Mr John Clarke

We had a fantastic response to last month’s quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Mari Brynong, of Maribrynong. Great work and well done. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. The term Ruddbull signifies the non-existent political party which would be swept into office if an election were held in a TV studio in Sydney at a time when there was nothing else on Twitter.

2. True. The Great Ocean Road is a wild coastal environment connected by suburban development, supermarkets and home hardware outlets. All it needs now is more eco-tourism. Ted is confident he has this in hand.

3. True. The Australian currency will remain the Dollar. The Robertdoyle will be legal tender only in Swanston St, only on Sundays, only in the morning and only for the hire of bicycle helmets.

4. True. Aside from war, flooding and tempests, the story which has dominated the world’s media cycle is the astonishing news about Kurt Tippett moving to another club.

5. False. An argument doesn’t make more sense simply because you’re wearing an enormous yellow hat and carrying a pole. Someone may have to have a word with George Pell.

6. True. The picture shows Imran Tahir, the famous South African batsman.

7. False. An occlusion is a blockage. The Domain Road/Punt Road corner is an attractive location in a much sought after area.

8. False. The woman photographed on the bow of the Titanic is Kate Winslet. Julie Bishop is a highly successful politician.

9. False. Lawn sprinklers are not yet compulsory everywhere in Victoria. Exemptions can be obtained by writing to the Dept. of Ostriches, Heads and Sand.

10. False. The mistakes of Docklands will not be repeated at Fisherman’s Bend. Fresh mistakes are being prepared at withering expense.

11. False. East Werribee is not mentioned in Dante’s ‘Inferno’ although there’s a new translation coming out in 2014.

12. False. Adam Smith was a Scottish economist and Adam Ant was a pop singer. The answer was Adam Scott, by 4 strokes.

13. True. A number of people voted for Mitt Romney in the recent US election. Nobody knows how this happened.

14. False. Damian Oliver did not have a few grand on a suspension from racing for 10 months. That would have been inappropriate. It was done through a third party.

15. False. At no stage did the Premier approach the ticket office at Flinders St Station and say ‘South Yarra Tennis Club please’.

16. False. Hussey and Clarke are not an insurance company. They’re just very reliable.

17. True. Julia Gillard said her exit interview at Slater and Gordon had been redacted. This means it had had its pants pulled down very swiftly a second time.

18. False. Matthew Guy is not the Minister for Stamping Things. He’s the Planning Minister. A lot of things have already been stamped by the time they get to him.


19. False. Clive Palmer has not put the Queensland Premier on ebay although it is believed he will raffle him on Tuesday.

20. True. Victoria leads the world in preventing people from accumulating large gambling losses. Called MYKI, the system has recently come through successful trials at the Spring Racing Carnival, where it saved punters a fortune by ensuring they didn’t get to the track.

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We had a fantastic response to last month’s quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Mort Lake, of Mortlake. A great effort there Mort and a well earned win. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. Aside from Gay Marriage, the biggest threats to Australian society are a) the standard of entertainment available at Young Liberals functions and b) Hawthorn’s inaccuracy in front of goal.

2. False. The Prime Minister was not in Washington trying to get something done about the standard of umpiring. She was trying to get Australia on to the UN Security Council.

3. True. Victoria does have a planning policy. If it works there are plans to get some other policies

4. The AFL. Technically the Roman Empire lasted longer but it failed to generate proper sponsorship and ongoing stakeholder arrangements.

5. True. The picture shows the wall Tony Abbott cannot recall having hit, next to the head of a successful political opponent. Photoshop is available at selected retail outlets.

6. False. The picture shows The Crown Jewels (the Royal crowns, the sceptre and orb and ceremonial swords). The Brownlow medal is a small medallion with a blue ribbon and is not in the photograph for some reason.

7. True. If the Grand Final been a draw, Adam Goodes would have played in the decider the following week. He’d have had a legectomy and would have taken his place in the side.

8. True. Ted Baillieu will remain Premier of the state in a caretaker role until either John Longmire or Craig Bellamy becomes available.

9. True. MYKI is 100m over budget but at least it will be ready by 2007. Unfortunately it will not enable passengers to travel by train to see the disused desalination plant which went $17b over budget, since the Kilcunda train line has been closed. Please enjoy the music.

10. True. NDIS is The National Disability Insurance Scheme. The Victorian government was initially opposed to contributing to the scheme. As a result of further research, however, they decided it would be a good idea to contribute. The research consisted of answering a number of phone calls from Victorians.

11. False. Alastair Clarkson did not deny hitting a wall. ‘No excuses’ he said, ‘although I have had a look a replay and it was the wall’s fault. It had plenty of time to get out of the way and it stupidly didn’t’.

12. False. ‘Celebrity Nude Food Travel Renovation’ is not a TV Show. At least it wasn’t when this question was written.

13. True. David Cameron said the Olympic Games would bring 13 billion pounds into the British economy. He now deeply regrets his statements in this regard and apologises to any of Britain’s creditors who were hurt in the incident.

14. True. The word is ‘vulnerable.’ It is illegal for TV news reporters under the age of 50 to pronounce it properly and the work ‘vunerable’ is now in quite common use. Vunerable means, quite simply, able to be vunned.

15. False. There is no tennis player named Hugh Briss. The young man in the photograph is Bernard Tomic.

16. True. John Elliott thinks he’s helping.

17. False. Billy Slater is not a listed stock on the ASX despite outperforming again in the Sept quarter. Strong buy.

18. False. Cory Bernardi is not gay. He’s not even very happy.

19. Correct. The traffic chaos last week was caused by a problem with TransFat’s EpicFail computer system. A spokesman for eCockup apologised for the inconvenience and said he couldn’t guarantee it won’t happen again. The Premier frowned officially and looked concerned.

