Mr John Clarke

We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Tim Boon Of Timboon. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. The Ashes. It is the most famous rivalry in cricket. A test series occurs every four years between the Australian side and a team made up of South Africans, Indians and a couple of English players with names like Badger, Roadworks and Turnip.

2. True. Michael McGurk was a Sydney businessman whose name was not Michael McGurk, who was not from Sydney and was not a businessman.

3. True. The inquiry looked at the impact on problem gamblers of an additional 150 gambling tables at the Casino. The Inquiry found that the extra tables could go ahead. The Inquiry looked at the matter very seriously indeed. The Inquiry begins on Monday.

4. True. The Murray Darling River system, rising sea levels, coastal erosion, the loss of species and increasing oceanic and atmospheric temperatures will be fixed by a market trading in emissions. No worries.

5. Elton John. Apparently he doesn’t meet the requirements set down by the Ukrainian authorities for turning up with a phalanx of western media and announcing he’d like to adopt the boy third from the left in the back row. No, not you; next to you. Yes, you.

6. AFL Grand Final umpires. Anyone who’d like a run next year, ring Andrew. Must be able to tell the difference between a goal and a point.

7. Ron Walker. His place on the Fairfax board will be opened up for development. Plans currently include a luxury boatel with gaming facilities and a car race through a celebrity lion park. STCA.

8. The stock market. It’s completely different. There’s no track, no birdcage, the weather is not a huge factor and the brokers are not weighed afterwards.

9. Lot 63. A handwritten document. In good condition. Signed at the bottom by Mrs Minchin. ‘Please excuse Nick from Science forever. He has a virus’.

10. False. Bart Cummings has never won the Premiership Cup. He is also yet to win the Stawell Gift, the Archibald Prize or the Australian Open. (He has withdrawn from Dancing with the Stars citing some soreness in the off foreleg).

11. Ruddabilitation. So far Robert Hill, Brendan Nelson and Peter Costello have entered the programme. All have struggled in pervious employment and with supervision and proper training it is hoped they might all make some sort of return to normal life.

12. Kevin Rudd. So little to learn. So much time.

13. Amanda Vanstone. For a full scale of our fees go to the website.

14. Paint drying. The Brownlow Count is an intensely interesting top-flight television show in which the numbers 1, 2 and 3 are repeatedly read out to a room full of adults for seven hours.

15. Alexander Downer. Bob the Builder was unavailable.

16. Australian bank charges. The pole vault is an athletics event.

17. True. The biggest spectator sport in Victoria is Rain. At the first few drops people rush to their windows and jockey for viewing positions, whooping, yelling encouragement and pointing out highlights. The score is updated live on-line and when it’s all over, kids are often allowed out on the ground to have a few kicks.

18. Tiger Woods. He is being paid an appearance fee of over $3m. The Gulf Crisis is a different matter altogether.

19. False. Julie Bishop did not appear in ‘The Stepford Wives’ and nor did Wayne Swan feature in ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,’ although Wilson Tuckey did make a brief appearance in ‘Deliverance’ and Barnaby Joyce performed a lot of the stunt-work in ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.’

20. Paul Keating. He was expressing his opinion on Peter Costello’s appointment to the board of the Future Fund, when it went off. The fire brigade say the area is now safe.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Caroline Springs, of Caroline Springs. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. Prince William. Kevin Rudd is not scheduled to visit Australia until 2011.

2. Brendan Nelson. A nation mourns.

3. The World Swimming Championships. The 2010 championships will be held on-line. Swimmers will register and be allocated a suit. They can then follow their suits through the heats and semi-finals on twitter. If a suit gets to the finals and wins, its allocatee is the World Champion and the holder of the new world record in that event.

4. The Desal Budget. On the night of October 15th it will be visible in the night sky and at 4.23am it will pass across the face of the moon, plunging the country into darkness.

5. ‘Senate Inquiry, The Musical’, Written by Godwin Grech and Eric Abetz. Starring Godwin Grech, Eric Abetz and introducing Malcolm Turnbull as Arrogancia.

