until Malcolm Turnbull made a successful cash offer for the party in late 2008.

6. Kevin Rudd. More work is required on the voice, the rhythm and the content but otherwise the Obama impression is coming along nicely.

7. There were two deliberate mistakes in the announcement: ‘Bailout’ and ‘Property Developers’.

8. False. There were only seven wonders of the ancient world and Rex Hunt was not one of them.

9. False. It is not an inventory of Scottish vegetation. He played The Joker in ‘Batman’.

10. False. It is not because he can’t get another job. It is due to a selfless obsession with representing the good folk of Higgins.

11. False. George W Bush had no second language. His first language will be known when the CIA files are opened.

12. False. Hussein is the name of the Jordanian royal family. Usain Bolt is a rapid pedestrian.

13. True. When Jelena Dokic appeared at the 2002 Australian Open she was booed. When she appeared at the 2009 Australian Open she was photographed wearing a flag and her opponent was booed. The media were present on both occasions.

14. False. Melbourne’s Public Transport system is not a raffle. A raffle doesn’t get cancelled twice a week, catch fire, bend, buckle, break, melt, or require a billion dollars worth of infrastructure.

15. True. Work stopped on the desalination plant in winter because the site was underwater (This only happens every year).

16. False. John Brumby is not an acknowledged international expert on water management.

17. Ron Walker. The Grand Prix. $45million a year.

Q18. Andrew Symonds. All the others are boofheads.

1. No it does not sell toilets. A convenience store is so called because its prices are sufficiently high to make it convenient for the owners.

2. The Liberal Party. The Brady Bunch fell apart when the ratings dropped.

3. The Howard Years. Paradise Lost is a poem by John Milton.

4. Peter Garrett. Everything Midas touched turned to gold.

5. Phillip Ruddock. The others are all garden ornaments.

6. Kevin Andrews. Dr Haneef will see you now.

7. Jeff Kennett. Ivan the Terrible was called Ivan.

8. Tony Abbott. The Victoria Cross is a bravery award.

9. George Pell. The others are Darth Vader and Anna Wintour.

10. Farnsie, Barnsie, Warnie, Tubby, Boonie, Buddy, Gillie and Punter. Ian Frazer is an immunologist, best known for his work on the development of a cervical cancer vaccine.

11. False. There is an economy. It comes down the chimney once a year if you believe really hard. Perhaps if all the children join hands.

12. Correct. Hedge-funds are monies collected in order to facilitate the purchase of herbaceous borders.

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