20. False. Gosch’s Park was not named by Bruce McAvaney. If it had been, it would be called Gosch Gee That’s Special Park.

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We had a fantastic response to our Olympics Quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Grant Ville, of Grantville. Excellent work Grant. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. True. During the Olympic Opening ceremony’s re-enactment of the Industrial Revolution, the slave trade, which funded Britain’s rise as a world power, was being re-enacted under the ground.

2. True. Channel 9’s Olympic coverage was very confident beforehand but failed a dope test and never looked like qualifying.

3. False. The expression ‘Back with moron Olympic news after the break’ was not used at any stage. You might have misheard ‘Back with more on Olympic news after the break.’

4. True. The CBA advertising campaign was based on the idea that the letter T is the difference between CAN and CAN’T. Sadly, however, it is the difference between CAN and CANT.

5. False. A listing of Australia’s gold medallists is better done after the Olympics than before they start.

6. True. A ray warren is a shallow tunnel down which all light disappears.

7. False. The picture shows Ye Shiwen. ‘The Chinese lass in lane 4’ is not an acceptable answer.

8. True. For the first few days of the Olympics the big story was the failure of the host nation to win a gold medal. The big story by the end of the second week was that they’d won 29. Both stories worked well.

9. False. There is no song called ‘Eton Dorney’. Perhaps you’re thinking of ‘Nessun Dorma’, the famous Puccini aria about a rowing venue.

10. Correct. To do something rayhadley is to do it without sufficient knowledge.

11. False. Usain Bolt was not running a victory lap. He simply needs room to slow down.

12. False. The official Australian team clothing is their Uniform. Clobber refers to casual wear and Dressage is an equestrian discipline.

13. True, although the name of the sport is not Arses Ahoy. It is called Beach Volleyball.

14. True. Jessica Ennis will be made a dame. Other recipients of honours will include Sir Mo Farah, Sir Boris Johnson and Sir Brownlee Brothers.

15. True. With one gold medal, three silver and a bronze, Alicia Coutts finished well ahead of India, Greece, Serbia, Belgium or Finland.

16. True. Argentina whose population is double that of Australia and who have won the FIFA World Cup twice and have two tennis players in the top ten, won one gold medal.

17. False. The Olympics Coverage and ‘Badness’ are two separate programmes.

18. No. New Zealanders are not interested in sport. Talk to them about the weather. Do not mention sport to them at all. Ever. Especially not rowing.

19. True. The Closing Ceremony must be due to finish soon.

20. True. It is proposed that Australia should better target the Olympic sports it does best in. Australia will henceforth therefore concentrate on sailing and women’s events.

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We had a fantastic response to our last quiz and we thank everyone who entered. The winner was Ray Wood, of Raywood. Congratulations Ray. Fine work. For the record, the answers were as follows:

1. False. Stephen Milne is not the leader of the Greens. He is a footballer. The Greens leader is Christine Milne; also very handy given room in the goal square.

2. True. The man who has accused Peter Slipper of committing an offence may not be able to give evidence without revealing that he has a committed an offence. Mr Justice Escher will be releasing his finding yestermorrow.

3. True. Roger Federer has now won seventeen grand slam singles titles, well over half Margaret Court’s twenty-four. Roger doesn’t play doubles so perhaps won’t challenge Margaret’s other thirty-eight grand slam tennis titles.

4. False. Cadel Evans was not sabotaged by carbon tacks. They were not made of carbon; they were just little nails thrown on the road by idiots.

5. False. There is no such thing as The Carlton Tax. They’re just not travelling too well at the minute.

6. True. Of course Victoria has a Planning Minister. And if we don’t have one in stock, we can order one in for you.

7. False. Disgraced Former Players' Agent are not his Christian names.

8. True. Malcolm Turnbull has been building a substantial a stake in the Liberal Party and is believed to be looking for three seats on the board.

9. True. Grant Hackett has still won two Olympic 1500 metre freestyle titles and finished second in a third. This is expected to remain a fact.

10. True. If the government and the opposition both develop asylum seeker policies which don’t make sense, that is the fault of the Greens.

11. False. There is no actually panic button at ALP headquarters. That is simply a figure of speech.

12. True. The Australian government has recently announced a network of marine reserves covering three million square miles of ocean around Australia. This might have been in the newspaper had it not been for the fact that Lara Bingle took the dog for a walk.

13. True. This question about Fairfax was omitted for reasons of space.

14. False. George Brandis is not a character in a Gilbert and Sullivan opera. He is the shadow Attorney General. And we are his sisters and his cousins and his aunts; his sisters and his cousins and his aunts.

15. True. Property values are collapsing and then surging again at such speed that it’s almost as if they don’t move very much at all.

16. True. A statement has been released by the UN Secretary General, that all member nations agree that fighting in Syria should immediately desist and that Andy Murray’s mother should sit down.

17. False. ‘The Idea of a University’ was not written by Campbell Newman but by Cardinal Newman. Campbell Newman wrote ‘The Idea of Closing Down the Premier’s Literary Award’ and ‘The Idea of Opposing Grants for Indigenous Students’.

18. False. Peter Ryan did not appear in Batman 3. He is the Deputy Premier of Victoria.

19. True. Out for this weekend’s matches are: Gillard — hamstring, Slipper – corked thigh, Ashby — niggle in the glutes, Abbott — concussion, Thompson – fitness. Brough and Pyne have been suspended; both tested positive to all known substances.

20. True. The game depicted in the photograph is cricket. Records indicate that at one time this was a game played in Australia.

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