6. Homosexual marriage. The government is also against music, springtime, witty asides and losing the Christian vote.

7. True. Bob Maguire’s odds of becoming Pope have lengthened slightly after a big plunge from the Archbishop. Bookies nevertheless rate Bob a good roughie in a very mixed field.

8. True. Football players have been enlisted to help get the message across that racist bashings are not on.

9. True. Many footballers have been rubbed out for on-field thuggery or are receiving counselling for drug and alcohol abuse, rape allegations and other sporting achievements.

10. True. Both projects are going well.

11. Barnaby Joyce. Barnaby Rudge is a fictional character; a simple but good hearted boy who unwittingly gets involved in ill advised political grandstanding when he falls in with bad company.

12. False. Abetz is not a verb. It is his name. Although we did accept either answer.

13. Gillard. A gibbet is an arrangement for displaying the victims of execution, a bollard is a short vertical pillar and a scabbard is a sheath for a sword.

14. The North/South pipeline will go ahead. The government is 100% committed to it and it is not negotiable. It has, however, been scaled back slightly due to cost over-runs, and will now run from North Balwyn to South Morang.

15. Hawthorn. Exactly one year ago they were filmed by security cameras at the MCG winning a premiership. Anybody who has seen persons matching the players' description should contact Police immediately.

16. Malcolm Turnbull. His lecture on the Laws of Evidence has been postponed and moved to a smaller venue.

17. False. Aloe Vera is not a greeting. It is a plant that produces an extract, frequently used as a skin lotion.

18. Australian Cricket reported a substantial loss for 2H09 and the 1H10 forecast is uncertain. A new business model is being considered. KPIs have been identified as a capacity to score runs going forward and initiatives aimed at lowering the cost of English wickets. The Spinning Division has been sold overseas and the middle order will be outsourced. CEO Richard Ponting says ‘Mistakes have been made, sure. But I’ve got every confidence in the boys’. Sell/High Risk.

19. Wilson Tuckey. Cartman is not in the Australian Parliament and would be ineligible for election in any event, since he is a cartoon character.

20. Cubbie Station. Belgium is smaller and uses less water.

21. Couple number 4 (John and Belinda). The judges agreed: Leaving aside the fact that there were three of you, a lively enough performance but really, at this stage of the competition we should have the basics down. You missed the lift altogether, the turns were a shambles and we could hear you counting. 2 points.

22. The Great Wall of China and Australia’s Arts Bureaucracy. The developments in Bahrain are not visible from outer space.

23. Joe Hockey. The picture on the right depicts one of those plastic figures they blow air into from the bottom in petrol stations and their arms wave about.

24. The VCA Luxury Units, centrally located in St Kilda Road and to be completed by 2014, will be in superbly designed precincts named Art, Dance, Drama, Music and Film. Your chance to appear cultured while living near Southbank and the city (shops, coffee, doodads) Book now to avoid disappointment, at unimelb.edu.au. Or call Glyn on 8344 6134.

25. Tim Holding. Come and see me afterwards. If you think it’s clever to just clear off on your own and not stick with the group, then perhaps you’re not leadership material. Matron and I were worried sick. Don’t you ever do that again.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Frank Stonnorth of Frankston North. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. Malcolm Turnbull. Everyone else in Australia should resign. Their behaviour is a disgrace. They should be ashamed of themselves. Their performance has been abysmal. They have let themselves down. They have let the country down. Worse still they have let themselves down.

2. John Elliott. The picture on the right features the opening of the Channel Tunnel.

3. False. Marjorie Jackson was never a member of The Jackson Five. She was an Olympic champion sprinter who later became Governor of South Australia.

4. False. ‘Open Slather’ is not the Victorian government’s plan for development. We would have accepted ‘Sustainable Slather,’ ‘Eco-slather’ or ‘First Homebuyer Slather.’

5. True. In order to receive planning permission in Victoria it is necessary to put in an application. Ideally beforehand.

6. False. The umpires are not members of the English cricket side and they are certainly not paid for sex. They are nice old chaps and their job is to hold people’s pullovers and have a wild guess about what just happened.

7. False. Swine Flu is not one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It is a flu virus. The Four Horsemen are Pestilence, War, Famine and Death. If one of them is unavailable, off the reserves bench will come the fifth Horseman, Media.

