Mr John Clarke

Posts under Letters From The School:

Dear Mr and Mrs Kiddner,

As you may be aware, some gym equipment has gone missing in recent weeks from the store-room at the rear of the pavilion. One of your sons was seen attempting to break into the store-room and I’m afraid that when questioned about what he was doing (he was supposed to be at orchestra practice) he said he was looking for ants. Why he would come up with such a pathetic explanation for his behaviour is not obvious to us. I’ve spoken to other staff members and no-one reported any project involving a need for ants. When asked why he thought there might be ants under the store-room, your boy said ‘I could smell them’.

You may care to discuss this with us. The pilfering of school equipment is a very serious matter indeed and the ants story, which your young bloke seems to be sticking to, is little short of ludicrous.

Jim Teacher,
Head of Phys Ed.
St Expensives.

Dear Mr and Mrs Keete,

I have had occasion recently to talk to Laurie about irresponsible behaviour in the playground. He may have mentioned this. It was in relation to hanging upside down on the bars, a dangerous practice and one which is strictly forbidden. Laurie made the point, in our refreshingly honest discussion, that he is a talented all-round sportsman and can perform tricks which, were others to attempt them, would lead to serious trouble. This is precisely the point. If others tried to imitate Laurie, I shudder to think what might happen. Laurie must be conscious of his important role as a leader in encouraging others to operate within their limits.

On another matter, it has since been drawn to my attention by another of the senior teachers that Laurie has been dying his hair blue. I wonder if there is some reason for this. He has not received permission from anyone here. There were some hi-jinks at the school swimming sports on Friday and we do turn a blind eye to some larrikin tendencies in regard to the displaying of House colours, especially in relation to support for the relay teams. It is now Tuesday however, and Laurie’s hair is still a very vivid blue. In fact, his appearance is rather peculiar. At his age of course, they think this sort of thing is clever but unless he actually wants to look like a rainbow, I suggest he present himself more in line with regulations 4-12 in the school handbook.

Thank you.

Louden Clearmessage
Deputy Head
St Expensives

Memo to All Students from the Head.

I don’t know how many times I have to say this. The playground equipment is there for exercise and for fun. But as I have repeatedly said, care must be taken or serious injuries will result. This sort of thing, for example, is simply not on. Hanging off the bars with nothing between you and the ground is an accident waiting to happen. I’ve spoken to Laurie Keete about his irresponsible actions in this instance and he has accepted that if something had gone wrong, he might have broken his neck. Matron is particularly concerned that she might not have the resources if someone sustains a major injury. She has only one part-time assistant two days a week. For goodness sake. Grow up. Enjoy yourselves by all means but try to stop short of idiocy.

The Secretary,
The Wodda Packer-Galahs Institute,
Wodda 3082.

Dear Madam,
As you know, we have quite a number of your charges in the school. The association with your boarding establishment is one we value greatly and, as you know, some of our best students have come to us from a Packer-Galahs background.

Unfortunately, I write to outline some worrying developments in the school, which we think may perhaps originate in the home.

We have seen evidence for some time of collusion during tests conducted in the school, particularly in the maths and sciences area. Answers are often identical and even errors are sometimes replicated faithfully over entire classes. It is very difficult for us to assess the individual students properly in this atmosphere and our claim to inculcate a strong sense of responsibility and self-sufficiency is consequently in some jeopardy.

I wonder if I could prevail on you to have a word with the students at your earliest convenience, and impress upon them the need to think for themselves, to finish their own work and to compete against one another. This is the basis of our education system and, indeed, of our entire society.

Security cameras recently picked up the image below, of one of our better female students talking to a male student during an algebra test. The boy, pictured right, who has hitherto proven rather a slow learner with an attitude problem, nevertheless appears to have topped the state in trigonometry, an honour he shares with the girl (left). This result, while gratifying, is of some concern given that collaboration is clearly at epidemic levels.

Sue Pervisor
Curriculum Planning,
St Expensives

Dear Mr and Mrs Beeigh,

I write in connection with your son Wally, who was absent from an important Geography exam on Tuesday.

The school received a telephone message from Wally, saying he was unwell and would be unable to attend. We were naturally disappointed since Wally has shown some promise in the subject and would benefit from the experience of testing himself in examination conditions.

I have listened to Wally’s telephone message several times and what I initially assumed to be static on the line, sounds very like surf. I was confirmed in this rather uncharitable view when a camera confiscated from Wally’s cousin Anne Otherwally-Beeigh contained several photographs of Wally, in excellent health on the day in question, enjoying himself with friends, at a well-known coastal resort.

You may wish to call and discuss this. It is a great concern for us here of course, since it sets a bad example to others. I’ve spoken to Wally about the incident and have encouraged him to improve his attitude as a matter of urgency.

I hope to see you at Eucharist.


A. Bigshot
Examination Co-ordinator
St Expensives

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