8. False. The Titanic was a ship. It was insured and the owners received money following the tragedy. Timbercorp was an Australian listed company and the executives received money before the tragedy.

9. True. The Miles Franklin Award is a prize for a work of fiction. It has never been won by a federal budget, a political memoir or a giraffe.

10. True. The average person has 12,684 passwords. One for the bank, one on each card, membership or affiliation, one with two letters and eight numbers, one with six numbers and two lower case punctuation marks, one for each computer, type of software, server, account, company, lock, mobile, department, utility, supplier, door, appliance or tin of baked beans. They are all in an email somewhere, which seems to have been wiped.

11. True. Roger Federer has won more Grand Slam tennis titles than anyone else in history. The correct order is Federer with 15, Pete Sampras 14, Margaret Court 62, Martina Navratilova 59, Billie Jean King 37, Roy Emerson 28 and Steffi Graf 23.

12. Incorrect. The world’s biggest problem is not the Geelong Football Club. The term ‘GFC’ refers to the global financial crisis, which is not the world’s biggest problem either.

13. False. ‘Sit,’ ‘Beg,’ ‘Stay,’ and ‘Roll over’ are canine commands. The contractual arrangement between the government and the casino is completely different and miles more complicated.

14. Barry Hall. He was cautioned in the third round for playing football.

15. White male, 50ish, Higgins area, some public speaking experience, seeks work, anything considered, has own transport.

16. False. Godwin Grech is not a Dickens character. He is a real person in a real job. He also has a part-time position in the Australian Treasury.

17. The Stawell Gift. The Ballarat Town Hall, the Ballarat Post Office and the Mayor of Ballarat are all in Ballarat.

18. False. Ute-gate is not an agrarian portal through which a certain class of vehicle must pass. It was a scandal in which the resignations of the Prime Minister and Treasurer were demanded on the basis of a forged email indicating that a car dealer who received no government money was unreasonably advantaged. Would Mr Gilbert please call Mr Sullivan.

19. Tony Abbott and Joe Hockey. The Broadcasting Act provides that they must be on television (rostered on alternate days) unless there is some actual news.

20. False. A waffle iron is a cooking appliance used to give a shape to a batter or dough-based cake. If Kevin Rudd turns up to give an address and finds his notes are all crumpled, he flattens them with his hands and just does the best he can.

21. Correct. The Victorian Government ultimatum to Grand Prix organisers read ‘Be warned. If the most expensive cars don’t come to Melbourne, we refuse to lose $50 million’.

22. False. A cartel emerges when oligopolists agree to control supply and arrange prices. Australia’s four major banks are in fierce competition. Just not with each other.

23. True. The Desal Plant will be run by a private company. There was some smart money this week for Ferrari but don’t rule out Pokies Akimbo or a company registered in the Brimbank area.

24. False. It is still very much a ‘bear’ market. The bull run in Pamplona had nothing to do with equities and far fewer people were gored.

25. Peter Garrett. Those whom the gods would mock they first make Environment Minister in a Labor Government.

26. Bill Heffernan. Cro-Magnon Man was broader in the face.

27. Amanda Vanstone. Les Patterson is not an actual Australian ambassador.

28. Television is a medium which has the power to take people out of their everyday lives. The highest rating show in Australia this month was one which shows people cooking dinner. It is very exciting.

29. Senator Fielding. Ricky Batting, Lee Bowling and Haddin Keeping are all cricketers. Senator Fielding is also the only flat-earther in the group.

30. The Moon Landing. The second most boring event in history was the development of the lettuce.

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We had a huge response to last month’s quiz, and congratulations to all who entered. The winner was Leon Gatha, of Leongatha. For the record the answers were as follows:

1. Kevin Rudd. Elmer Fudd is a figure of fun who does a lot of talking but consistently fails to shoot a wabbit.

2. The North South Pipeline. It will carry water from the north of the state to the south. Anyone who can help transport water from the south of the state to the north in the week preceding the opening of the pipeline, should call John Brumby immediately.

3. True. Pythagoras O'Toole was elected unopposed at the Brimbank Council meeting which is due to be held next Tuesday.

4. The answer was d) Rugby League. A lost cause, a train wreck and a basket case are all metaphors for a hopeless shambles. Rugby League is a sport.

5. This was a trick question. Both statements are false. The casino is not owned by the government and the government is not owned by the casino.

6. Bank Loans to Small Businesses. The Unicorn, the Birth of the Blues and the Mask of Zorro actually exist.

7. Julie Bishop. Peter Noone was the lead singer with Herman’s Hermits.

8. Pacific Brands. There were no suspicious circumstances.

9. Anna Bligh. Joan of Arc was French, rode a horse and heard voices.

10. Clark Kent. Clark Rubber is a supplier of pool requisites, Christopher Pyne is eleven next birthday and there is no such thing as Supermalcolm.

11. False. Robert Doyle is not a buffoon. He is the Mayor of Toytown. Grumpy, Dopey, Sneezy and Tinkerbell are respected councillors and Mrs Dumpty is filling in as Treasurer until her husband is well enough to return to work.

12. True. The Pope says that condoms increase the incidence of AIDS. Supporting him in this are George Pell and Peter Jensen, neither of whom is an epidemiologist or has ever been a member of the Hitler Youth movement.

13. Somalian pirates. They board the ships, take hostages and demand money. Wall Street deals in ‘equities’ and is given money by ‘investors.’

14. True. January’s big story was why the current recession couldn’t happen, February’s was about the challenge Peter Costello wasn’t making, March’s was about photos that weren’t of Pauline Hanson. April’s was about a Scottish TV contestant and May’s was about the flu. And yet media stocks are falling.

15. True. Alan Greenspan admits that the collapse of the global economy might have been a mistake. He is terribly sorry.

16. Babcock and Brown. The Great Train Robbery involved a train.

17. False. Cazaly was famous for his high marks although his Christian name was Roy, not Upthere.

18. True. Standard and Poors is a rating agency which recently downgraded its assessment of the financial viability of Queensland. Last year they recommended you purchase a bag of borrowed goat droppings rather than invest in CBA stock. You will get better advice from a potted plant.

19. The GST. Robert Mugabe will eventually go away.

20. False. ‘Gitmo’ cannot possibly mean Guantanamo Bay. Does Bitmo mean Buantanamo Bay? Does Fitmo mean Fuantanamo Bay? Does git mean Guantana? Does mo mean mo Bay? And yet media stocks are falling.

21. False. A protection racket develops a threat and then demands money from those who wish to avoid it. Microsoft is a legitimate business.

22. False. The Liberals are unanimous (42-41) in their total support for the current leader.

23. False. Disgraced, Former and Businessman are not his Christian names.

24. False. Baz Luhrman did not direct ‘Australia – The Budget.’ This is a Rudd/Swan production and has opened to mixed reviews. The Opposition says it’s too much too early rather than their preferred position of too little too late. Kevin and Wayne love it and Julia has seen it six times.

25. ‘E = MC2’ (Albert Einstein), ‘Fame is fleeting, but obscurity is forever’ (Napoleon), ‘What I will say is that if you add one and one, you will get a number which is greater than either one or one; most people understand that, and whether or not the sum of those elements is two, doesn’t contravene the position I have outlined. It may be two. I’m not ruling that out. The important thing is to move forward with a policy embodying what is best for the country but we can’t do that if Malcolm Turnbull persists in saying that one and one are the same thing. He’s wrong about that. They aren’t. They may well be identical but they are not the same thing. There are two of them for goodness sake. This is the entire point’. (Penny Wong)

26. Kilcunda. Hubris is not a beautiful section of the southern coast and Waterloo is in Belgium.

27. John Brumby and James Packer. They were talking about fast cars and from the way Mr Brumby is laughing it looks as if Mr Packer might just have mentioned the weather.

28. Stage 3a water restrictions. After that we’ll move to Stage 3b, Stage 3c, 3d, 3e, 3f etc. Please enjoy the music.

29. H1, N1, means each side scored a goal. The result was therefore a draw.

30. Susan Boyle. Leigh Matthews can’t sing.

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